rant (1)

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Hi guy(s)/(or) myself, just a little self introduction about myself. My name is James, and I feel that life is pretty tough nowadays. I can't find any relevant topics to speak my mind, so I decided to do it here. I believe eventually someone would drop by and read my story. A few things has been bothering me for awhile, it has prevented me from sleeping well, so I wake up in the morning feeling pretty much depressed. But of course I wouldn't want my friends to see me in such a state, no one really knows what the heck is going on in my mind. All they saw in me was a happy, carefree, out going and a joker, whatever. I hate to be called a joker, all I wanted was to cheer them up when we are down. I don't like the idea of being a joke. That's not exactly the point though, my main concerns are actually bigger problems, and that lies with my family ties, relationships, my walk with God. I haven't got the time to pen down much, but I guess I'll just do it whenever I find the time to. my first concern, family ties; I live with my elder brother and my parents in a apartment, good enough for all of us. My parents are of average income, but everything is pretty much alright. The only problem is, I feel extremely awkward to open up to them, probably because of the things that happened in the past. We used to quarrel a lot, our thinking, mindsets are not the same. What ever things that I do, they will have something negative to do, or like " That's not how you do it!" It can't be that I'm doing every damn thing wrong. Well, right now, its just so difficult to even start a conversation, all we've said to each other a day is like; "Have you had dinner, son?" "Yes ma" ...and that about it, the rest of the day, we don't even see each other's faces even though we live in the same house. I feel as if like I'm living in a hotel instead. I am not sure how long is this going to be, or would the situation ever improve, it has been going on for years now. My parents are not really young anymore, I am afraid I might even lose them before I ever actually tried to improve and be comfortable around them. As for my brother, things are a little better, but we don't talk too much either. It sucks as I feel quite alone sometimes, but I can't bring myself to open up. Maybe its my pride? or maybe its just inertia or something, my brain is in a wreck right now, I can't think of a solution, my mind's just blank. I hope through all these self reflection, I would be able to find an answer, or at least refer back to what I've been ranting about. Maybe it'll help.. just maybe..