My sister and I are planning to move out 2 months from now
By knicnax
@knicnax (2233)
Philippines
February 19, 2013 2:45am CST
this is a seriously long post, sorry...
This may seem weird to most people who are not familiar with the Filipino culture.
In the Philippines, families stick together. Even after a child graduates and starts working, he/she still stays at his/her parents house. The parents don't mind at all, and they expect the child to help in the expenses.
I've been working for 3 years now, my sister for 2 years.
With my current salary, I can live meagerly on my own, but I decided to just give my mum a bigger cut from my salary and stayed at home. Everything I need is at our house and life is pretty awesome for someone as lazy as me. (I'm not lazy when it comes to work, but when I'm at home, I bum around). We have house angels (house maids) and my mum cooks really good meals! So life is really sweet at home.
Last weekend my sister and my mum got into an ugly fight. My mom, being the crazy and controlling mother that she is (mind you, most mothers are like that, I just believe that my mum has an extra nut loose), argued with my sister.
The issue was she was not able to attend the mass on time. We usually attend the mass as a family. She had a date with her boyfriend, and they went somewhere with their friends (it's her boyfriend's birthday). She and my mum had an argument the night before (my sister was asking if she can just attend the mass on sunday instead of with the family on saturday-anticipated). So, my sister tried her best to come on time, but she was terribly late (I was late too, and was scolded, but most of my mum's anger was towards my sister since they already argued about this the night before). My mum kept saying that my sister was challenging her and really intended to come in late. My sister said she tried her best to be on time but she can't control everything, like when and how long a jeepney would stop and wait for passengers. My mum not wanting to be defeated (she has a serious ego problem) said that my sister controlled the jeepney.
Being the eldest, I guess I'm too protective of my siblings, when my mom hit my sister out of anger I shouted for her to stop. This fueled my mum's rage more and said "Bakit wala na ba akong karapatan magalit?" (Why, don't I have the right to be angry?). She kept on yapping and my sister kept on defending herself, which further enrages my mum.
I told my sister to stop because she will never win against my mom (a line that my papa always say when I fight with my mom). This statement made my mom even crazier and then she shouted at us: "Bakit? Dapat kayo manalo? dapat kayo huling salita?" (Why? Is it supposed to be you who should win [this argument]? Are you supposed to be the one who says the last statement [in this argument]?). (I told you she has a serious ego problems. All fights always have that line).
My mom also said "As long as you live in our house you abide by our rules".
To which my sister replied: "Sorry kung sainyo pa ako nakatira. Sorry kung di ko pa kaya sa sarili ko. Bigyan nyo kong dalang buwan, aalis na ako" (Sorry if I'm still living with you. Sorry if I still can't make it on my own. Give me 2 months, I'll leave).
This statement made my mom go wild, literally. she was shouting (no words, just shouting), she grabbed the head rest of the drivers seat (yes we were in the car, parked in the supermarket while my papa was inside buying icecream), started shaking, looking like a really crazy woman, then she opened the door and ran away.
She went home at around 2am in the morning.
So anyway, that's the story, I just wanted to vent. This happened 3 nights ago.
Any thoughts?
1 person likes this
7 responses
@Raine38 (12391)
• United States
20 Feb 13
When I turned 25, I told my parents I want to move out. And not only out but I also moved to another country having landed a job in Dubai. My mom isn't that bad as your mom but she also starts to get into my nerves. And I told myself, it is better that I am far from them, loving and respecting them from afar than for all of us together and hating each other.
I figure you two are no longer minors, so I think that you can both fend for yourself. While I am not really encouraging you two to move out, you must consider a lot of factors before you make a decision. Look at your personal finances, your housekeeping skills, your independence and your sense of responsibility since you are the older sister. And most of all, never make a decision when you are angry. Let everyone calm down first, let the dust settle. Once you have a clear view of everything, make your decision. Talk to your parents about it. That's the mature adult way of doing it.
2 people like this
@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
20 Feb 13
You totally know how I'm feeling. Loving and respecting them at a distance! I love it!
I don't want to go to another country though. I know I'll miss them, even my crazy mum. We're a very tight-knit family and we enjoy doing things together (as long as my mum can keep her control-freakishness at bay).
The biggest setback for us would be our housekeeping skills. Since we practically grew up not doing any chore, we grumble (secretly) when they ask us to do the dishes or to set the table. She always comments that we're of no use at home, I always wanted to answer back that it's because of the way they brought us up, but I know it's way below the belt.
Talking is the mature thing to do, if we're not dealing with someone like my mum. When you say something that she doesn't like she's in automatic defense and crazy mode
@marguicha (223720)
• Chile
20 Feb 13
I think that you did what you could to stay at your parent`s home. And there is a time in life when, however hard, it is time to move. I hope you do alright. You are right, I don`t know about Filipino culture. But anyway, I think that your mother was abusive. And noone can stant abuse forever. Time will come when you will be able to visit your parents and give them gifts.
@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
20 Feb 13
I hope so too. She is abusive not physically though. Oh how much hurt and anger I have bottled up inside me.. .
My sister and my mum still aren't talking. I hugged and told my mum I love her the day after we fought. It's difficult to stay mad at her because I know she loves us dearly, she's just a bit crazy and very hard to live with.
Moving out is hard but my sister and I are really excited. I told myself back in high school (back when I told myself I'll enjoy being single forever because it's fun and I don't want to have kids) that I will move out before I turn 25. But now I'm thinking of settling down and I thought I'd just leave our house when I get married.
