I have a theory about long-married widows.

I was married for 19 years and my circumstances were much like yours. After 6 years of being single, I am happy and at peace. So much so that I will probably be single the rest of my life, and happily so. I'm glad that you have had your life improved by what was probably devastating circumstances. Everything happens for a reason.

hello dragon, Being single again made me realize that there's a better life after ending a relationship

I would have to agree with all of you that being single is better than being unhappily married. There was once a time I was separated for a week -- about thirty years ago. It was, at the time, my faith that kept me motivated to try to save my marriage. There were some very rocky months when I realized that divorce could be a possibility. The Lord intervened by sending us a couple of children who needed a home, and in working together to make a home for them, we rebuilt our own relationship. I can say honestly now that I'm happier today with my husband than when we were first married, and I would really hate to lose him. Some bad marriages can be saved if both people are committed to saving them and are motivated. Forgiveness is always possible if repentance is present and there is no physical abuse or addiction present. However, some marriages cannot be saved if one partner continually wounds the other physically or psychologically and has no intention of changing that behavior. In such cases, a woman may have to go her own way and rebuild her life as an individual, as you have all done.

I'm basically a person who does not get much satisfaction out of group activities such as parties. I like getting to know people and having one-on-one conversations that can get into depth without being interrupted by people who walk into the middle of them. So lunch dates or walks together would be my preferred kind of activities. It would make sense to find friends who share these interests. The problem is that most single women I know work and want to walk early in the morning before I'm up, whereas I like to walk at dusk when it's no longer hot and I can get good sunset pictures. Married women needs to conform somewhat to their husbands' schedule, just as I do. So going out to lunch often means leaving something at home for my husband to heat up while I go out. Going out is also expensive for those on a budget. To meet possible friends, one does have to go to some group events to get acquainted. So I'm trying to get up earlier so I can get to church more often. Making friends also means having to make the first move sometimes and taking the risk of rejection. That's what often stopped my mom from suggesting a lunch date with anyone but me.

Let's hope neither of us ever has to cross that bridge, but it's even worse for a lot of husbands who have been happily married when they lose their wives. Far too many husbands rely on their wives to arrange the details in their lives, including the social calendar. I wonder how my husband will find his glasses and his keys and remember his medical appointments. A lot of husbands who have been happily married get married again as soon as possible. I've seen this happen three times in the past three years. Two of them married recent widows they had known and even dated before they married the first time. It's not that easy for widows (unless, maybe, they have recently widowed ex-boyfriends they are still in touch with). So while we can hope we won't have to cross that bridge anytime soon, the odds are against us never having to cross it, so we'd better start preparing.

Then only focus on your mutual interests. You may not become the best of friends, but at least you will have something in common and your influence in her life might be very positive..

I think you have hit it on the head. Most of the people who showed up at the memorial service were either men her husband had worked with in the past who came from out of town, or couples who knew both of them and spent time with them as couples. Life was also focused on family events with children and grandchildren. The family will still only be two hours away, and those family events will still happen, and maybe even more frequently. I told N I'm hoping I'll have a chance to get to know her better and she says she'd like that. So the openness appears to be there. It would not be unusual that we might share common interests, though probably both of us have interests the other doesn't share.

hi LovingMyBabies oh my G I can remember still walking across the street and cars stopping for me and thinking why not just stand here and let myself get killed.I am too alone how can I survive. but then common sense hit me and I got across that street and realized how cowardly that would have been. And to leave my son with both parents now gone. I finally learned to face widowhood but one day at a time. I went back to work at once as it was security in a world suddenly turned upside down. m y adult son helped me so much by moving in with me , and we shared the retn and utilies. I did not think I would make it but m y job helped so much too. and my coworkers were all friends of mine too.So here I am many years later and i did make it after all.Retirement was another trauma until I found mylot and its been so good for me every since too.

That is exactly how I would feel Hatley, I would want to die with him. I wouldn't kill myself because of my kids but that is a major fear of mine, to lose my husband somehow... Two times I have gotten the call from him at work that he was hurt badly and it scared the life out of me! I feel like I would lose my mind without him...

Loving, Sometimes you can keep yourself too busy after losing someone you love. That's what I did. I started a business as therapy. Now I'm trapped in it and would love to find a way out of it. It kept me busy, but if I had it to do over, I would have chosen a different way to be busy and I would have not made any important decisions about the direction of my life (unless forced to) for at least a year. I sincerely hope you won't have to deal with widowhood anytime in the near future. When you have time, though, see if you can share some of your interests with your kids. It might be good for you and them. And Hatley is right about living one day at a time. It's much easier to think about getting through a day than the rest of your life.

You are right that no woman is fully prepared for the emotional loss that comes with losing her husband. If he has planned ahead financially to provide for his wife after he is gone, he allows her more time to do her grief work instead of delaying it while she struggles financially to tie up any loose ends in their financial matters, such as finding paperwork and getting access to bank accounts to live on. It helps if a wife has some of her own income and back accounts, too, and has developed a social life that is not dependent on being part of a couple.

Probably each of us has interests hidden within us we don't even know about ourselves, waiting to be discovered. I'm discovering I'm a naturalist at heart, but I didn't realize it until I started taking my photo walks and writing on line. It's an interest I will continue to pursue as time permits.