I am doing this because I love him
By scorpiobabes
@scorpiobabes (7225)
United States
January 8, 2013 7:39pm CST
I love my boyfriend Jim. When we met, he was separated from his wife. I wasn't sure about dating him, but he showed me the divorce paperwork. That was in December 2010; she had left in mid-April and filed that July.
This woman must have left with the clothes on her back; the house was filled with her crap! I wasn't too keen on living in her shadow, so with Jim's help, we began to gather her personal things and put them into a spare room. She came and picked it all up the following summer.
Jim had been trying to get a loan modification on his home; he had already lived there for about four years and didn't really want to give it up. He had sent the requested paperwork, but Chase (his mortgage bank) kept requesting it over and over again. So he would (occasionally) answer phone calls, and get nowhere. This went on until we moved out last April. The paperwork eventually was sent to our apartment here, but everything stopped in November.
His estranged wife, Tanya, had repeatedly said that she wanted the house out of her name. At some point, she asked him to come to her bankruptcy attorney's office to sign a document giving him ownership of the home. Nobody seemed to be aware that it wasn't a true quit-claim deed, nor would it remove her from the mortgage. She tied her bankruptcy to the divorce, and I'm stuck in the middle.
Well, on January 1st this year, Tonya sent Jim a text message and asked him if he'd be interested in doing a short sale on the house. He was stunned, and they spoke for some time on the phone; then he called for me. I went through a short sale on both my home, and later, my father's estate for his home, and he asked me to speak to her. I did, but I was not happy about it.
I spoke to someone I knew that handled short sales, and got her involved. Now I'm helping Jim through his side of the transaction-gathering paperwork, emailing, faxing, etc.
If that wasn't enough, Jim's home was broken into, and the burglars took about $9700 worth of his collectibles, plus another $4500 of my former business supplies. I'm also helping him sort that mess out.
I wouldn't do this, except that I love Jim, and eventually I'd like to marry him. My prior relationship was with a man who hid his true relationship status (common-law married) from me for seven years; is it any wonder that I'm not entirely comfortable with the circumstances right now?
4 people like this
9 responses
@MaylaJay (349)
•
9 Jan 13
You definitely have the right to be uncomfortable, but remember that your boyfriend is uncomfortable too. He probably wants out just as much as you. He's stressed and nothing seems to be going good for him. It will get worse before getting better. However, I'm sure that if you stick by him, when this mess blows over he'll want you to be his wife.
3 people like this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
9 Jan 13
I just feel like I'm the ONLY responsible adult in the mess! He's not stressed about it because I'm basically acting on what he tells me-I'm the one that's stressed.
@icats64 (43)
• United States
9 Jan 13
Best advice: Back away.
Have him deal with the ex.
My husband's crazy ex-wife was causing a lot of issues after we were married (he had custody of his son)and I got stuck dealing with her and the kid.
I was always dealing with obtaining information on her to give to the attorney, and when my husband didn't want to deal with his kid, I had to. Then the husband found World of Warcraft which he found even more reasons not to deal with his baggage.
I got severely stressed. The stress finally caught up to me when I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease which was brought on by the stress. I have had two fusions in my neck and one in my lower back. Now I am totally disabled.
I thought I was helping but I realized, I was giving him a way out not to deal with what was created before me. Over time it got worse because now, he doesn't want to do any responsibilities. He just wants to go to work (desk job) then come home to eat and play his game. We don't do anything together, everything is my fault, and he wants a divorce because his son moved out in 2011 at the age of 17 to live with the ex, so he doesn't need a nanny anymore.
Sit down and tell your boyfriend, that you do love him and you can try to give advice, but he has to deal with the ex. His mess was before you (the ex) and anything that has to do with her is his responsibility. All the drama and stress will catch up to you so you need to eliminate it.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
11 Jan 13
I'm quite tempted, even more so since I read your story.
The insurance claim is related to a break in where both of us had things stolen. I don't mind handling the police part, seeing as some of my things were stolen; what irritates me is that both of them want me to handle their baggage (the house getting set up for sale) and I'd love to just wipe my hands of the entire mess!
The agent needs to get inside of the house and take pictures-we need to get over there and get the final items we want, as well as clean up the trash. His idea was to get his wife involved and I asked why? she had nothing to do with the break in! Still shaking my head over his logic on that one.
I will go get his daughter's things, as well as the remainder, but it is NOT my job to clean up this mess by myself!
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Jan 13
hi scorpiobabes wow that is a lot of doing for the guy you love ,.You have been through the mill with your former relationship
so I can see you getting up tight now.
I lived through my parents quarreling every day for y ears so when I got old enough to marry I really was not a bit enthusiastic at all. Not till I met my hubby to be and then fell madly in love. lol
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (166051)
• Boise, Idaho
9 Jan 13
Usually they send paperwork back because of some major problem. Are you sure that Jim didn't befriend you because you could help him with his house and divorce woes? I would wonder. And was it just fate that someone breaks in and steals collectibles. Who would know about these things unless it is his ex? I would question alot of this. And it sounds like she was in the house to get her stuff and could have seen your business stuff and mapped out the place for someone to come in and steal it later.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
10 Jan 13
Oh no, Jim was already in love with me before I moved in with him. The house has been vacant since April; the fact that the collectibles were not removed were his fault. It's his own fault. Tanya hasn't been there; she doesn't even live nearby now. He never went and packed things up; I did the majority of the packing in the house yet he kept making excuses and that's why nothing was ready when the moving help was there in April.
