I Do Get It...

You are AWESOME!!! If more women in America were like you, we would be 10x closer to Heaven on Earth!

I asked for a divorce after 11 1/2 years of marriage. My (now ex) husband took advantage of me-I was five and a half years younger, and so unprepared for marriage to a man who repeatedly made me feel like nothing. It is a horrible feeling to feel insignificant, to feel like nothing. He refused to defend me to his parents, made me feel like sh1t for being Catholic, and just exacerbated my guilt of two abortions I had previously. I was to a point where it was me or him-literally. I was accused of cheating at each of my jobs. He cut me off from family and friends. I was prepared to kill myself because he made me feel like I was nothing. As a result, I've been VERY afraid to ever marry again. In my last relationship, I would have been content to just live with him-I just wanted to be a part of someone's life. And in my current relationship, I started out hopeful-and actually began to plan for our future. I still have my doubts, but I really want to get remarried.

Like with any marriage, partnership etc, it's about the communication, if you can be honest and upfront and talk to your partner about your concerns, whether they are about the relationship or marriage itself, or if it's a concern about your partner and what they are doing, or not doing, then providing you can communicate without shouting, without accusations, talking calmly about what you both want from the marriage then it can grow and get stronger. So many times you hear of people divorcing, which is made all too easily nowadays, when in fact if only they had sat down together and spent some quality time, talking it over, then maybe the marriage could have been saved.

You are completely right that we should all ask ourselves what would we miss if they were no longer here with us. I know that I would miss the good times that my husband and I have together, and I would just miss him as a person. Although there are plenty of time, I'm like why am I with him. Sometimes I take a step back and I see why I am with him and part of that reason is I love him and if he were gone then I would miss him as well. There have been times that I have thought about divorce too. But as like you if it weren't for my faith and so much more, we would have already divorced. And I see it like this, yes there are many things that he should change and there are many great qualities that he has. But also, I take a step back and look at myself and I see that I too have many things that I need to change. And I know that instead of asking him to make those changes, how about I make the changes in my life that needs to be changed and maybe he'll follow my lead and if not, then its okay. And I just pray for him daily and that is a key point that everyone should do before even considering divorce. Pray for God to change the things that needs changing in your spouse and then take a step back and look at the things that needs to be changed. I too on certain instances believe in divorce and that would be if he was abusive (which my husband has never been) or he cheated. (Which he almost did, but didn't and came to me first.) One thing that I hate that many couples say for the reason of divorce is that they have fallen out of love, but then you know what it would be better to divorce then to cheat on your significant other.

Thanks a million for sharing this topic. This question has been bugging me for months and it was running through my mind yesterday evening at its peak silently. You are really God sent to answer my dilemma. So ... faith is the answer, family should come first! But how to make him understand that I need assurance and appreciation to go on.?? He is so .... 'take things for granted'. Hinting, spoken, communicated yet no response!

As I was growing up I have to say that I never believed that divorce would ever be an option for me, but now that I've been in those shoes, I have to say that it might be an option for me at some point. The reason that I say this is because I've seen that my husband has changed in the years that we've been together. Many of these changes have been things that are not good at all. My faith is what keeps me here right now, but there could come a time that my faith would fail me and only then would I consider divorce for myself.

Well you know me I don't believe in marriage for myself at all. You truly like and Love Hubby. Why leave? I think many get divorce because they don't Like their partner anymore.The love maybe stil there but they rather not be in their company. It Must be so hard to be in a marriage and feel all alone. I think this is a good reason to divorce.

While divorce is not the preferred outcome, it is sometimes the appropriate course. If there is abuse, neglect, unbearable conditions, imposed idleness (the husband prevents his wife from working when she desires to do so), adultery, etc., divorce is the appropriate course. Those are the conditions set forth by the faith I follow. "To force a woman to endure the agony of a cruel husband who abuses her is unfathomable. The self-same Torah of G-d which forbids the afflicting of others could surely not allow, or tolerate, a situation wherein afflicting of others is permitted to continue through the camouflage of an institutionalized union" (http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/560111/jewish/Wifes-Grounds.htm). Of course, relationships require work. It has to be a partnership, or it will not succeed. Oh, it may not officially break apart; however, at least one of the people shall go through life being miserable in the relationship. I am a big believer in couple's counseling. It is sometimes the best way to get two people to sit down and actually talk about the things that are bothering them. Otherwise, it is too easy to push things aside until it turns into a source of an argument; then, you find yourself fighting with the other person about something incredibly trivial.

