Ever get "Christmas letdown"??
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
Canada
December 30, 2012 1:27pm CST
I love the holidays. However, having said that, I often find myself feeling very down, during and after them. I'm going to try to explain in a way that, hopefully, doesn't make me sound selfish. I am solely responsible for Christmas in my house. Whether or not I've been in a relationship at the time, all the planning, shopping, wrapping, food, etc., has been up to me. It's a lot of work, as we all know, but I like doing it. Mostly, I like being able to make the people I love happy and Christmas is a great time for that. Every year, we hear people ask: "So, what do you want for Christmas?" I don't make lists. I don't ask for things. I think I've been this way my whole life. If I don't ask for anything, I will never be disappointed.
This year, though, there was one thing I really wanted. I noticed a set of cookware on sale and it was perfect for me. Not extravagant but a good quality stainless set at an amazing sale price. So, I told my family there was actually something I'd like this time. I've had the same pots and pans since I first moved out of my parents house 25 years ago so it's definitely time for an upgrade 
Christmas morning, I received a big box -- and dared to hope it was my cookware. I unwrapped the box and, yes indeed, it was cookware -- but not the set I had wanted. It was very different. Made by the same company but it is a forged set, not stainless, and it contains items I will likely never use. I was grateful for the gift but part of me felt so let down. I haven't used the set yet but I will. It will last me many years, I'm sure. Some might suggest I take it back but I can't -- final sale, no refunds, no exchanges.
I spent years in a marriage where I received no gifts at Christmas. My mother would get really angry because I would sit and watch my husband and children open presents for hours but there were none for me. I never once admitted to feeling sad but I did. Now, this year, I got something nice and I felt disappointed. Does that make me a horrible person?
Christmas morning, I received a big box -- and dared to hope it was my cookware. I unwrapped the box and, yes indeed, it was cookware -- but not the set I had wanted. It was very different. Made by the same company but it is a forged set, not stainless, and it contains items I will likely never use. I was grateful for the gift but part of me felt so let down. I haven't used the set yet but I will. It will last me many years, I'm sure. Some might suggest I take it back but I can't -- final sale, no refunds, no exchanges.
I spent years in a marriage where I received no gifts at Christmas. My mother would get really angry because I would sit and watch my husband and children open presents for hours but there were none for me. I never once admitted to feeling sad but I did. Now, this year, I got something nice and I felt disappointed. Does that make me a horrible person?3 people like this
13 responses
@ZoeJoy (1392)
• United States
30 Dec 12
Christmas presents is for giving and receiving. It is important to give, but also important to receive.
Your husband was suppose to give you Christmas presents all those years. And, so were your children. My parents taught us that we were to give back, including buying them presents. So I passed this family tradition on to my children, as my parents have now passed away. This Christmas, my grown children did give us gifts and my husband and I gave them gifts. It is what Christmas gifts is about - giving and receiving.
Yes, you have feelings - just like every other human being. You are not above it all. So, yes, years ago, you should have expressed how you felt - in a nice manner but never the less, we have a right to express our feelings and our wishes - even for ourselves. Women have equality - even in a marriage!!!!!
2 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Dec 12
Thank you ZoeJoy 
It's true I have feelings, like everyone else... but I've always been really good about setting them aside... especially where my daughters are involved. They have been my priority every holiday season, not myself, you know? This year, even though they are older but don't have money to spend (both are full-time students), they did make me a collage of some of their baby pictures in a frame which was very touching to me and I will certainly treasure that :) You are right that I have basically "set the stage" by not speaking up for myself, right from the beginning, and it's something I'll have to work hard to change.
It's true I have feelings, like everyone else... but I've always been really good about setting them aside... especially where my daughters are involved. They have been my priority every holiday season, not myself, you know? This year, even though they are older but don't have money to spend (both are full-time students), they did make me a collage of some of their baby pictures in a frame which was very touching to me and I will certainly treasure that :) You are right that I have basically "set the stage" by not speaking up for myself, right from the beginning, and it's something I'll have to work hard to change.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
30 Dec 12
No you are not a horrible person or selfish. But I do think your husband and children are! I am sorry to say so but it's very hard for me to believe that they never gave you anything. Your kids never asked how come you don't get anything. How come they know you that less they can't think out something to make you feel happy, to reward you for being so great and arranging everything.
