two sides to a story, right?
@Hatley (163776)
Garden Grove, California
January 1, 2013 11:04am CST
I read a discussion just now that triggered the idea of my own discussion. Some people really have a very bad time going to a
large party where he or she does not know anyone.I know this for
myself as I freeze up at a large party if I know no one there but
the person who brought me. I have done this just to please my
husband he was the only one there whom I knew.Other people have no idea of how we feel.They just say "Oh you are just so selfish
not going to so and so's party to please your mate." Right? not necessarily. All people are not extroverts who relish meeting anyone in any big party and are at ease always.
I have usually forced myself to go to please a family member but
really suffered as I just do not fit in with a large group of people
I do not know.I am wondering really if this makes us introverts
unkind people or bad people because we freeze in a huge crowd? your take my lotters.
14 people like this
39 responses
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
1 Jan 13
I have not been to many parties where I didn't know the people. When I have attended them I usually stay with who I know, hope that I might meet a few people but I don't go out of my way.
It makes us comfortable is really all I can say for this. I don't consider myself an introvert and I don't think I am unkind.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi echoforever from all your posts I just know you
are not an introvert and also you are a kind person
too. A lot of the time I did not go with my husband
If I did not know at least a few people at the party.
He understood and w as not unhappy with me.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Jan 13
hi echo yes I am older and not quite so shybut I will never be
the life of nay party and really I do noit mind that any more. lol
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
1 Jan 13
I am different outside myLot of course but I guess I am not quite as far as an introvert. I have difficulty in groups!
2 people like this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
1 Jan 13
I agree, I totally hate being anywhere if I don't know anyone and it is worse if it is a big party. My older children are the same way and why they hated going to church. It wasn't a big church, but since we didn't start going until they were older, the kids that were "in" would exclude them from activities they were involved in. So even in a church setting, people can be cruel to those who are not outgoing..
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
1 Jan 13
Wow, that was rude..It would have been great if you could have looked this lady in the eye, (as if you were looking for something) and say, "Oh, is that a beam I see?"
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi carm kids specially older on es can be very cruel to those who are not as popular or in the in crowd. I think at times they get this from their own parents too. I am okay if I know at least a few
people but I sure would rather not be at party with a large crowd.You know at a church I always thought people should be more kind but its not always that way at all. I went with my husband to a Seventh day Adventist pot luck party as it w as his church but I felt really bad as I had bent over to drink from an outdoors fountain and this really overweight church lady comes over to me and says, " Your dress is too short, not seemly here in our church"
Then she just walks back inside. She had never seen me before and no my dress was not short .It hit me below my knees. Now if anything showed why did she not whisper"Your slip is showing." No she had to
embarrass me then run off. I told my hubby from then on I was going
to my own church the Methodist church.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Jan 13
I wonder if she would have caught what I meant but yes she probably
would have. I know my hubby was too quiet so he w as really angry
and I think he was embarrassed f or his own church p eople too.I asked him if my slip or panties were showing and he said no they were not.
1 person likes this
@Asylum (47893)
• Manchester, England
1 Jan 13
The only thing that it makes you for certain is a human being. We all behave differently in certain circumstances, but that does not make us any better or any worse than anyone else.
I used to hate going to a party populated totally by strangers when I was younger. It made me feel very ill at ease because I felt that I had nothing to relate to anyone about. The solution for me was a simple one, I stayed where my friends were and where I felt comfortable.
Of course that was a long while ago and we tend to change in many ways as time passes. Nowadays I am quite at ease in the company of strangers and would have no trouble socialising with them.
I do not consider that this makes me either a better person now or a better person before, I am the same person with a different response to the situation.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi Asylum yes it just makes us h man beings and we are all a bit different. now days I am not as shy and I can go to a party as long as there are a few whom I know. I will stay with them and I will be polite and friendly when introduced to others. Often I have found new friends at a get together so all was never lost really. lol.
When I went to work at the library my job helped me to be more
outgoing as I worked with the public some. I also became known as the library lady to a lot of Tustinites as they knew me as one who shelved books but did not know my name. lol lol.
@BarBaraPrz (47059)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
1 Jan 13
Have a few drinksh... you'll feel more comforshable shoon enough... hic!
3 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (47059)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
1 Jan 13
I may have saved someone's life at a party because I knew the fellow was a diabetic. Everyone else thought he was just drunk, but I told him to check his blood sugar and yes, it was quite low.
