Have you realized that you need to put yourself first?
By Dominique25
@Dominique25 (9464)
United States
February 25, 2013 9:04am CST
Have you ever reached a point in your life where you realized that you need to start putting yourself, and your children first? Whether you were just dating someone or if you were married? I have for the longest time hoped that my husband would some day come to appreciate all that I do and to help out or show appreciation in some way. I though don't feel that he will ever change in that way. So now I feel it is up to me to decide what I will do about this. I really want to get out of this relationship so badly.
I feel that I would have more self esteem and respect for myself and would only have to take care of my daughter. I'm tired of taking care of a grown man who expects everything but gives nothing. And he will never understand all that I have done and do unless I'm out of his life. It is sad that individuals have to experience things like this before they understand what really happen. I just want to be out of this relationship and support myself and my daughter.
3 people like this
33 responses
@mythociate (21432)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
25 Feb 13
Part of me agrees with you---you should be more-appreciated and your guy should see that the wonderful treasures you bestow upon him would be more-wonderful & more-abundant if he showed more appreciation.
The other part of me is ashamed to know you and HOPES you leave him, because you do not give glory to G*d. If you did it all for the glory of G*d, then you would either 'grin & bear it' for your guy (giving him the power to give G*d more glory), or you would go ahead & leave him in order to see that more glory goes to G*d.
What all does your guy do? (Both his job, and the reason you married him AND the way he behaves that makes you wanna leave him)
2 people like this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
2 Mar 13
First off I have given plenty of Glory to God by trying to make my relationship work. Second the part about leaving him in order to see more glory goes to God doesn't make sense. My husband has completed changed in many ways. Yes he works but that doesn't make up for all of the things he doesn't do because I also work. But if i were to stop cleaning, stop working, not cook, etc he would have a fit.Working is pretty much all he does which is only forty hours a week and then he spends the rest of his time doing only what he wants because I do everything else.
@mythociate (21432)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3 Mar 13
Perhaps you spout the same company-line most Christians do---somethin` like "Say 'G*d did it' an` G*d gets all the glory," but no. When I say 'Give glory to G*d,' I mean "manifest good fruits from the bounty He gives you."
Are there 'good fruits' you cannot manifest because you're busy doing things your man should take care of? Can you just 'not do' some of that work & tell him to do it while you go on with whatever you wanted to do instead?
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Mar 13
I'm sure there are perhaps "good fruits" that I cannot manifest because I'm doing so much. He doesn't even take out the trash. If I were to say something or stop doing things he would not do it at all and just complain that this or that needs done. Which would just create more tension in the relationship because he would just say "your not being submissive." I'm starting a college course so maybe he will start helping out or things will just get done less often. I can view this as doing something for myself.
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
25 Feb 13
Hi!
It is a sorry state of affairs that your hubby does not show any concern about you, while you take care of him consistently.
I think before taking any drastic decision, you need to talk to him and confront him about your grievance. You could warn him that if does not change he should be prepared for the worst and then he would not get any chance to mend.
All the best.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I really do appreciate it. I will continue to talk with him about my thoughts and feelings. In the mean time I will work hard at saving any extra money I may earn as well as working hard to spend more time with my daughter. I will also warn him about what will happen to our relationship if things do not change.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
3 Mar 13
Sweety, many, many women do not put themselves first. Some lose all self esteem and become loveless. Sadly, this is the person their children take after.
Some women who do not put themselves first do not have to because their husband does that. He appreciates her, loves her, respects her. He helps her around the house, he encourages her and their children learn the right way a family should be.
I stayed in a violent situation that was also similar to yours. I allowed my husband to abuse me, treat me like dirt and walk over me and take advantage of my loving, good nature.
I did leave eventually but it was too late. My self esteem was in shreds and even though I am intelligent, capable and good, I have been unable to form a loving relationship with anyone. My 2 daughters are the same. At some level there is sadness and emptiness and it will never go away.