My youngest kids (now 9 and just 7 years old) already said it 1 or 2 years ago how come I did not get anything, so we changed that because of them.
We all know exactly what the others like so with or without list (no matter if it's for a birthday or other celebration) we give something we are sure of it's liked.
I think/know that by never asking for a present you made them that way as well. They don't care if you get something, they are used to the fact you never make a list.
You changed it this year by telling them about the cooking set, but you forgot they don't "care" so they just remembered the brand (and probably did do their best). So next time you tell/describe them exactly what you want. Give them a picture, the price, the barcode, name of the shop, spot where to find it etc.
If this other cookingset is still there and you can afford it, go buy it yourself. I think you can find someone else (sooner or later) who you can make happy with the cookingset which is not the one you wanted.
Next year (or the first celebration/holiday) do it different. Everybody has to do his/her share/part in decorating, cooking, wrapping etc. Celebrate you do together, same with the prepartions. This is already a good way to enjoy (doing things together).
2 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Dec 12
It does seem hard to believe, I know... but it's completely true. When we became parents, he decided that Christmas was only "for the kids" and stopped buying gifts completely (even though we could afford to buy for each other and I still always bought him something). The girls were younger then and they were so excited about their own gifts that they didn't pay a lot of attention to me not having any. Plus I would try to stay busy cleaning up the wrapping paper and giving out presents from under the tree so it would be less obvious to them that I wasn't receiving anything.
I hadn't actually thought of just buying the set I really wanted -- if they still have any more -- and giving the other set to someone else. You're right that it's still a very nice gift and it might make someone super happy to have it. Thank you for the suggestion and I'll have to really think about that! 
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Dec 12
No I think we all feel that way sometimes. We had a rough year this year also. Money has been tight and I was worried I wouldn't be able to get gifts for the kids, so my husband and I decided not to get anything for each other. We've never done that before. Normally we can do something. It might not always be great, but we can do something. This year nothing. I did get some gifts from the people I work with, some of them I saved to open Christmas morning. None of it was anything great for me. The gifts were all very nice, but nothing that was specifically for me, mostly they were things the boss bought one for each of us.. so I got some grilling things (we don't even have a grill right now), and some candles and stuff like that. It was disappointing, but I tried not to show it.
My birthday is usually a let down too. It falls the same week as our wedding anniversary, Mother's Day, and my oldest son's birthday. Naturally we put most of our money towards my son, so there's little left over for me. Many years I got nothing for any of my 3 holidays. Some years I might get one gift to cover all 3. It's not because my husband is selfish or uncaring.. just because we're broke. My birthday has become more and more depressing.. but when it comes to my birthday I don't mind showing my disappointment. It's my birthday I can cry if I want to.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
1 Jan 13
I totally relate, katsmeow. With my girls' father, as soon as we became parents, he decided that we weren't a couple anymore. I mean, I'm the first one to respect family and to give up anything and everything so my kids can have what they need and want... but, in the those years, we were able to afford to buy each other stuff and I always bought him gifts. He just hated shopping and wrapping and all that and I always heard the same old refrain, "Well I never know what to get you because you don't ask for anything!" I guess that's why it hurt that finally, years later, I asked for something and it tanked, you know?
I'm sorry that your birthday works out the same as Christmas :( Especially since it's lumped together with your wedding anniversary and Mother's Day. I really think it matters that people get to feel "special" on occasions like those. We have so many difficult days in each year and to have a couple where you feel valued and celebrated is really beneficial. Is your husband able to do something at those times that doesn't cost so much money, perhaps? Like fully taking over the family for a day and giving you time to do anything you want? Can he cook at all (not all of 'em can LOL) to make you a nice meal? I find I really enjoy things like that as much as anything I can unwrap - and even the least expensive pasta or something tastes fabulous when someone else makes it and offers it to me 
I'm also a big fan of hand-written notes or cards - something that just expresses real feelings and not "Hallmark's" feelings 
I've gotten some of those on torn-out-of-a-notebook paper and I valued them more than any fancy printed card. For me, it's never about the cost... just the expression and extending themselves to do something nice.