3 people like this
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
1 Jan 13
I really don't know anyone who can go to a party all alone and have a good time. I've never done that and couldn't even imagine it. I've always went with someone and ended up having a pretty good time, even though I'm not too thrilled about large crowds or parties anymore.
If someone talks to me, I immediately talk and try to keep the conversation going and this is something I had to teach myself to do. I'm also very shy but push myself to be more talkative.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi Kashmeresmycat HappyNew Year. I meant with someone you know b ut do not k nm ow any of the crowd just the one you go with. I am an inrovert but I am better now b ut when I married my h ubby was very much the extravert and he helped me t o be a bit more outgoing and I went with him to please him not myself, as I never knew
anyone at those parties but often meet some other fellow introverts
and became friend with them too.Here I am mostly upstairs in my own room and on my computer but I have a small group of friends here. I just do not like sitting watching dumb sit coms downstairs for hours. Some sit there all day every da y. this would drive me nuts. I do strive at a party to talk when talked to but prefer
small groups with some whom I know.
2 people like this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
2 Jan 13
I often go to events alone, and on occasion I used to go to parties alone, but I usually at least knew the person who invited me or it was a party of an organization I belonged to. If I can't find someone to talk to, I just leave. I go to most art exhibit openings alone, but I fall back on my camera to get people talking. I have gotten to know some of the artists now, but I didn't when I started going. But, I can act like an extrovert when the occasion calls for it. Mostly, I don't like purely social occasions unless they are with people I know well and care about.
2 people like this
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
1 Jan 13
I've never gone all alone but if I had, I wouldn't of had fun I know that.
3 people like this
@Jennlee3 (292)
• United Kingdom
1 Jan 13
Introverts and extroverts can not so easily be lumped into the category of 'good' and 'bad'. Some bad people are introverts, other bad people extroverts and same goes for good people. It has nothing to do with morality and is more just a personality type. And being introverted is absolutely not negatively equated morally. It's sometimes negatively equated socially, however. Society dictates if you don't want to be social in a large crowd setting, at a bar or club or party- your behavior is somehow selfish and wrong. But it's not. Why would you ever want someone to suffer through an event they didn't enjoy? It's absurd that society and people make us introverts feel guilty just because we have social anxiety in social situations.
I am an introvert and my girlfriend has some extrovert tendencies and enjoys going out. So we compromise. She is sensitive to my social anxiety and frequently makes sure I'm okay, allows me to sit outside (at a club) if I need some air but I go and stick with her because I know she likes it. Similarly, she will sacrifice some nights out to stay in with me and watch movies, read, whatever. That way, neither one of us is truly sacrificing because we are both having our needs met. I find in life it is good to have balance and so long as you have someone who truly loves, respects and understands you, they will not make you feel bad or guilty for social anxiety.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi jennlee you are so right and my husband though an extravert also was sensitive to my feelings. He did try to help me to be more self assured but he never pushed it and was not upset if I did not
want to go to a party where I would not know but one or two people.Of course I did go often for his sake and he always found someone who also was ill at ease so we would converse while he mingled too. Often he stayed home with me instead of going ven if he had been invited.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
2 Jan 13
Introverts are just ordinary folk who can enjoy their own company and sometimes prefer it to that of other people. There's nothing negative or selfish about it. Extroverts seem to constantly need others around them to thrive, whereas never begin alone would drive an introvert crazy. Often Introverts and extroverts marry each other and help balance each other. But there's nothing wrong with either preference. There's certainly no reason to look down on someone who has a difference preference than you do. Perhaps extroverts just don't understand why everyone can't be like them. Maybe they are convinced introverts can't possibly be happy to be alone, since they wouldn't be happy to spend an evening home alone (meaning without the partner being with them.)
1 person likes this
@Jennlee3 (292)
• United Kingdom
2 Jan 13
I agree with bagarad. Neither preference is bad or better than the other. It's just that- a preference. But I agree that despite how understanding we are, if something is intrinsic to our personality, such as the extrovertive quality of wanting or needing to constantly be around people- it might be impossible or difficult for someone to understand how someone would prefer some time alone and they might think you are just being sad or anti-social and not just enjoying a preference of your personality.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63567)
• United States
1 Jan 13
no... it just makes us introverts...