Please see that there will be consequences of your actions or inactions. Please save yourself whichever way you can and which you think is best.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
5 Mar 13
Please don't hesitate. Concentrate on finding opportunities, no matter how small, to make a new life for you and your daughter. It WILL happen. Be alert and open to those opportunities. Be certain that it WILL happen. Focus on these thoughts because NOT ONLY WILL they give you strength and happiness but these thoughts will also bring you closer to your goal. Your happiness will also piss your husband off.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
5 Mar 13
Thanks so much for sharing this with me. I really appreciate it. That is what my husband doesn't seem to get. When a relationship thrives and both partners are treating each other with love and respect it does so much for the family. I at times just can not comprehend why a person does not show love and respect to the person who raises their children, who cooks, cleans, and takes care of the household. I mean ?why? would a man want to treat that person bad. It just doesn't make any sense to me. And he just continues to be in denial about how I feel. He always makes comments like I will never leave him or that I don't know what treating a person bad is really like,etc.
Yeah I don't want my daughter to grow up without self esteem or having a hard time with relationships. I will work very hard to save myself and to make decisions that reflect on what is best for my own self esteem and that will help me to feel better about my life.
I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been able to find a loving relationship. I hope that if I make it out of this relationship I will at least feel confident to support myself and my daughter.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm working to have a bigger savings set aside for myself and my daughter. As well as I recently enrolled in a refresher course for college. I hope to be able to start taking classes full time in the summer or fall months. I would like to get my degree and that will allow me a better position to be able to support myself. It will feel good being happy and knowing that I have accomplished what I set out to do as well as show my husband that I can succeed on my own.
1 person likes this
@pals101 (2010)
• Philippines
26 Feb 13
Yeah, I do feel what you feel right now.. the feeling of not being able to express what you truly feel, how you long for their care and their understanding. It's always me who understands them, I always have to make them happy but deep inside they don't know I am not happy. They don't care about it. They are so selfish.. i hate those type of feeling, they don't care others feelings..
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
Yes you understand exactly how I feel. It is very hard to deal with these things when others do not appreciate what we do. It really does feel discouraging. We can start to lose our self respect if we are not careful. I hope that in time I will be able to build myself up about these things and to be able to spend more time with my daughter.
@allknowing (137962)
• India
26 Feb 13
There is no point in asking you now whether you did not know about this before you said 'I do' and so many other questions to which you may have answers but it would be too late now.
Please do what you think is the best for you and your kid, under the circumstances.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (137962)
• India
7 Mar 13
I sometimes wonder why these people pretend to be nice and show their true colours once a commitment is made. I know this is hard on you. I hope whatever you do now will be the best for you.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
I will work to do what is best for me and my daughter. But to answer your question if I had saw any signs of this earlier I would have made a different decision. Earlier when we were courting my husband showed that he cared for me and he displayed qualities that were self sacrificing. Over time though he started to become involved only with what he wanted-to be selfish but this was after we were married. So unfortunately now I have to make some very hard decisions.
@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
26 Feb 13
I am sorry to hear that about your husband Dominique.
I think, when your husband isn't helping you in any way, maybe you should separate yourself and your child from him. Provided of course that you can make it on your own. Because if he somehow helps in the finances , then it is something to consider if you can't stand on your own.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Apr 13
Yes I agree with you. It is taking time. But I'm definitely working on it. Right now I'm still working part time and I'm taking a college course. I hope to be able to go to college and get a degree in a field I enjoy.
@dainy1313 (2370)
• Leon, Mexico
25 Feb 13
Hello Dominique, I hope that you are fine. I know what you are talking about. I went through this 6 years ago. I was just home keeper, and I got sick to reach hospital. Until that day I began thinking more about me. I began exercising, I opened an online eshop, and I hired a house helper.
I lost 7 pounds and my hubbie began looking to me again as when I was single. It´s kind of survival challenge.
I´m sure you´ll get what you want, and maybe your hubbie will fall inlove again.
Good luck! Blessings Dominique...dainy
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
2 Mar 13
Thanks I really appreciate that. I'm glad to hear that your husband started paying attention to you more when you began to start thinking of yourself more. It is very hard to balance everything especially when we have a lot of family responsibility. I agree it does become a survival challenge I hope that I can get through this.
1 person likes this
@ifa225 (14460)
• Indonesia
27 Feb 13
Sometimes I am tired to put my kids and hubby in a first line
when i feel that way, I give my self privilege to do anything that I want
if i push my self in serving them first, I just want to end the relationship and leave the house
I guess you need time for yourself and pamper
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
5 Mar 13
I agree with you. I do feel that I need time for myself. I think that marriage should be a partnership where both individuals work to refresh one another by giving each other time that they need for themselves. It is sad that many times only one person ends up giving all the time.