Reading your post was just like reading my mind. And everything that you said you've gone through, I have gone through, too. It took me a lot of thinking before I really decided to give my marriage another try. My parents have even told me their support if ever that I would finally decide to give up. I thought that the kids are the most important in keeping my marriage. I didn't want them to grown up having a broken family. But reality struck me, that it was more than wanting to have a family together. I didn't think I would really be completely happy if my I was only half of myself.

for sure and you can feel the difference it is more like cheating in divorce and invariably arguing always

Hi there ! All must well informed about this divorced . It's pros and cons. I know so much pain it gives especially in the kids part. It is a better and a bitter remedy for couples who are always in trouble , those couples which made their home not heaven but hell. No used in staying together if the scenario would always be like this . But lucky are those who don't need to resort to divorce because s they said , no amount of happiness can compensate for a failure in family.

Hi I think it is all the hard times you and your husband have went through that will keep your marriage strong. Marriage does take hard work, however I have to agree with you about divorce as well if there is abuse or cheating it would easily become a choice for many.

It is good that you don't have a divorce, but it's even better that you have faith! Faith is all it takes to me your relationship work out and I'm glad to hear that from you.

I believe many entered into a marriage without thinking much about a future together with their partners, and perhaps did not intend to anyway. Divorce has lost much of its taboo and people hence marry thinking that if they do not feel happy with their spouse they can split anytime. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way, instead of working their issues out they simply choose to leave.

That is a good question to ask. The challenge is when you want your "other" to change in some way because it's so hard to inspire change in people sometimes. I wish you good luck in your relationship. Too many end up parting ways, or maybe they should have never joined paths in the first place.

It's really hard to try to understand what anyone else thinks or feels. Honestly, to say that no one should divorce unless they're abused is just being judgmental. You also can't truthfully say that it will never happen to you either. I once believed that any marriage could succeed with the right amount of effort and thought I'd never consider divorce myself. Then I did consider it for myself. I ended up in counseling where I eventually realized I don't actually want a divorce.. but I'm much more understanding of people who do divorce out of frustration and inattentiveness. BTW.. many of the problems that got me into counseling are the same ones you've mentioned in your own marriage. I can prattle on with my thoughts, opinions, and advice.. but not sure you want to hear them. For now I'll just say don't rush to judgment when you don't fully understand anyone else's situation, what they've been through, how long they've been going through it.. etc.

I don't know that faith has a lot of weight on staying together or not. Knew a woman (our children carpooled together) and she was a devote Baptist. There were struggles in her marriage and she went to her minister. Her minister told her that her husband has already broken the vow of marriage, so she shouldn't feel obligated to stay with him because of her beliefs. She was shocked by this and it even shocked me when she shared it. I've looked back on my own divorce and knew that being unhappy with a person wouldn't set any good example for my children on what a marriage is. There is the factors of cheating on or abuse but there are other just as valid points there. I think what it all boils down to, for me anyway, is it hurting your children more to stay somewhere that you know it will never work out.

Well I am now no stranger to divorce. The evil ex obviously wanted her wants more then the marriage. She got money from her uncle and now that I look back, that was the beginning of the end. It seemed that the money was more important to her. So, not only did she take that money but half of everything we had as well and all the furniture. She is currently pursuing a career in nursing and it is going to be some years before she finishes. By then she will be old. But she is with someone that in her mind is replacing me. He reminds me of me in some ways. He has my build, wears glasses, slightly chubby and a sick sense of humor as I do. So she just removed me and added someone to play dad. But my kids don't like him and never will. She is a sick individual really. There is something mentally wrong with her I believe. But that is done with now. My kids know who their father is and thats all that counts to me. And let me add that she was very sneaky and cheated numerous times. One that I knew only part of the story because she confessed to only a small part of it and denied anymore. Then it happened a few years later. And strangely, after the kids were born. Then she decided to leave. That makes no sense to me and to this day she never answered the question I asked, why did she go through 2 pregnancies and then do it again and leave. Just a blank stare. So, I will never go down that path again in my life. Even though I am with the perfect woman now.

I do agree with you, sometimes we need change in every situation that we feel is already boring, but not change status in marriage into divorce. Chosing divorce is terrible, for the kids especially. It is so sad that sometimes couple decide to divorce because they feel there is no agreement anymore in their marriage, I think they could make a better decission than divorce. But may be for some people divorce is the only choice.

I really like your stance about divorce. I hate it when someone is like, "oh, he/she doesn't want to do what I want, I'm gonna divorce"!... they just haven't understoof their vows then. Perfect doesn't exist, so there's no need for chasing that. But if you have a good relationship, appreciate it! But if the relationship can't be saved, and there's constant tension there, it's sometimes better to divorce than trying to live together because that's the moral thing to do... that could be even worse.