I am the same way, except that I've developed some tactics.
First, I do my best to avoid being even invited. Second, I have my "safe" topics I will talk about. And, if I get dragged to one I can generally find another person looking as unhappy as myself and soon we'll be happily talking off to the side.
You are never the only introvert at a big bash.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi Elicbxn oh thats right. I have done that at several parties as gthe o hter person looked even more forlorm than I felt.Oddly'
one pf them was one who had worked with me in the hospital and
in some way had engineered my hubby to be into meeting me as h e was o ur new orderly. So he and I met and we fell in love on the spot lol. Oddly he w as completely opposite of me a real extrovert.
And He was always pushing me to go with him to parties where I knew no one but him. lol.And I always ended up with one or two other introverts. lol
2 people like this
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
1 Jan 13
I hate getting invited to parties especially when the crowd are total strangers. I am a reserved type of person and when put in a room with complete
Strangers I become a living statue. No words spoken unless asked and when accidental eyes contact happened I just put up a reluctant smile. I have not learned the techniques of breaking the ice with strangers in a party.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi zandi I am so much the same way ;.And if I try something to break the ice invariably it fails and the other person looks at
ne like I had four eyes or horns out of my head. lol.I did go
to please m yhusband but I did not really enjoy it at all as
like you said I a m reserved and I just freeze up for sure.
My husband had been a big help to me to be more outgoing but he never pushed me and if I did not want to go he did understand.
I still do not know the techniques of breaking the ice and
always flounder so ha ve learned not to even try. lol
2 people like this
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
1 Jan 13
Dear Ms Hatley
Happy New Year
I have never been alone to any party - big or large. But yes, I have been to parties where I did not know many. And I am a reserved person and do take time to open up. I never gave it a thought whether I am introvert or not but just continued doing things...If I was greeted at the party, I would reciprocate and if not, I would have my time with the friend(s) who took me there or even confine myself to the food, drinks and the other enjoyments at any party... Knowing the host or the bulk of other people never had any influence on me enjoying my time at the party.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi the sids happy New Year I am glad you can really handle it
and I think if a person like me were to go to a lot of parites with somone who knew my feelings that eventually I would not feel so lost at any s ized party. But I guess we are really who we are good bad or indifferent. lol lol
1 person likes this
@JohnRok1 (2051)
•
1 Jan 13
Freezing in a huge crowd doesn't make us introverts unkind people or bad people or just shy. It's being introverts unkind people or bad people or just shy or, perhaps, just being on the not excessively extrovert side of normal that makes us freeze in a huge crowd.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi john yes I do not think we are unkind or bad,just not really outoing as I can be outgoing when I do know other people at
a party and even surprise those who know I am quite shy. B ut in a large group of complete strangers I do tend to freeze up and I
get upset with myself as I worked for years as a nurses aid meeting strangers all the time.
But there I was trained to be pleasant and to be helpful also the job was fulfilling my need to help other people and sort of fulfill what I felt I was pu t on this earth for. I was never shy in this job ever. Odd because at parties with nobody I knew I was really uncomfortable.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi John I don't think I have as I ha ve read most of his works. I will have to read that one. Yes I imagine there are times when its wise to b e shy.
oh yeah I remember this one. About t en years ago I was on my way to my bank when a group of people whom I knew,not as friends per se just acquaintances passed me and one called to me. I pretended I did not hear her and slunk back into the door way of a store where they could not see me. So I got about a half block from my bank and oh my G. police cars at least four of them surrounded the bank.Two police officers came out with fifteen people between them, then two others with a man handcuffed and all the officer got in their cars, and the two with the criminal helped him in then drove off. I had inadvertently managed not to get caught with an armed man holding everyone hostage in my own bank. wow. so that time it was good to b e shy.
1 person likes this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
1 Jan 13
Dear Hatley I am an introvert too and dont like gatherings where I dont know anyone except one or two people. Thank God my husband is not extremely extrovert so I am not in the uncomfortable situation too often to have to accompany him to such events.
