Forgive and forget?
By Carolyn63
@Carolyn63 (1403)
United States
January 23, 2013 1:37pm CST
I've gone on and on about my birth father. And I've discussed the issues I'd faced with my father in law.
My mother, that's a horse of another color. She is very much like my father in law was. Actually, worse. I gave her several chances. She does nothing but lie and manipulate. I gave up. As I said, I spent most of my life not knowing her. I don't need that in my life now. So, I have nothing to do with her.
And before anyone suggest I give her another chance let me explain..... I was raised with one of my brothers. (The other children came later.) He is a monster, the worst type of predator their is. She played the "I'm sorry for what you went through" card. The whole time knowing she allowed my sister to be done the same way, by one of mother's boyfriends. And I mean stood there and allowed it. And our youngest brother witnessed it. So, no, I can't overlook that.
Cherish the joys of life. Keep them close. Accept that bad things happen but we have a choice in moving forward. I accept that no one is perfect. I don't accept manipulation and lies.
The brother that I was raised with, he too had a choice. Same adoptive parents. (Also really bad people.) I chose hope. I still believe there is good in this world and see it often. He chose to be harmful.
My mother had a choice. She chose selfishness. If someone else is upset, with good cause, she gets mad and makes it about her, because she needs to be the center of attention. Everything is someone else's fault.
Know what, bad things happen. What we choose to do, move forward with hope, or move forward with hate, that isn't decided by the circumstance. In her case, I just choose to move on, move away from being manipulated. It was causing me health issues.
They say one should forgive and forget. Well, if the person hasn't changed, see's nothing wrong with their behaviour, how can I do anything but distance myself from that person. How can I forgive her knowing she'd have done nothing to keep me from harm? Forgetting.... I don't think we should forget our mistakes. I think we should learn from them. Could you forgive and forget?
2 people like this
5 responses
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
23 Jan 13
I left home as I was 15 years old. Your mother sounds like mine (she was beating us children up day and night but did had a (great) job and worked so my father could study for a doctor after that he left her for someone else, which he left too, etc). I did try (as I was pregnant) to forgive, visited all my family, but they stabbed me in the back again, and again, and again. So I deleted them all out of my life. My mother I wrote a letter as I was 16 that if she would be a stranger we never would be friends. We are just too different. It's over 30 years ago now and I assume they (my parents) are still alive. The life I build for me and my children is a way better one as I ever had. We are close and I can assure you that all the loneliness I had, all the sacrifices I made are worth it. My children do know I have (had) parents, they do know what kind of parents (not all the details) and they never missed that part of the family (grandparents, uncles, aunts). They are happy with eachother, their lives. I Always had health issues (as a baby already) and still have. I can handle it way better and hope it will get less and less. My only advice is: do not forget since if you forget you do not know anymore why you decided to live your own life, to pamper and embrace and love yourself. Forgive is a hard issue if it comes to my parents. The strange thing is I never had any feelings if it comes to my mother, no feelings of love no feelings of hate. If it comes to my father I Always adored him but at a certain point I discovered what a terrible man he is (and yes about 1 thing my mother was right he did abuse her in every way to get what he want and dumped her after that). Distance yourself from everybody who want to harm you, is not respecting or accepting you the way you are. Set rules! Treat people the way they treat you! This way you will make new friends, the right ones and believe me also friends can be family.
1 person likes this
@dee777 (1417)
• South Africa
24 Jan 13
My heart ache for you Carolyn63. I wish that I could take a cloth and wife away all the pain people has caused in your life. You have faced so much and through it i sense that you are a strong person.
Do not give power to the past and do not allow it to have a hold on you. Go for your dreams and do not look over your shoulder every now and then, for it will distract you and keep your heart bitter.
Keep going forward. Take time to clean your heart. You need to forgive them all who caused you harm. I think you can do that.
May God be with you and help you.
@Carolyn63 (1403)
• United States
24 Jan 13
Dee, I'm not asking that they be wiped away. I am whom I am because of all I've experienced. The obvious truth is that whether my mother had raised me, or my adoptive parents raised me, there was going to be a rough road. It was simply "in the cards".
Kitty, I am strong. And most of the time I'm happy. Something as simple as the first flower in Spring brings joy. But I am equally as sensitive to hurt. I know this. Therefore I always look within first to see if it's an issue with myself, or an issue with the other person. I know I am human and have my own issues. I also know I don't have to accept the issues and hangups of others as my own. I do love myself. I am proud of myself. All the horrible things my family would have me believe of myself I've proven wrong.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
24 Jan 13
I am one person that would give numerous chances to a person until I just give up. I can forgive for as long as that person knows what mistakes he has done and I would appreciate if he would never do the same things again. To forget? I might ...well it depends on how deep the scar that the pain has left me....