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
5 Mar 13
I think if that is a results of a relationship. Better to give up things on that man and consider your daughter. It's not bad to have another man into your life after your partner leave you alone. But it's a bad thing to denied your daughter because of such kind of man. Love should not be broken something we posses but kept someone to take care off.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
5 Mar 13
Yes I agree with you. I think that it would be a good idea and a better thing for me to just focus on my daughter and myself. This relationship has so many issues that he just isn't willing to address. And I think it would be a good thing in the future to perhaps be open to the idea of a new relationship a relationship that thrives on giving instead of always taking.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
7 Mar 13
I haven't entirely reached that point in my life, but it is quickly becoming something that I'm getting really close to and there are definitely times that I do consider leaving my husband because of some of the crap that he has put me through in the last couple of years.
I mean for the most part I do put my children first. However, when it comes to me I am usually the one that is at the bottom of the barrel. Meaning I won't get myself things that I need and I also put up with the verbal and sometimes physical abuse that my husband puts me through. Why? Because I don't want my children to have to grow up with a broken family.
I'm getting stronger every day though and I might eventually be able to do what I think I'm going to have to do.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
Yes I understand what you mean. I have recently been reading this book about divorce and it has helped me a great deal that I'm thinking about buying in it so that I can write comments in it so that when my daughter gets older she will at least be able to understand how I felt about my marriage. The book is entitled "The courage to be a single mother, becoming whole again after a divorce." I really can relate to this one and I encourage anyone who is considering separation or divorce to read it. I hope that things will improve for you but if they don't I hope that you will be able to do what you have to in order to take care of yourself and your children.
@natliegleb (5175)
• India
7 Mar 13
Always not only once or if you get hurt in a relationship badly and if everyone knows how to take care of themselves,they are up and ready and deciding to take challenges in relationship to the next cater always
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
8 Mar 13
Yes it is very difficult to continue to cater to others when we are hurt a lot throughout the relationship. I'm glad that I'm doing better about putting my needs first. I guess I now realize that if I don't do it then no one is. So I'm proud of myself for this. I have recently enrolled in a refresher course for college and I will be in that until the end of May. Then hopefully in the summer or fall I can start a full time college schedule.
@meumeu25 (917)
• United Arab Emirates
27 Feb 13
I just realize that I have to put myself first, because I am the one who's doing all the things to help and give. And I know it's so annoying, frustrating and sad at the same, when we are not appreciated. Especially when we are dealing with someone whom we love, there are times that I just want to run and stay away from that person, so I can do whatever I want without thinking about him or her. But then if those people are family members (blood related). I guess we can't just really run away from them, can we? Maybe we can keep our distance until we feel better.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
5 Mar 13
Yeah I do feel really bad not being appreciated. Especially when we feel that this has been happening for a long time. I'm working on ways to show appreciation for myself. I'm working to save extra earnings that I make so that I will be able to do things that I enjoy. I even have to put a great deal of effort forward to stop spending so much money on my husband. Since he doesn't ever buy me gifts I have to stop buying him things so much which is hard because I'm a very kind person and I enjoy giving others gifts.
@donatello123 (326)
• Philippines
26 Feb 13
I'm sorry to hear about your story. Well, I guess the best thing to do if you feel that your relationship with your husband is really deteriorating and you feel like you don't love him anymore is to confront him and tell him everything that you feel. If you can still fix the relationship then try to, for the sake of your daughter. If you really decide to break up with him, then do it. But I hope you'll remain friends. It is hard for your daughter to see that her parents are not in good terms.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
26 Feb 13
Thanks I appreciate your thoughts.I have been trying to work on our relationship for a few years now. The problem has been that my husband does not want to do his part. But I will keep talking with him and we can see what we want to do.We are not an argumentative couple who yell and scream or anything like that. Yet, we have issues like the ones I mentioned in the post. We do want to remain friends if we do separate and that will be good for our daughter.