We introverts are neither spoil sports nor selfish........to each his or her own and we are just not fond of big crowds of people. Off my soapbox here in mylot.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi rittersport Happy New Year I can see there are a lot
of us introverts here. My husband did try to help me but
he also did not push me if he knew there would not be anyone
I knew.He came from a family who were all out going and too
all his kin seemed to have at least four or five kids,
lol Yes we just are not fond of big crowds right.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Jan 13
I'm an ambivert. When with the right group I can ham it up and interact quite a bit.When I was in high school right on through the time I moved here, I was pretty sociable and thrived on getting acquainted with people I didn't know. I've met and gotten to know well at least two people in a Christian bookstore who were customers when I was employed there. I wound up inviting both home to dinner, knowing my husband would understand. One of those women, who since moved to the Bay area, called shortly before Christmas when she was in town and invited us to visit her and a friend in Avila Beach. Then she took us all out for a delicious dinner in San Luis Obispo. Of course, those were one on one conversations started in a place we both wanted to be in -- a bookstore -- and a common interest is always a help in talking to someone.
It's only since I moved here I've become somewhat of a hermit who would rather stay home than go out -- unless the social occasion or person inviting me out is special to me. I do go out unwillingly sometimes, and I usually manage to find someone to mix with, but I still would rather escape big parties where I'm not likely to know many people. I hate small talk, and if forced into a large group, I'll try to find someone else there who would rather talk about something important and skip the small talk. It's usually fairly easy to get someone to talk about himself, if all else fails.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi bagarad oh In a bookstore oh I would ha ve loved to work in a bookstore,I could be more sociable t oo. I love books and
reading and also writing too.I did learn to be more comfortable when I joined a writers group as we all had something in common there. I have become a bit of a hermit here as I detest sitcoms on the television downstairs and I cannot abide small talk. If I get into a conversation abvout something real then I can hold my own. I really loved a class they had here when I came called exercising your brain" as it worked with us to help us to keep our brains functioning normally through old age. I am not senile nor are many here but a few have had strokes and that class was meant to help them particularly.We learned how to think outside the box actually. Our leader would give us little exercises like how many ways can you think of to use empty half gallon milk jugs or how many things could you do with a wheel barrow full of bricks that were broken in half. These stretched ones thinking and they were fun for me at least to do.
1 person likes this
@mariaperalta (19073)
• Mexico
1 Jan 13
I never had to worry. Im not the party type. Plus when I was married I would never go to a party with my ex. I knew hed get drunk and stupid. Hope u had a happy new years there my dear. And I hope 2013 is far better for you and all of us here. Take care. Love ya...
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi maria have a r eally wonderful New Year and hope you get to see your son occasionally too. I was so lucky to have the kind of husband I had, he was so supportive and actually he and my son spoiled me a lot so when I became a widow I had to learn to really
fend for myself. My son still does that. I will ask how to do something so I can do it and he always ends up instead doing it for me. I did not ask him to do that, just t ell me how tp do it. lol
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Jan 13
hi echo I still dont think I would be happy at a large party where i did notknow hardly anyone, a small gorup of friends that I cou ld do b ut I am not a party person anyway.
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
1 Jan 13
I think I am kind of over that party stage as well, it didn't do much for me except get me hurt in one way or another.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
1 Jan 13
Well, there are times I have gone and done something just because the person I was going to be with really wanted me to come. And then you get there and feel all alone and really have no one you can talk with or deal with, so it makes you feel miserable and you think how you would really rather be at home.
This is how I feel around my husbands family most of the time. Especially when we go around his brothers. Most of the time he even feels like this, so unless there are going to be others around like his sister or his Mom, we now don't go. And going out to his dads anymore is even worse. So I can relate where you are coming from.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
typo Dorothy was also a good friend to m e.Their not theior.,ugh
hate making typos
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
2 Jan 13
I'm such a weird person-I can strike up a conversation with a total stranger anywhere, but put me in a room with people I know and I freeze up! I think it's because I'm afraid that they'll make fun of me, ignore me or talk about me behind my back. I really don't enjoy going to parties any more as a result-even family ones. I always feel silly joining a group because I usually end up as the odd person out.
