What is Wrong with me?
By echoforever
@echoforever (5180)
United States
February 20, 2013 10:49pm CST
I don't actually know if there is anything wrong with me. I'm sure some things are. I just can't think of a better title.
This summer My mom was diagnosed with a new kind of cancer and was told she may not live. Its been a roller coaster for her as well as me. I found out the worst parts of her cancer just from over hearing it most of the time. Well at the time I always thought this was better because it didn't shake my faith in God. I could always keep strong faith in God until those moments I happened to over hear the worst...
See during this time in the summer I had a very strong relationship with God. I would pray every day and the music I listened to would center me on that faith I had already built.
I am very proud of this: I came from a background of complete death metal and I made my way into complete Christian metal. This happened in a short, quick period. I have not listened to other metal since or almost any other music since, unless not by choice. It has been over a year!
Any way, Right now I'm feeling shaken because I am somewhat tired of the Christian metal I have right now which has become a way of centering me in my faith... my mom just got done with 10 rounds of radiation through out 10 weeks, 1 a week... I'm wanting to drink and I am drinking more often after I made my way away from that before as well...
I want to listen to my old metal I have in my stash and I don't think it will help ... my faith situation at all... I'm going in a spiral.
I hope someone can understand what I'm talking about here.
1 person likes this
12 responses
@vidhyaprakash_2 (7116)
• India
21 Feb 13
Sda to hear about your mother's stage. Mother is very important to everyone and it is really hard to deal with your situation. However you have a lot of faith, surely it will give more power to you. Be confident and never lose your hope.
1 person likes this
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
My faith got me through some of the worst of it.. suddenly I don't know I always seem to lose that hold on my faith. It fluctuates. Especially in the winter month. Its dumb of me to lose it now too because the winter is always so hard on me anyway. I don't fully lose hope but I just... lax.. far too much in my faith. I shouldn't do that at all. 
@gloryacam (5540)
• Philippines
22 Feb 13
Winter does have a depressing effect on some people. We don't have winter here, but the rainy days (like today) could be depressing, too. But, don't worry, Spring is just around the corner. Just hold on...
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
22 Feb 13
I am one of those types that does get more depressed for the winter months. I think if I lived somewhere it was .. nicer all the time it would be okay. For now I just need to get through the best I can, like you said.
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
21 Feb 13
I am sorry about your mom.
I know this may sound so common but this is sincere on my part. i still believe that what you are going through is a test, a test on how strong you will continue to believe in God, how strong your faith will be. I know not everyone here believes in God but on my part i do believe in him.
I have been into a lot of situation that is also hard, where my faith is shaken, where i thought my life will end or go down to the drain but still having that Faith helped me a lot.
I hope you will not go into drinking more my friend. 
1 person likes this
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
I agree and in some harder times of my faith I've come out usually better. So I hope this is the case as well. Without tempering we can't grow stronger, I suppose.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
21 Feb 13
So, you're confused and somewhat depressed and worried....have you considered talking to a friend about what you feel? I think it will help you a lot of there would be a person whom you can tell whatever you want to tell and just pour out all the emotions. I suggest that you just keep the faith and pray a lot.
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
Well I have almost no friends. I have two I talk to on messengers. One is no available lately cause she's going through a move. The other I talk to every day but sometimes its not possible to always express these deeper concerns. I have no friends outside the internet. That's why I love myLot. I'm pretty pathetic I guess but that's the way my life is. And its part of the reason I was so enthusiastic about God this summer. Well I still know God is there but now its harder to stay in a routine for Him with everything else I try to do earning online and keeping up with my nieces etc. So... basically that's where I am. I agree I should pray more. I need to.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
21 Feb 13
Well, you just need to have someone to talk to every now and then. It is different than sending text messages.
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
22 Feb 13
I do talk to my mom quite often but as the situation is right now, some things I don't talk too deeply with her not to get her too concerned for me.
@maurya83 (923)
• India
21 Feb 13
Dont know from where to start and how to say..as i understood from your posts you are a strong person. Time and conditions make people strong.Situations are really tough, i can understand, I want to share with you, i had have quite similar experience in my life when i lost my father, i left going temple, even i removed pictures (God's)from my house, saw the same condition of my mom also while she is a typical religious indian old lady, but now it has been 4 3 years and I started again going temple and doing prayers, mom started earlier than me..we learned and accepted the way of life-cycle..nothing wrong with you, it happens once in everyone's life when our belief and trust lost, we feel broken.. It may make you more strong or may break you depending on how you think and accept the things..I understand no pain and fear is bigger than of loosing someone you love most..
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
I'm glad you've come back to God after so long. I understand what you're saying sometimes its a "season" we go through. it can be a long one like yours and I have been through that too where I didn't speak to god either at all for al ong time. I am not quite at that point right now but just.. kind of frustrated in some ways..
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
21 Feb 13
Guess I understand what you feel. My mom is bed-ridden for years now. I always pray for her to be well and live a normal life again, but it's not yet happening. I almost lose my faith but then I realize, it's a test our our faith. We are tested through the patience of taking care of her and trusting Him, and she is tested through her faith and eagerness to stand up again. It's a test to our family relationship too.
Drinking won't take away your problems away. Yes, you might forget it for a while but then you'll wake up with a hang-over and your unresolved problem.