I'm also a big fan of hand-written notes or cards - something that just expresses real feelings and not "Hallmark's" feelings I've gotten some of those on torn-out-of-a-notebook paper and I valued them more than any fancy printed card. For me, it's never about the cost... just the expression and extending themselves to do something nice.@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
5 Jan 13
Oh wow... kindred spirits... I had a candy bar birthday too! Without a card! 
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
2 Jan 13
Yeah, he's not really inventive like that. The one year he tried to do something cheaply, I got a card with a candy bar. That was more insulting than getting nothing at all.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (166745)
• Boise, Idaho
2 Jan 13
Christmas is the season of giving, not receiving. And no, I never had Christmas letdown. All the love that goes into making a nice Christmas should be well worth it. I would feel sad too if everyone got presents and I didn't. SOmething wrong in that. What has happened to you and how you felt doesn't make you a horrible person. I might just try to use the things you felt you may never use and be happy that someone tried so hard to get what they felt you wanted. Atleast they tried.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
5 Jan 13
I do completely agree celticeagle and I knew that, in starting this discussion, I ran the risk of making it appear that I only care about "getting stuff"... which I really don't. My greatest joy at the holidays is making my daughters happy. I mean, they are wonderful young women and I'm blessed that they're mine. I make Christmas as special as I can for them... spoiling them because it's the one time of year I can... and that is an amazingly happy feeling
But yes, I really did feel sad and I believe it's a culmination of year after year, occasion after occasion of feeling "forgotten." I can't tell you how many times I've been given a candle or a bottle of lotion with the person telling me "Well I never know what you want so I just got you that." I would relish the feeling of "Oh my gosh, you really did that for ME?" if you know what I mean? I listen when people say they love a particular item... and I try to remember to go and get that, if it's possible... because, to me, it's an expression of paying attention to the people you love... hearing their wants and loves and hopes... and doing what you can to make at least some come true :)) I think that is what I'm waiting for... much more than any item itself. I'm starting to realize it more and more as I work through this discussion. Thank you for your thoughts towards helping me understand what I'm feeling
But yes, I really did feel sad and I believe it's a culmination of year after year, occasion after occasion of feeling "forgotten." I can't tell you how many times I've been given a candle or a bottle of lotion with the person telling me "Well I never know what you want so I just got you that." I would relish the feeling of "Oh my gosh, you really did that for ME?" if you know what I mean? I listen when people say they love a particular item... and I try to remember to go and get that, if it's possible... because, to me, it's an expression of paying attention to the people you love... hearing their wants and loves and hopes... and doing what you can to make at least some come true :)) I think that is what I'm waiting for... much more than any item itself. I'm starting to realize it more and more as I work through this discussion. Thank you for your thoughts towards helping me understand what I'm feeling 1 person likes this
@celticeagle (166745)
• Boise, Idaho
5 Jan 13
It doesn't sound much like they care to push the envelope or try to find something you might like. That is really sad. Take the easy route and just get you a candle or a bottle of lotion. I think I would give them a list next year. Maybe even add a note of what you just said. I would be tired of it too.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20216)
• United States
1 Jan 13
I gave up years ago, and what I do is buy my own present. No one ever asked my what I wanted and Hubby never had a clue. Most presents were a waste of time and within about five years I was able to regift them to the charity. But if I had my way I would not give or get any presents on Holidays, instead I would give my time and money to others during that time. Those that needed more than those that wanted. Blessings
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
1 Jan 13
You're very right, savypat, that it's a waste of time and money to buy a gift just for the sake of buying one... or just because it's a holiday. Regifting is a good way to make sure someone gets the items and can actually use them. I hope when you DO buy your own present that you get something you truly love :)) I tend to be overly practical (and always frugal) when shopping for myself and find it hard to splash out on anything.
