father-in-law seemed to be self pitying already
@SIMPLYD (90721)
Philippines
January 25, 2013 2:56am CST
Last Sunday, my brother in-law and the caregiver of my FIL went to the mall, Thus, it was my mother-in-law, me and the ironing lady who was left behind.
FIL is a big burly man, so heavy, even if he was emaciated already. He was telling us to let her sit in his wheelchair, but we told him to wait for his caregiver to arrive, because I am forbidden to carry heavy thing or exert too much effort, and so with my MIL and the ironing lady who are both old and skinny.
Thus, my MIL tried to fee him by reclining him. But he pursed his mouth and was angry.
So when, my BIL and the caregiver arrived , he was put on the wheelchair and sat with us around the dining table. While in front of all of us, he cried. Even after dinner while on his bed again he cried.
I think he is beginning to have self pity for being bedridden since April. But I can see that he is still the same man, demanding and authoritative when he gives order.
But now, he is self pitying. 
1 person likes this
6 responses
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
25 Jan 13
he is adjusting. it takes long for others. Him being used to being authoritative, he views his state as someone useless. Maybe his depression over it will pass and he will learn to accept someday.
I believe everyone has a purpose. they can still do things. Just because your body is weak and you can't move around makes you useless or unworthy. I feel sorry for those people too, but I never show it. I treat them as my equal but care for them as much as possible. I believe you guys should encourage him to do some things on his own, as long as safety is guaranteed.
Let him mourn it. Be realistic and let him see the good side of things. Maybe he should do something he enjoys that he can still do even in his bed ridden state.
@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
26 Jan 13
Actually, it's just lately that he had been like that. Maybe it was triggered by us not able to help him from his bed to his wheelchair, thus he really felt pitiful because without the help of others he can't move.
But for the past months since April, he is always in a good spirit. Maybe it is slowly dawning unto him, if ever he can really walk again even with the aid of a walker, because he has been going physical therapy since July, yet until now, he can't even get up by himself even in a sitting position in his bed.
We have been giving him something to read like the bible, but he wouldn't. He just wants to watch old movies on TV, is he isn't asleep. 
@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
28 Jan 13
He is an idle man actually. When he was still okay, all he does is eat, sleep and lie down while watching TV.
But when he was bedridden, i just cannot help myself from thinking "why would you complain now, when that was your life before, lie down while you watch TV" and that's what her wife told him actually.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
26 Jan 13
I hope he gets over this and all of you as well. We all have our moments like that. I think he should read inspiring books. If he won't read the bible, another inspiring book will do.
@Professor2010 (20162)
• India
29 Jan 13
I guess he feels neglected, at times i too feel like that though i know none neglet me, take proper care of me, but if there is slight delay in giving me any thing i ask for, i get upset, this might be due to my diabetes lol.
All that your FIL needs is more care, he is the same man dear Dina
@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
30 Jan 13
Or could it be professor, that he can finally feel being useless & bored just lying in his bed and can't get up without the aid of somebody.
I would talk to him lovingly, that her wife being old herself and told by the doctor to avoid carrying heavy things cannot make him get up, him being a big man. I also told him repeatedly that i too cannot help him get up anymore, because of my recent operation that prevented me from never lifting up anything heavy, the most is a 1 liter water only.
The other day when MIL complained of back pain, he was silent. He realized her wife really cannot help in getting him up already.
So, it should be the caregiver only , or my husband in the morning before going to work and at night after arriving from work, who can help him get up.
That made him realize our situations. 
@xtedaxcvg (3189)
• Philippines
25 Jan 13
I guess when you've been in charge almost all your life, and this kind of thing happens to you, you'd eventually break down. I guess he's still adjusting to this way of life. Give him time and your support. He'll eventually come around.
@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
25 Jan 13
Well, he would sometimes suddenly have an immediate cry even when he was still well. He was like that already since he had his stroke when he was just 43 years old.
But last Sunday, he really cried uncontrollably, and i have to talk to him lovingly, that when my MIL would sometimes joke on him and he gets angry, it was to make him happy. But he said HAPPY ? and cried , implying that he isn't happy being joked around.
So my MIL just laughed out loud and so are we. But when he didn't stop crying, we just kept on eating, until he stopped and ate.
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
25 Jan 13
Maybe because he's not the same energetic man that he used to be.
Or maybe because he has come to any realization of his shortcomings/mistakes and maybe wrongdoings (as you have stated his authoritative behavior).
@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
26 Jan 13
I really hope he already realized his shortcomings. But it seems it's not because he would always get angry immediately to my MIL who would sponge bathe him every night. He would get angry at her, and i will come to rescue my MIL. I would tell him, "Your wife has been very patient with him by taking care of him, even if there is a caregiver around, yet why would you shout at her like that?"
I really hope he will realize his shortcomings one day and turn to reading the bible, instead of watching the TV, as we kept prodding him to, but to no avail.
So maybe now, he is realizing that he is not the same authoritative man anymore, and he needs our help.
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
26 Jan 13
Hello SImplyD, It maybe part of getting old to be self pitying, but at least he should appreciate the things he still has. he should find a way one day to realize how much people love him. i think when we all grow old past 50 or 60 we would have this phase specially if we are not able to function that much. 
hope for your FIL to see what's been missing and realized how blessed he is. have a nice day
hope for your FIL to see what's been missing and realized how blessed he is. have a nice day@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
26 Jan 13
Yes, i agree that part of it is the getting old stage. But i think, what he pities most about himself now, is that he was once authoritative, but now he can't be anymore.
So maybe it's about time that he changes his authoritative attitude specially on the way he speaks. But it seems, he's still the same so he has a hard time accepting his new reality to himself, thus the self pity.
@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
26 Jan 13
Yes, i guess that's how he feels. He is a demanding person, so sometimes we really have to be adamant that we cannot do what he wants us to do.
Sometimes, he would threaten that he would get down from his bed and walk. And we would dare him, telling him that if he do so, he really won't be able to walk again anymore if ever he falls. And he would stop.
Sometimes we have to do reverse psychology to him, since he is a bit deteriorated in mind already.