Criminals take advantage of seeing homes that don't have any activity there. I went through this myself back in 2009, so I made sure that I had gathered most of my things. My business things were in closed suitcases; but they were stored in a closet. But I did grab everything else of mine that I could, as well as some personal things of Jim's (family albums) the last time I went alone to pick things up.
Whoever went in used the back doors to access the cellar-they weren't secured by the bank. Every room was ransacked-I took about 70 pictures we're giving to the police and to the insurance company.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
11 Jan 13
It's his fault; he thinks the world should operate by HIS standards and it doesn't. He just needs to grow up, pull up his big panties and take care of his responsibilities.
1 person likes this
@evitz711 (65)
• Philippines
9 Jan 13
Hi Friend,
I know how it feels. I wish and pray that you two can pass this trial.
Hope the best for your relationship. For sure for all this sacrifices that your doing will return a much more happiness for you.. And wish that he will ask for your hand for marriage as soon as that trial is over.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
9 Jan 13
Thank you. I appreciate his confidence in me and how I'd handle it for him, but I really would rather than he grow up and deal with it himself and I just be an observer. It's frustrating knowing that his childishness about his refusal in dealing with his estranged wife is holding up our future.
I've already told him that if it were up to me, I'd grab them both by the back of their necks and bang their heads together!
@vernaC (1491)
• Romania
9 Jan 13
What a mess you've got into
. Hopefully in time you're able to cope up with all these mess. Like for the right time for you and this man to be free from these troubles and get married without problems in your mind. You sound to be a strong woman so I'm sure you know what you're doing so goodluck and I wish you happiness both.
. Hopefully in time you're able to cope up with all these mess. Like for the right time for you and this man to be free from these troubles and get married without problems in your mind. You sound to be a strong woman so I'm sure you know what you're doing so goodluck and I wish you happiness both.@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
9 Jan 13
Did I ever?! It's only because I've been through it myself (a short sale) that I even made the suggestion to Jim. Hopefully I won't snap-our phones were turned off yesterday and that may be a bank problem that I get to bring to their attention (and have them reimburse us) this morning too.
Some days I really thrive on this type of craziness, but right now I'm feeling overwhelmed. My priority to Jim and me should be to first get the phone situation taken care of (if possible) and to do our laundry, but this mess of a real estate transaction also has a time crunch.
Ugh! I'd normally say "Calgon, take me away!", but I don't take bubble baths.
@ZoeJoy (1392)
• United States
11 Jan 13
If Jim wants you to help him and you are willing to help him, then perhaps, it will work for both of you. At least with Jim, you seem to know what is really going on in his life.
Personally, if I were Jim, I would buy you a new home. Something fresh for both of you. Sounds like if it is a short sale, then you do have to move.
Well, if you find someone with a past, then you know that you will have to deal with the past. So, do your best to put the past in the past.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
11 Jan 13
I'm 41 and Jim is 48; we both come with pasts. This is how we're dealing with what's left of his-his wife (who walked about on him nearly 3 years ago) had set it up her divorce terms along with the house being out of her name.
The house is going to be sold at a short sale; the two of them don't really want to handle anything, and I'm about fed up with it. Initially I was told it was his, so when I moved in, I set forth into making it into a home; he just didn't understand that because HER name was on the mortgage still, it wasn't really his home. I've been pushing both of them to do a short sale for over a year; she had to have someone else tell her that it was the only way to move forward.
I've been after him to move out of that house for years-it was unhealthy inside, and something didn't feel right there. I think that we're finally moving forward with our relationship; this short sale is only the beginning.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
25 Jan 13
Personally if I were you, I would be really thinking about this. Could it have been his Ex wife or some of her friends who broke in? When it comes to owning property allowing yourself to come in the middle might not be wise. All I can say is I see a lot of Red Flags in here I would be thinking twice about. You need to really think more about what would be Best for you.
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
9 Jan 13
What is a 'short sale'? And a quit-claim?
Is the ex wife, now claiming she wants half of the house sale?
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
9 Jan 13
I'm sorry Annie, let me explain.
A short-sale is when you sell a home and the bank is willing to accept less than the mortgage value. A quit-claim deed is when someone gives up their rights to a piece of real estate for a specific sum or token; Tanya tried to say in the document she asked Jim to sign that she had given up all rights to the home in exchange for $2.
The ex has finally come to the realization that a short sale is better for both of them instead of a foreclosure; unfortunately, that means that we'll have to deal with her a bit longer.
The two of them won't see a dime-it seems (as best as I can figure), they've really not paid much on the mortgage since they bought it in 2006. They were under a modification plan to repay the loan under new terms; she violated that almost immediately.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
14 Jan 13
Sorry to hear that you are going through all of that. It seems there is a lot that has to be done and that needs to be handled. I hope that things will get sorted out soon so that you will not have to worry about being in the middle of things like that anymore. There definitely is a lot that you don't want to get in the middle of.