1 person likes this
@Carolyn63 (1403)
• United States
24 Jan 13
It depends on the situation with me. If a person decides to simply give me a hard time by trying to one up me, they are better than I am, they are stronger than I am, and all that mess, then they have issues with themselves and I don't intend on sticking around to be abused.
If someone is quite literally causing me to have health issues, I don't need them in my life.
My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. We've worked side by side for over 10. Do we fight? Rarely. The reason for this...... a simple rule I have. If something happens to upset me, that will never come up again, drop it. If it's something that happens regularly, then we need to talk and resolve the issue. We haven't had a fight in over 10 years. We do disagree now and again about things. But it doesn't escalate. We are entitled to our own opinions.
I wanted a man whom wouldn't cow down to me. But I also wanted a man that would listen, share, and grow with me. I got that and it's a blessing. Neither of us are perfect. But we are able to communicate. We are able to do things together. And we are just as secure in our differences.
I've cause others pain. Not intentionally. I think that is the difference. My mother doesn't care whom she hurts in order to get what she wants. I consider my needs and desires important too, but not at the expense of others.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
23 Jan 13
If you forgive her in your heart you will find peace...but that doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with her.....you sound like you have a great attitude and won't let these things keep you from being a great person! Good for you! I know it's hard and also fogetting sometimes is just impossible to do....keep up the great attitude and you'll be a success in anything you do!
1 person likes this
@Carolyn63 (1403)
• United States
23 Jan 13
Jill, I understand the sentiment. But I would have peace if she would leave me alone. See, her current husband has health issues. She knows my brother won't take her in. My sister would flee the country. She only wants to suck me back in in hopes she'd have someone to help her. She made her bed.
My heart have plenty of room for love. I can forgive most things. There are 3 things in this world that I won't abide. Harming the elderly. Harming children. Harming animals. The lies I could forgive. The placing her children in harms way I can not. No more than I would or could ever forgive my brother for molesting his own children. Hurting me was one thing. Knowing he would do it again is another.
1 person likes this
@5mahi05 (666)
• India
24 Jan 13
I like the attitude of yours towards life. Your post explains that you have gone through a lot in your life and learnt a lot from your experiences. Well, this is what we call as life and my favorite lines comes in picture here. "Life goes on". It is upto us whether we move on or not. As you said, it is our choice on what we decide. Get stuck, act badly or ignore and just move on holding the hope in heart.
Life you said, hope is the only thing that will keep us to survive in this world. There are indeed a lot of good things in this world. Just that, even a single act of a thing or a person will over shadow all the goodness of that thing or that person. So, most of the times, we tend to believe that the world is no more holding anything good in it.
It takes a lot of experience for a person to overlook any person's bad thing and take in only the good things of the person. You have developed that and I am glad you are learning from your mistakes and taking it as an experience.
One day, I am sure you will leave that hate you have for your mother also, and the other people also and smile at them with love. Experience will teach you that also. But it will just take some time to happen.
1 person likes this
@Carolyn63 (1403)
• United States
24 Jan 13
Sweetie, you can love a person and not like them or their actions. I don't hate my mother. I just choose to be healthy. The stress was so intense I would wake with my face swollen after dealing with her the night before. It's her life and she can live it as she wishes. It just won't include me. The fact is the only reason she even looked for me was because her sister was close to finding me. She was afraid I'd find out about her from them. I would have still given her a chance. I don't judge someone by what others think and say. She had several chances. All I actually asked of her was to be honest. And to make it through a conversation without her being negative. When it began to affect my health, well it was time to let go.
I don't hate her now. I just want her to leave me alone.
1 person likes this
@Carolyn63 (1403)
• United States
24 Jan 13
I think forgiveness covers different aspects of any given situation. I forgive her for being selfish and self centered. For causing physical harm to myself and my siblings in order to obtain her own wants, I do not forgive her.
As I said. I do love her and I care about her. But I also care about my health and well being. Hence, I removed her so I could end the stress.
As far as the trauma, even that can be used in a positive way. It helps me look closely at what I want in life, what I expect of myself, what is important. It's all about your outlook. You can use the trauma or the trauma can control you.
