My friend finally did it....but I don't think it'll last.......
By trisha27
@trisha27 (3494)
United States
March 1, 2013 7:35pm CST
Why do some women just continuously let men take advantage of them? Well, awhile back I had started a discussion, about my friend being with this guy and and she wanted to marry him already but he stated that he just isn't ready for marriage and he's just not getting a job.
Basically I got a good break down of what has been really going on around her house. Basically he's been claiming that he will go out and find a job, but according to her, he just really didn't seem to be getting out there and looking for a job. He was supposed to be going to school and stuff, but instead he's just been lying around the house doing nothing. This man has 5 children, and he ask her to pay for the needs of his children. Okay I'm sorry but first of all, what right man would ask a woman to pay for the needs of children by his woman who is working and stuff and has children of her own to feed and care for. Why would he ask her to spend her money on his children. When she didn't lie down and make a baby with him. He had those children with his ex. I don't understand my friend sometime. But anyways, she basically got to the point were she threw him out of the house. She was tired of him using her and basically how she explained it, he was using her. So she threw him out and they are no longer together.
My husband was in the room when she was talking to me about it and basically he asked her so what will you do if he comes by one day with a ring and claiming that he got a job and he is finally ready to settle down. Will she take him back. She got quiet and didn't respond, basically that was just a yes. This guy can't keep a job for nothing, so he would do that just to get back in and be with her and then he most likely he will lose his job and she will be back at square one. I have a strong feeling if he came around saying that then she would take him back and once again he will be back to using her again. What do you guys think on this situation.
4 people like this
13 responses
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
2 Mar 13
She will give in. There is a historical aspect to this. Back in Africa, unlike in Europe where men were expected to put their nose to the grindstone. before coming to America -albeit unwillingly- the Negro situation was that the women did all the work while the men went out hunting, etc. and there were only a few tribes where the men worked just as hard as the women. So when her and his ancestors were brought to American, the men went out in the fields, while the women stayed at the house and gained skills such doing the domestic work, being cooks, looking after children,etc. and gaining status while the men just picked cotton, and did menial work. So except for periods where men were expected to support the family, it has now returned to where men are supported by their women.
Now we see that employers are laying off men so they can hire women who will work for cheap and this is the result.
She has to get out of the habit that it is all right for her to support him. He should be paying child support to his ex wife. That is he should get off his bum (sorry Canadian, we say bum instead of butt) and find a job unless he is going to a trade school to get a better job.
1 person likes this
@binaybbsr1 (375)
• India
2 Mar 13
i guess, this problem is less gender related and more on money related. And moreover, it is just one side story, no narration from the man's side is given here. It is not wise to judge by listening the episode from one side only.
@marguicha (222855)
• Chile
2 Mar 13
A man with no job and 5 kids living at his GFs expense has nothing to say for himself. Actions are more important than words.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
4 Mar 13
No I totally agree with marguicha a man who has 5 kids and is living off his girlfriend would have nothing to say. Or I'd like to hear what he has to say which would probably be all lies. I'd also like to know why a guy who has no job, 5 kids live and make it harder for his girlfriend to support herself and her children want to move in with his girlfriend. You would think that he'd want to wait until he found a job to move in with his girlfriend. Just saying.
@binaybbsr1 (375)
• India
2 Mar 13
If you know her man, then naturally i agree on what you feel, else, you can think what i ve told.
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
2 Mar 13
First of all it sounds like this woman has very low self-esteem. For her to let some man come into her life and expect her to support him and five children he must have ALOT of nerve. These types are very charming and manipulative. This situation stinks. But until this woman gets with it and has some self-esteem and gets the strength to rid herself of him she will continue to have him coming around. She needs to set up some boundaries and not let this jerk in.
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
4 Mar 13
She's an adult and do as she pleases. Until something happens that makes her realize what he is up to she won't learn it. Some women just have much self respect and let men walk all over them. I hope she gets smart at some point.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
3 Mar 13
Yeah, I think that it is low self esteem that plays a part in it. Well, its mostly that issue. But I just talked to her yesterday and he's back over there. I don't know what its going to take before she's had enough. He's already ruined a lot of things that have happened already and I don't see how after that she still let him back.