If you want to listen to your music, go ahead. But you must listen NOT BECAUSE you wanted to end your worries, rather, listen BECAUSE you wanted to feel the comfort of Christ's words. Listening doesn't give you the assurance that tomorrow will be fine, just let His words be your comfort and a constant reminder that He's still there in every day of your life.
1 person likes this
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
Thanks for your encouragement I appreciate that.
You're right it is a test of our faith. I haven't lost faith..
I just haven't been as advent about it as I was in prior months. Partly because I have nowhere to express that faith fully. Well its hard to explain. Either way you're correct about both parts. I should first seek God, not just through Music either.
@Nursefrai06 (2498)
• Penrith, Australia
21 Feb 13
My mom has cancer too but its not the major scary one. Its skin cancer. Sometimes when she takes her methotrexate, ummm well i feel really sorry for her, but it can't be helped, she has to take them otherwise the blotch on her skin gets bigger , what i didnt like about her was that she only told me about it last year when she's had it a few years before my brother was born. Hmm. Anyway, enough about me lol.
Its kinda cool that there is a thing like Christian metal, it sounds really cool. I'm Christian too but I'm not a hardcore Christian lol. But i can tell you to not falter, it must be a test. I've been told once that if something unlike able comes to your mind, if its something negative, its the demons way of swaying you and making you sin by pitying malice in your head. If something bad comes into your head, do not listen to it, it is difficult to do that, but its not a bad idea.
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
I am sorry to hear about your mother's situation as well Cancer in any form is hard to dea with... its so stressful. 
Well concerning thoughts my mind is usually mostly blank. I don't ty pically think either really horrible things or good things. Just kind of.. nothing.. I do know that since not listening to regular metal my attitude has changed a lot. This is also evident when I drink because I cause a lot less hell for people... 
Well concerning thoughts my mind is usually mostly blank. I don't ty pically think either really horrible things or good things. Just kind of.. nothing.. I do know that since not listening to regular metal my attitude has changed a lot. This is also evident when I drink because I cause a lot less hell for people... @Nursefrai06 (2498)
• Penrith, Australia
22 Feb 13
Hmm yeah, it is stressful, especially when she keeps on vomiting and she gets these major headaches. I used to give her really strong pain meds intravenously when she takes the meds, it really is so stressful. Such is life, so stressful.
You cause a lot less hell for people when you drink? Omg! That is so awesome, haha. Most people would be more like the other way around. That's kind of cool as i have to fight negative thoughts in my head a lot, i try not to listen but its always there. 
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
Thanks for the link and sentiments! They're appreciated.
1 person likes this
@gloryacam (5540)
• Philippines
21 Feb 13
I hope you get through this and come out still strong in your faith. I can relate to how you feel. 2012 was the roughest year of my life, the saddest part of it being my dad dying from an accident after he went on a mission. I guess until now I am still licking my wounds and still in the anger stage, and my faith has been totally shaken. I really miss my personal relationship with God, but I cannot get over the pain and anger I'm feeling. I know one day I will get through this and come out of it stronger in faith than before. And I hope that time comes soon.
I hope you could cope without having to drink. I wish you and your mom a better situation. I guess these are the times that we need to be stronger in faith all the more.
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
I'm sorry to hear about this that you've had to go through.
We should always call out to God in the hardest times of our life. I know i haven't done that either. It can be hard to do it I don't know why. Even though He is always there I know it... I just can't open up sometimes. Thank you and i hope you can also talk to God about your situation.
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
Yes I realise this is not going to last forever, I am just in a "season".. I've been through worse. Thank you sishy and the same for you and your loved ones.1 person likes this
@subhojit10 (7375)
• India
21 Feb 13
Thanks a ton for sharing this discussion. Well i can understand your situation dear and i feel bad for your mother's illness, all u need to do is stay firm and confident about a positive tomorrow, rather than blaming on anyone, keep your faith and hopes high. Always have this belief that whatever happens, happens for the good. So just relax and wait for the right moment to come.
What say?
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
That's what the bible says any way - that everything works out for the good of those who love Him.
Well, I love Him. So, I am hoping.
@Mavic123456 (21893)
• Thailand
21 Feb 13
there is nothing wrong with you... sometimes it is just like that... but eventually it will be like that... and then... I am just wasting your time because actually never been fanatic to neither metal or Christian songs.
You need inspiration and motivation maybe... God understands.
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
Well yes those both do inspire me quite a bit. They keep me grounded sometimes in who I am...
@cmania (207)
• Portugal
21 Feb 13
Hey I´ve been helping my mother since I was little with her thing and i stll need it now and I know the feeling of having faith it´s a way to become stronger somehow but unlike you I´ve tought to the conclusion that having faith in only one thing wont do nothing...it wont make the faith stronger or you stronger. You should have faith in your mother and in yourself. You´re by herside you need to be strong to hekp you and your mom.
Drink is good but if it´s not controlled it will not help your faith or you and everything will just gets to zero.
I´m happy that christian metal has helped you somehow and I think there´s no bad in listening to the other emtal kind as you did or other new , you shouldn´t fear change in that way.
I understand you faith in god is important to you but I would not bet in one thing when it comes to this it´s to riski and it can lead to something bad.
I know you´ll get stronger and you will do changes or not as you wish and your mom will have you at her side but it iwll be even better and greater
@echoforever (5180)
• United States
21 Feb 13
Well faith alone is not good but if we act on that faith we do good. Faith in myself and my mother is good too but without faith in God I think its wasted... somewhat..
I'm glad you're there for your mom too and I'm sure she appreciates that you have been.
