Dear men: how big is your ego?

It is just that we men are not verbal in communication for the most part. Action is the faith we have in you and the faithfulness we maintain for a marriage to survive for a lifetime. Being demonstrative has somehow escaped the male psyche, perhaps because of the nature of culture which demanded the male go out and earn for the family, for eons. The situation has changed now, I agree, but it will take sometime for change of psyche. As of now, "sensitivity", which is the precursor to being demonstrative, is not exactly in the male domain. It, in these times of liberation, may as well raise questions about "preferences". By "go back", I mean being faithful, the very foundation of a fulfilling marriage. My reference to the constitution was in the lighter vein, as you may have inferred by now. Independence for a male is sacrosanct. Nothing personal here, it has been so for ages. By "different", I mean, being stoic in pain, being there for family without drawing attention, taking charge in times of need and many more ways of behaving. I do get the point you are making, I have had many such "discussions" with my wife in the thirty odd years of marriage. What I am trying to say is that nature has made two genders, broadly. Each with biological and behavioral uniqueness. This uniqueness is the diversity that makes a relationship.

So understanding stands above all? Or is it compromise? How do you overcome the boredom during the relationship? But first I have to ask, during the thirty years of marriage (which is not odd, my parents are married for 36 years now) have you ever felt bored with your wife? Even just once. And if you have, what did you do? If you haven't, what did your wife do so that you're not bored of her? I'm not trying to imitate anything, I'm collecting data and knowledge.

But if you are communicative, why do you have to hold your silence as long as possible? It's not about says it all, it's about does it all. That's my point. I don't ask for words, I ask for action. Is that too much? What do you mean "go back"? You mean "go home"? Because "go back" seems to me that you often separate for some time and go back again. I don't mean to talk about the constitution or country. I mean for the relationship itself. Between one man and one woman. That small circle only. And what is this different way? That's what I want to learn. I might find one that matches my guy. And what is the thing I do? Showing the love for the person we love? Then why won't I like it? Do you get the point of my discussion? I want to learn to understand, I don't want to stand against the man's character. That's my point. Why is it become the praise of the nature for diversity?

My man is the type of quiet man. So can you imagine how hard for me to understand what he wants? And ask him to act? We have to argue first.

Uughh...I often ask what's the matter and even give time. Sometimes it even takes a day until everything cools down and then we can talk. But yes, patience. That's something I have to work out a lot. Do books really help?

Arguing will not help the situation. So it is important to keep a cool head. There are people who are very quiet so you need to talk and ask them specific questions so they will answer. Like if you ask, "What's the matter?" The question is too general and quiet people may not want to talk at length. So, small and specific questions might help. Also, when you are patient and you wait for him to say something or you can state that he talk to you when he is ready, there's higher possibility he will talk. Like kitty said, you might find relationship books useful for this.

Hi there, Alvaro. Thank you for sharing but don't you think this kind of girl is like one in a million? Like me, for example, if my man wants the same girl as you do, I think I can fulfill all of them except the "attractive" part. I don't know, somehow that is difficult to do. I can attract men using my brain. But that's just it. However, of course there's always someone who can fulfill those. The "understanding" part is just the same, though. All people want others to understand them. Right?

But I have just read your response that we women must get the same thing what we give to men. Books don't really help since they have more theories than reality. People like you, on the other hand, have done more than just theory. But look, since you're also a woman, is it wrong if I demand attention from my man? I mean, the same attention I gave to him. We live in different cities and both of us are busy. But I still have time to text him or even think about him. But he doesn't seem to do the same. If I protest him, he would do what I want, but then when everything seems fine, he's back to his daily behavior. So do I demand too much? What should I do? I know you would tell me straight on my face the truth. So tell me, please. This is what I don't understand.

Omg...what you said is so difficult to be done! Don't try to understand? How come? So what do you usually do when there's a problem between you two? Or do you compromise everything? Like "this is what I like, back off. That is what you like, do it"?

For me, what you said seems so easy to imagine but so hard to do. He says he likes me. But do you think it's enough? I mean, what about your opinion? Do you think saying "the most important thing is I love you and care about you" is enough? When you say it is enough, then I might want to be more patient. Do you think I demand too much?

Couldn't resist responding to this. I think what you are feeling is natural piggy. If a partner says that it's as if he is not trying to get better or change because he is already satisfied with what he is doing and you don't find it satisfying. I'd be annoyed if my boyfriend said that to me and not do anything else. So maybe you can try and suggest some things he can do for you, sometimes, men just need our guidance in order to learn how to make us happy. We can't just sit there, wait and see, we have to act our part as well. If we want things done, we got to take action.

I have done a small thing actually. I stay quiet. I told him that I'd turn my phone off if he thought I disturbed him so much and he said "don't, please". But I still did. And the next day (which was yesterday), he was the one who started the communication. I only replied. I kept silent if he didn't say anything. And it happens until today, and I'm still going to do it tomorrow. See, what I learned here is that he actually can't stay from me, all I need is just giving him a little space and a chance to miss me. Do you think I've done something good?

Wow! The last sentence finally makes me feel better. You're right. My dad never tells my mom he loves her and they have been married for almost 36 years! But he indeed does everything my mom wants him to do. But even so, my mom has to seek for the perfect time to ask him to do so. So wow...relationship is really an amazing thing that needs a lifetime learning. Am I correct?

Well, I know I have to admit that even we, women, are not perfect creature. We aren't angels. Some of us really nice, some of us really jerk. Just like you said, we're different. But to me, I want to learn from this diversity of characters. And I agree with what you said, this isn't about man or woman actually, but about the person. Geez...we're full of mysteries, aren't we?