1 person likes this
@choconut (297)
• Philippines
3 Mar 13
In my opinion, whether the man rings and say he has a job and he's ready to settle down, she shouldn't take the man back because for sure since he has already done it he will do it again, abusing her. He doesn't have the right to do that to anyone and as her friend, I feel your pain. I just hope that when she made that decision to let him go, she really meant it. It's time to be firm and stand on the ground
@squallming (1775)
• Malaysia
4 Mar 13
Most of the time, people being in a relationship behave irrationally. Probably how people behave towards their emotional feeling and needs. That is why even though your friend may have been used by the guy, she is still willing to be with him until now. However, the guy may come back one day and he may or may not get a temporary job for the sake of using her again. I guess we cannot decide for her what she wants. Just hope that even if the guy does return one day, be it a real man who can take good care of your friend.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
5 Mar 13
Well, he has actually returned again. I'm not sure if anything at all if he has changed. I do know that he still doesn't have a job. But you are right, she is going to have to make the decision for herself and I can turn blue in the face and keep giving her advice, but in the end, she will be the one who will solely make the decision for herself. I just hopes one day she wakes up and realizes what he is doing to her or I hope he wakes up and realizes that he better change so he doesn't lose a good woman.
@Nandita2013 (132)
• India
4 Mar 13
That guy is just using your friend. If he was dedicated in this relationship he would never tell your friend to pay for his children he is just lying around and giving all the burden to your friend. He just want to enjoy his life so he is not ready to marry your friend as all his needs are fulfilled. I think your friend is very simple natured and down to earth. Hope that guy dosent come back to her life again..
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
5 Mar 13
@Nandita, unfortunately he did come back and she did accept him. He still has no job. I definitely don't think that this guy is ready for marriage and neither he is hoping for marriage or wanting marriage. I don't understand why he too decided to let her care for his children while he does nothing. I still haven't understood that part and I don't understand why she would do that too as she has her own children to care for and from the last time that I talked to her she is really struggling, cause she lost one job and is now working a new job.
@binaybbsr1 he has returned, but unfortunately he has still not changed. Still no job and he has weaseled his way back into her life. I have feeling he has no plans in changing he just wants to keep on using her and that is a sad thing for my friend. I think that this guy needs to grow up and realize that he needs to make some changes in his life and stop using vulnerable women. I hope one day that my friend will open her eyes and see what is happening to her and realize that she does not deserve to be going through this.
@binaybbsr1 (375)
• India
4 Mar 13
better we should hope that the guy should change completely and tht lady should get him back again.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
2 Mar 13
Well, I can't explain it, but there are just women who are like that - same with men who are in that trap as well. I think it has something to do with their confidence level, perhaps they feel that nobody else would want them. Another could be the fact that this person (the guy) was so good at reading her (psychological) that he knows how to press the right buttons.
This type of friend isn't someone that I'd like to be with talking, it would only frustrate me in the end. However, I think we cannot do anything bout their mindset. Be blunt but don't expect them to change quickly.
I had a friend once who kept on crying to me about her boyfriend being so insensitive and doesn't value her. I kept on asking her why she's still with him? She cannot answer. This relationship was from a past relationship where the guy and her were supposed to be married but it had been called off. I think she was so torn with the calling off of the wedding that she couldn't accept it. I think she wanted to get married so bad that she was willing to have anyone. The guy who she was supposed to marry turned out to be gay (she confessed she thought so too but was willing to marry still!). I don't know. I cannot explain it.
But in the end, she got over her insecurities and after a while found someone who wanted to marry her. She's now married with a cute baby and I guess she finally moved on from her stupid ways. When I ask her what she thought about herself several years back, she just shrugs and laughs about it.
I guess we all go through that phase, but what's important is that we should look at what's unhealthy and have the courage to leave the habit. Nobody can teach that to us, we just need to figure it out on our own.
Have a great mylot experience ahead!