@Canellita (12029)
• United States
30 Dec 12
It does not make you a horrible person, but because you never stood up for yourself in the past, you are still experiences those other Christmases even though you did receive a gift this time.
If I were you, I'd try and sell the non-returnable cookware and get the set I wanted. No matter how much you appreciate someone giving you a gift, if it is something you can't get the full use out of you shouldn't feel bad about not being happy to receive it.
Anything you can't actually use is just clutter in your life.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Dec 12
Canellita, that's a great, straight-forward, no-nonsense suggestion. I hadn't thought about selling the cookware I received... and I really could do that because it's still in the original box, unopened, right now. I was focused on the fact that I couldn't return it. I will have to look back at the same store to see if the smaller set I wanted is still available. Thank you very much for the idea!
@Canellita (12029)
• United States
2 Jan 13
Great! I hope it works out for you and that you are able to get the set you actually wanted. I'm sure someone will be happy to take the unwanted set off your hands, though.
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
31 Dec 12
Of course it doesn't make you a horrible person. It's a disappointment, that's natural to feel. I'd be disappointed too, I think.
It's too bad you never got gifts from your husband and children. It would have been thoughtful for your husband to reciprocate. It's hard to say anything though, because if you have to make someone do it, it doesn't feel as nice. Still, I wish you better luck with future Christmases.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
1 Jan 13
I agree with you, cutepenguin... if you have to force the issue, it doesn't really feel like a gift anymore. At that point, it makes more sense to just buy something yourself and tell the other person, "This is what you gave me." Thanks for understanding how I've been feeling... it's nice to know it's common to others and not just me being selfish.
Thanks for understanding how I've been feeling... it's nice to know it's common to others and not just me being selfish.
@AmbiePam (92439)
• United States
9 Jan 13
Nope, it makes you human. I can understand that. You have given so much and for once you dared to expect something that would reflect appreciation for that. I miss the Christmas season because there was such an air of joy around me. Maybe it wasn't that big with me, but it was contagious, and that kind of thing I'm willing to catch.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
30 Dec 12
Thanks, farjun! That's reassuring And no worries... I definitely didn't make a big deal out of it at all. In fact, I never said a word about how I was feeling inside. I was very appreciative of receiving the gift and made sure to say so several times. I would absolutely not hurt anyone's feelings -- especially not for trying to do something nice.
And no worries... I definitely didn't make a big deal out of it at all. In fact, I never said a word about how I was feeling inside. I was very appreciative of receiving the gift and made sure to say so several times. I would absolutely not hurt anyone's feelings -- especially not for trying to do something nice.
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
31 Dec 12
You are so kind my friend, for bearing how many years that you aren't receiving any gifts even from your husband when all the time during Christmas he also have one.
My husband and i would give each other gifts on Christmas when each of us has lots of extra money from our own salaries or is given bonus. But when there's none, we make sure that our daughter has shopping money from us on Christmas day, her birthday also.
Our gift to each other, is making our daughter happy by shopping for whatever she likes and shopping money so when she goes back to the far city where she studies, she can shop for things she likes. Another gift is eating out after we have attended the mass. It's a beautiful gift to ourselves indeed.
So, my dear giving yourself that cookware is just very much okay. I hope you will always do that to yourself because you deserve it, really.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Dec 12
We were fortunate at those holidays that we were able to afford gifts... but when we had children, he decided (without my agreement) that Christmas was only for them and no longer for us. I've always made sure that the girls have really good and happy Christmases... because it's the one time of year to "be a little spoiled." We don't shop much at all during the year for anything other than true necessities so Christmas becomes the one time to be treated to a few special things... and I believe everyone should feel that (including my extended family like my sister, niece, etc.). I hadn't thought of just getting the other set for myself, anyway, but a lot of people seem to think that would be perfectly ok :) I'm mulling it over... and thank you for sharing these thoughts!
@jeanneyvonne (5501)
• Philippines
31 Dec 12
It's not horrible of you. You have every right to expect a gift and expect the one you liked. However, you must also accept the fact that some gifters don't usually take note or give emphasis and details, especially when it comes to women gifts. they, your family, will just think that you were given what they thought you have wanted -a cookware set. perhaps, they took it in a general set and assumed that any cookware set will work for you. Although I want to diss your family, it''s quite ill thought.