@mkrijos_reds (20)
• Philippines
26 Feb 13
MARRIAGE is sacred, binding two people in love and became ONE, in the presence of the Lord. One has to respect and trust one another; one that has the seed of LOVE in their heart to have what we call a family. You choose your mate before you choose to have your family, how lovely those moments that your dearly love each other. the responsibility of a woman is to take care of the man and his family and the MAN to provide the means to raise his family. NOW, if family was raise, everyone should put in center the spirit of God , be united as one family, respect one another and trust what they are worth. If you follow what Jesus does for our salvation, and to Yahweh ,his only son to bear this suffering , what about the human he created, what does he do for his salvation. We care about ourselves, why dont we care for others...have you heard what love means... LOVE is the will for the good of others and it is a prayer away from your hope. Ask God's forgiveness and discernment to keep your family united with love, respect and trust. When you want to serve, be the last and God will return the favor. Hope you think first, the consequence and what kind of family you want to show to God.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30183)
• Philippines
8 Mar 13
I agree with this, Dominique. Even the strongest people and the most religious parents would even go through tough times such as this. The important is that you know that you have respect for yourself and that you acknowledge that either of you has committed a mistake and accept that. working out your differences wiht your husband may mean separating with him for a time - so he can realize that you and his daughter is worth everything to him, that if you are not with him, that he needs you. Because at this time, based on what you said it seemed that he has neglected you and your daughter.
This should not be the case in families that only the mother would remain to think of the welfare of the whole family members, it should be both the parents and the children working together.
I will continue to pray for you and for your safety and health. I hope you are going to do well in the coming days. =) have a wonderful day!
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do agree that it is important to do our best to have a good family. Yet not every family stays together even individuals who love and serve God at times may get separated or go through a divorce. Making decisions like these aren't easy and those who have to make these decisions do give a lot of time and thought about it.
@KrauseHome (36447)
• United States
26 Feb 13
Unfortunately there are a lot of men and relationships that are like that. It would be nice if more could be more work together and always be happy. It might be time for you to look things over and decide for yourself what is best from here. Maybe even consider marriage counseling first if you think it would help. But if not, might be time to move on for the sake of yourself and the kids.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
Thanks. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Yeah we have tried the counseling but it just doesn't work because things do not change. I will though continue to work hard to support myself and my daughter. I know it would be best if I could take care of just the two of us.
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
26 Feb 13
I realized I was actually my own worst enemy, by putting others first and their needs before my own I was actually becoming a doormat, I was seen as passive, easy prey for bullies and ex's. I became dependent on them and living for them instead of living for myself. It took me a long time to realize that my needs have to come first, through guidance through counseling I was able to start putting myself first and attending to my needs, learning to say no came difficult at first, but now I am more dependent, on myself and I concentrate on me and no one else.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
5 Mar 13
I'm so proud of you . That is a great thing. I agree that it is very hard thing to learn to say no but I'm working on it. For the longest time I have focused only on what my husband wants, what he wants to do, and when it comes to me he has always made stupid comments like "you have no interests that's why I don't offer to watch our daughter." He has basically shown that he doesn't care about anything I want to do and over the last two years he hasn't taken any steps to find out the things I want.
He tries to control who I spend time with although he is able to spend time with certain individuals who are only around when they want something although my friends aren't like that.
@jonastabuena (2307)
• Philippines
26 Feb 13
yes, i'm 35 years old already and still single, i just learned to my self first a year ago, at first i always think of other people, specially my partner that i give most of time, effort and money, but i the end we just broke up, and i'm doing this kind of treatment to my partner, but same outcome, always we end up to broke up, i don't the reason behind, but anyway now i was able to handle such relationship, and i don't give more time to my partner just fair enough time.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
Yes I understand what you mean. We have to be balanced in our giving with others. Otherwise we will end up just giving and many times it will not be returned. It will be us doing all the giving. Which I have come to see is the case in my marriage. So now I have to work hard to do more for myself than I do for my husband.
@gtdonna (1738)
•
26 Feb 13
Yes it takes a while to get to that point, but then there comes a time when you have to do what you have to do for yourself and your children. Human relationship is a funny thing, but er have to think and live for our sanity and not think with our emotions about the ties and attachments we have to others.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
5 Mar 13
Yes you make a good point. It is important that we think and live for our sanity otherwise we can completely lose our own identity and forget what we really want. I'm working to do better about this. To focus on my daughter and myself. And I hope that in time I will be able to feel better about my life again.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
Thanks. I have done all of those things countless times and things do not change from my husband's side. I continue to work on improving myself and yet he doesn't make any efforts to change. So I will take small steps to reach my goal over time.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
7 Mar 13
Yeah it will take time before I make any big decisions. I have to make sure that my daughter and I will be alright. So that involves having a good savings. I have tried talking with my husband for a few years now about my feelings but nothing seems to change. So I would rather just take care of my daughter and myself than have to take care of a person who is unappreciative and who only thinks of himself.