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
2 Mar 13
I agree with you on that one, sometimes things we just need to get out of it on our own and there won't be anyone that can pull us out of it. I hope eventually that she can see how unhealthy this is for her and be able to get out of this situation. I was the same way as well, but then I think I just eventually got tired of it and couldn't take it any more. So I just stopped myself from getting into those certain situations and now I am a better person because of it and I have a really awesome relationship with my husband.
@silverfox09 (4708)
• United States
2 Mar 13
Some woman just afraid to go out there and be single , they will stay with the wrong person just so they wont be a lone . Old habits are hard to break , I hope she can keep strong because maybe she does love him .
Some men will just take take take until the woman have nothing and they move on to the next available woman .
@marguicha (222855)
• Chile
2 Mar 13
I have never understood why some woman accept abuse, but it seems that there are lots of reasons, including being abused while they were children. Then they have a very low self esteem. I would not have accepted a man with no job and 5 children in my house to begin with. An engagement ring means nothing. Commitment means something else.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
4 Mar 13
I partially think it is a part of low self esteem. And I totally agree that I too would not allow a guy with 5 kids and no job into my house. Especially when I already have 2 children to take care of myself. Adding one more mouth to feed in the mix, would definitely make things tougher. And it is true, that an engagement ring would mean nothing. I think I'd throw it at him and tell him to go find a job. 
Also if I were a guy, I wouldn't want to move in with my girlfriend who has two children to feed and I had no job and I can't even take care of my own 5 children. Just saying. Guys like this don't even care, they just find women who are vulnerable so they can mooch off of them and not care that they are making it hard on them.
Also if I were a guy, I wouldn't want to move in with my girlfriend who has two children to feed and I had no job and I can't even take care of my own 5 children. Just saying. Guys like this don't even care, they just find women who are vulnerable so they can mooch off of them and not care that they are making it hard on them.
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
2 Mar 13
It sounds like she will believe anything he says to her...If she took him back I agree with you she would be making a big mistake!
If he will not find a job now then he will probably want to live off her forever, which is so wrong.
Sometimes a separation is enough to make people change, but not always. It is hard to know before it happens if her kicking him out will open his eyes.
Hopefully she will move on and better herself with someone who treats her right.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
3 Mar 13
Yeah it looks to be that way, that she will believe anything he says. I don't know any more though, after talking to her yesterday he's already got himself back into her house and he doesn't have a job still. I wish she would open her eyes and see what is happening, but I don't know when her eyes will happen.
@Raine38 (12250)
• United States
2 Mar 13
That is one thing that I also can't understand. These women do not need a man, any man, moreso like that man, in order to live and bring up their own children. They can very well stand up for themselves and make a living and take care of their own kids the best way they know how ALONE. Then all of sudden, there comes a man who turns their world upside down who isn't even worth a sh$%&. These men bring out the worse in them, and then they start to disregard their friends and family and all their time is devoted with the guy. Sad, but I have seen something like this unfolding right before my eyes when my own best friend was stuck with a man like that. It cost us our friendship because she thinks I am just jealous back then because I don't even have a boyfriend which is like the silliest thing I have ever heard. Last I heard, they are in an off again, on again relationship. She already kicked me out of her life for saying something and she didn't like me telling the truth about her man.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
3 Mar 13
I think that is why she hardly ever calls me any more because she knows what I am going to say and then he's probably just going to say that oh she's just jealous and she'll agree along with him and don't call me for months. But I do agree, I wish that she could just see, that she don't need him in her life and that she can make it on her own so much better. She has before and then this guy comes along and just ruins everything for her. I really feel bad for her. Because she's just not seeing the big picture here and not looking at everything and she is just looking at one thing.
@gkutti (111)
•
10 Mar 13
well i would say she is in love, one word to explain practically her over looking of all what he has been doing to her. so I would suggest you better do something fast lest she gets herself into trouble. trying speaking to him and see if he is seeing someone else when your friend is away. it is the best way to make a girl throw out her guy. I am sure she is gonna be badly hurt. try being supportive. she needs you. good luck..!!!