I guess my high school self-promise is about to come true
@dorisday1971 (5657)
• Philippines
20 Feb 13
That was not a good fight. Maybe you all have to cool down for a moment. If you would leave soon, for sure, your mom will be terribly mad at you and your sister. Better give her time to mellow down and then go on your own. This is not the best time to move out yet. You will be creating more trouble to your mom.
1 person likes this
@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
22 Feb 13
Yeah. it wasn't. I made up with my mum the morning after the fight, though I still want to move out. I don't know if my mum and my sister are in good terms now. Probably not. I know my mum. She will NEVER say sorry for a fuss that she created. I know my sister won't say sorry either, because she knows that she has a point and my mum hit her. She's fed up with how my mum does things.
The thing is, even if we wait 10 years before we move out, my mum won't mellow down. My sister already gave the threat of leaving. When we do it, she will always remember that and will most likely make a huge deal of us leaving. I don't think we can wait until we get married before we move out. We're not the type of girls who'll wait for our knights in shining armor.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
20 Feb 13
hi I can not really understand why grown up kids have to live with parents do not they not a house and f amilyh of their own?? Our culture is not like that. And we grow up and we get jobs, mnove into ou r own apartments as a fact of lie. I think two grown women under one roof do usually not agree. I think its time you and sister fouund an appartment of your own and share expenses.Sounds like your mom has and anger problem that she needs curbing She should not be hitting a grown child
like that.
like that.@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
20 Feb 13
It's culture here in the Philippines that you HAVE to stay at your parents house and help out financially
Actually, grown up kids who move out immediately are thought to be ingrates.
It's a common scenario here in the Philippines where the eldest child cannot marry because he/she has to help in financing for his/her siblings education.
When the eldest child has a partner and wants to marry, the family goes into panic because there will be a loss of income (because the eldest child doesn't want to live in their family home anymore).
Though this is not the case in our family. We're blessed enough to be able to live comfortably, and my father's income can still sustain the family's lifestyle.
@teotimoponcerosacena (1551)
• Philippines
20 Feb 13
You have a nice planned for the future but why not tell your parents everything about the planned with your sister. Don't make it big okay. I think your father can understand and I think your mother is sick also You are now at the right age to start for your own why not give a try.
@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
20 Feb 13
We will definitely give it a try.
Maybe we'll break the news to them once we've settled everything, and everything is final.
I am guessing a huge fight will ensue when we tell them that we're leaving, no matter how nicely we explain it, my mum will explode, maybe not on the spot but after a few hours/days.
Thanks for the encouragement
@jirojoyman (458)
• Indonesia
20 Feb 13
just be honest to yourself and to your parent's tell us the truth about what you feel. about the future what you want and about everything you want to achieve. i think by a good conversation and talk heart to heart. your parent's should know about everything you wanted.
1 person likes this
@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
20 Feb 13
Saying how we truly feel will just another huge fight. There's no point in saying what you feel because my mum dictates what we should feel and think. otherwise she would get angry.
Believe me, I've tried a couple of times and we ended up just fighting! Even a simple question that contradicts what she wants will spark a fight.
I remember waking up to a fight.. She woke me up so that I won't be late for work. When she woke me up, she commented that it was hot in mine and my sister's room. I told here "See, that's why I sleep in the living room". I didn't know why she got angry, but she reprimanded me after I took a bath. She didn't want me sleeping in the living room. She told me that I should just bring the living room's electric fan upstairs at night and bring it down when I wake up.
I told her that being the klutz that I am, I might break the fan or I might trip over while carrying it. Also, that my pillow and blanket are more mobile. She got so mad and ranted on that's not how I should live life (she went rambling on about life that I don't know how she connected to sleeping in the living room). I was still at a loss as to why I can't sleep in the living room. she never answered it. Gave another "Kailangan ikaw manalo? Kailangan ikaw huling salita" (Is it you who should win [this arument]? Is it you who should talk last?) litany, then back-fisted me (she was driving me to the gate and my other siblings to school).
And that's just asking why I can't sleep in the living room. I still don;t know why but my brother now sleeps in the living room. She even bought a foldable foam bed for him.
@greenthumb018 (595)
• Philippines
19 Feb 13
Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that. The simple subject went worse because of bad moods and misunderstandings. From a different person's point of view, your mom shouldn't have reacted that way. And your sister mustn't talk to your mother like that. You know the parent children culture here. Is your mom old that is why she's acting like that? I want to separate from home also and it took me years to convince them and still they have rules in my own home even if they are not around. I guess moms are just like that. Forever worried, always wins arguments... the list is endless.
But if you move out, maybe this will open your mom's mind when she's not seeing the both of you. Time heals all wounds and she will eventually know her faults, and your sister will also realize her faults. Sometimes we say things we do not mean when we're angry. Let's just hope that all will be well before this two months since you are not ready to move out yet.
1 person likes this
@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
20 Feb 13
We rarely talked back as kids. It just takes a toll on you when you get older. Discussions going seriously out of hand when the issue could have been resolved in 3-5 exchanges.
My mum isn't that old. she's only 53 and she's been this way for as long as I can remember... well, not really that bad when I was in elementary. Took for the worse when my youngest brother was born, around high school.
When I/we move out, no rule of theirs will apply in our home. Their rule that "as long as your living in our house" will end when I we stop living there. I can't wait!
We're not ready financially, but emotionally and mentally, this had been long overdue. Financial setbacks can easily be remedied.