You might not get the cookware that you wanted but relish the thought that they did gave you a gift. If you still want that cookware buy it charge it to them(more likely, your husband) and consider it a gift to your self (or indirectly from your husband). They are gonna benefit from it anyway.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
31 Dec 12
You are right, jeanneyvonne, that they probably thought that cookware was cookware and that the specific set didn't matter. I mean, at the time I said that I'd really like it, I did say that it wasn't a large set and it was a very good price. Maybe they thought I was trying to "not ask for too much" -- when I was, instead, pointing out the exact thing I truly wanted. They did buy something that was "sort of" the same and I think that's a huge part of why I felt bad for being disappointed... as though I should just be happy they tried, you know?
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
30 Dec 12
It doesn't make you a bad person...unless me feeling the same way makes me a bad person! 
I hope not! Lol.
See, I have always wanted this certain engagement ring since the first set I had, 9 years ago. My husband knew it and so this year he bought me the ring, but not the exact ring just one that looks kind of like it...I was happy with it, but not thrilled like I should have been I guess. I feel bad not being very happy with it but I couldn't help it...
The ring is growing on me now and I do love it. So I hope you can eventually fall in love with the set you got! =)
I hope not! Lol.
See, I have always wanted this certain engagement ring since the first set I had, 9 years ago. My husband knew it and so this year he bought me the ring, but not the exact ring just one that looks kind of like it...I was happy with it, but not thrilled like I should have been I guess. I feel bad not being very happy with it but I couldn't help it...
The ring is growing on me now and I do love it. So I hope you can eventually fall in love with the set you got! =)
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
30 Dec 12
I really appreciate the reassurance, LovingMyBabies. I worry all the time about not disappointing my daughters ... even though they aren't little kids anymore. I always put a lot of thought and effort into what they receive and I'm really rewarded by their excitement and happiness. I feel like I can see both sides of the coin when it comes to gifts.
I feel for you on the ring -- much more so than the cookware set I got. I mean, an engagement ring is so personal and symbolic and special. Cookware is just cookware . But, the similarity is clearly that we both spent time thinking about and choosing something and then receiving something different is an adjustment to make. I'm the only one that cooks (except for the bit of baking my daughters might try or pancakes now again that they make). I picked the set I felt was the best quality and value and had the pieces that made the most sense for my personal cooking style. I gave them the store flyer and everything, at the beginning of the week of the sale, so I thought it would be super easy for them.
I'm sure once I get to using the stuff, I'm going to be happy to have it. As I said, it's been 25 years that I've been cooking with and staring into the same pots and pans It'll be nice to sort of freshen up the kitchen with something new. I think, bottom line, I was just surprised by how let down I felt. Almost like I wanted to say, "didn't anyone listen?"
. But, the similarity is clearly that we both spent time thinking about and choosing something and then receiving something different is an adjustment to make. I'm the only one that cooks (except for the bit of baking my daughters might try or pancakes now again that they make). I picked the set I felt was the best quality and value and had the pieces that made the most sense for my personal cooking style. I gave them the store flyer and everything, at the beginning of the week of the sale, so I thought it would be super easy for them.
I'm sure once I get to using the stuff, I'm going to be happy to have it. As I said, it's been 25 years that I've been cooking with and staring into the same pots and pans It'll be nice to sort of freshen up the kitchen with something new. I think, bottom line, I was just surprised by how let down I felt. Almost like I wanted to say, "didn't anyone listen?"
@mariaperalta (19073)
• Mexico
30 Dec 12
I understand you there, but so remembered at least they remembered you there. Maybe they had a reason for not getting you the other set. Also maybe this set will be even better for you. Open it up, and get cooking there. Happy new years....
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
30 Dec 12
I actually hope that I'm really going to like the set I got. I researched a lot before I chose the other one and felt that I was choosing the right one to meet my needs... but, who knows? You could be right and maybe I'll end up liking this one better. A very Happy New Year to you, too, mariaperalta!