2 people like this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
4 Jan 13
You know what? It's got to be a Scorpio thing! I've found as I get older, I'm pretty much as you described yourself. Someone that knew me growing up (she's old enough to be my mom actually) told me that she thought I was shy! That's something I've never been told! I just don't really do well in groups though.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
13 Jan 13
hi scorpiobabes I read our horoscope once and i really am a lot like what it said scorpios do. My best friend Nelda is also a scorpi and she says she does not do well in large crowds but she is really such a warm hearted person I think she sells herself short.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Jan 13
hi oddly I can strike up a conversation with one stranger because thats one on one.As an older person now I am
a little shy around younger people because I never know
when I am going to be taken as an intelligent woman or
as a senile old biddy. lol A lot of people here in Gold Crest do know I am very intelligent and not at all senile. I am alsol not really great in groups unless they are close friends of mine.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Jan 13
hi dawn you are so right as its none of their business if they
cannot understand I am not comfortable going to a party o f strangers.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
Hi dawn that is it isn't it we are just introverts.
WE are j ust what we are and not comfortable with
large groupos of people we do not know.Oddly I
was fine with a small group of friends as I could
bust be me.But some people have often told me I am
selfish for not wanting to go to a large party of
people I had never met just to please
a family member.
1 person likes this
@MandaLee (3760)
• United States
1 Jan 13
Dear Hatley,
Not at all. Being an introvert is a good thing. One of my brothers is an introvert at times. He is kind and sensitive, but there are times when he enjoys being social at gatherings or parties. He is a wonderful person.
Happy New Year!
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
Hi MandaLee thanks as I think so too as I can be sociable with
a small group and I do have a few friends here in Gold crest.
Your brother sounds like a great person to me.yes we do tend
to be sensitive and tr y to be kind always.Happuy New Year.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Jan 13
yhes echo I have met people like that and they will surprise you as this one man here did to me. I had thought of him as b ing sort of a hermit type but yet when I struggled to open the front door the other night coming back from shopping and its was dark and cold and I need three hands one for the door and two for my walker. . He held the door op;n intil I got inside with my walker, I thanked and he said think nothing of it de nada. And tipped his hat. lol
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
1 Jan 13
Yes there's those whom are closed up a bit but still very kind.
1 person likes this
@allyoftherain (7208)
• United States
1 Jan 13
I have social anxiety disorder, so large crowds are legitimately terrifying to me. I always hated going to parties or places where I didn't know anyone or didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone, because I would freeze-up, close-off, and on special occasions have a panic attack.
I'm better now that I've been in therapy for several months, and been on good ol' anti-anxiety medication. But I still don't like parties where I don't know anyone.
I don't think that people make harsh judgements of me for being a recluse though. They probably just think I'm shy.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi alleyolftherain I was there and I did that too the panic attacks. It always hit me when we went to shop at this food Barn. It was lowepriced on everything and hordes of people shopped
in this barn like place. I would be getting good bargains on produce when I would look up and freeze as hordes of people
were seeming to crowd around me. My husband had to come and help me get checked out and then he sat me down at the lunch counter
they had.I would be breathing so fast and my heart pounding and then I could not seem to breathe at all but he kept talking to me softly until I got control. I was so embarrassed by this. I finally went to mental health clinic and a woman counselor there helped me to overcome this.So I was also uncomfortable at any party with a large number of people whom I did not know. I was okay in small groups of people I did know.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Jan 13
hi allyof therain yes I have always hated being labeled like that as i knew my shortcoming but I was not that bad either. I like being with my roomie and do not like to be alone either.I would go down stairs and read when my computer was out of order aS THERE WERE ALWAYS n someone else there watching television there.
@allyoftherain (7208)
• United States
1 Jan 13
It's nice knowing I'm not the only one and that you were able to overcome it. I always felt awkward as a result of it, because I don't think of myself as a typical introvert. I may be afraid of new people, but I don't like spending time by myself and I'm not happiest in my own company. Even when I'm reading, I prefer to be in a room with someone in my family than by myself.
Maybe I just don't like being boxed to a group definition of introvert vs. extrovert. That's likely too.
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85289)
• Valdosta, Georgia
1 Jan 13
I am the same way in person, I don't like being in a big crowd of strangers. It makes me super uncomfortable and I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I would rather go to something with a small group of people I do know. I am a shy person and quiet so its not like I can start a conversation to get to know people, I have never been good at that ever! I don't think that makes me rude, I just think its my personal preference...
3 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 13
hi LovingMyBabies its just who we are really isnt it?,I mean I will make an effort but I am just not comfortable. I also am a
shy quiet person and while my hubby was alive he managed to help me be more outgoing but he was never forcing me into anything that made me uncomfortable either.So I have just learned to be myself and let it go at that.
1 person likes this