My counselor told me to have an affair..
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
March 14, 2013 1:14pm CST
Apparently I have bad luck with counselors. There's another one I'm not going to go back to.. but at least I do feel differently after speaking with her a few times.
I started seeing her awhile ago.. and mostly talked about my marital problems. Honestly these problems aren't extremely major.. more like minor annoyances.. but they've built up over time. I also know that I have blame in our problems also.. I know what I need to do different, but I don't always do it.
There was a part of me that was honestly thinking of the possibility of ending my marriage. I'd just gotten fed up with how things are. I stopped trying because of how fed up I was.. then he stopped trying too and things got worse.
So I began telling the counselor about some of the problems. To which she would respond with "Maybe it's time you cut your losses", "Maybe you should find someone different who'd make you happier".
As soon as she'd say things like that I would start defending my husband. He's really not a bad guy. He's got his little issues, but deep down he's a good person and has a lot of positive qualities.
Then she told me the story of someone she knows who was married to a good guy, but her emotional needs weren't being met.. and eventually they divorced and she's happier now.
When I told her I was not going to get a divorce.. one of the reasons being I cannot financially support myself and my kids.. she said "Well, you could always have an affair"!
Of course I'm upset about the things she said, but the funny thing is, when she said them I finally realized what I really wanted. I do not want to leave my husband. I cannot imagine being with someone else. I could not have an affair.. I don't want one. I want my husband.. I want our problems resolved.
So I did get something out of counseling at least.. the resolve to work on things instead of giving up. I told this to my husband and have since seen a change in him also. Things are getting better.
Needless to say I've yet again stopped going to counseling.. and honestly I'm not really mad at her for what she said because it did inspire something in me, and did what I needed it to do. But with the bad luck I've had, I'm really not sure I'm going to try counseling again after this!
6 people like this
17 responses
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
14 Mar 13
A counsellor is not supposed to offer advise as she ws there tolisten to you and by listening and throwing in a fe questions this would make YOU realise what the problems were and how they could be resolved. She was totally out of order to say what she did.
A marriage ia a live union. Some days you wonder why you got married but in a couple of days you realise why. It is constantly changing and both husband and wife have to adapt to. I am so angry at the woman but at least you do know how much you love him and want the marriage to succeed.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
14 Mar 13
Anyway, what with five kids, husband and job, you would be too tired to go out and look someone to have an affair with
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
14 Mar 13
Right.. as I said, something good did come out of it.. so I'm not too upset by it.. but I have decided to stop going because I won't feel as if I can talk about problems only to have to defend my marriage afterwards.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
14 Mar 13
Precisely. You should not hsve to do that. She should help by steering you to options but it is you who make the decisions about your life not her
@carolbee (16230)
• United States
14 Mar 13
Sounds to me like the counselor used a little reverse psychology on you and it worked. The power of suggestion can be so positive. She must have opened your eyes and you realized life wouldn't be so good without your husband. We all have flaws and sometimes it creates problems. Good luck and hope everything works out well for you.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
14 Mar 13
No, I don't think that was it.. but it did work out so all is well.
1 person likes this
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
14 Mar 13
Maybe she was throwing these absurd things out there to get so you came to a conclusion what you really wanted. I don't agree with her suggestions were but they got the job done.
I've done the therapy and group sessions before. Helped me after about 3 months. It was was a slow painful process. Stopped going last Fall but can deal with things on another level now.
Congratulations on 10 years coming up!
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
14 Mar 13
I've always felt like I could handle most things on my own.. but other people were urging me to see the counselor, and I guess on some level it did help.
1 person likes this
@kingparker (9673)
• United States
14 Mar 13
Maybe this counselor of yours that you are seeing isn't professional enough. She told you to have an affair as an alternative solution to your marriage problem? That is not right. Also, the way you defend your husband also prove that you love him so much, and you realized it from the bottom of your heart, that is a good thing to start some change with in your marriage. If you see change from your husband, or he is getting better, why not give him a second chance. Things might getting better eventually.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
14 Mar 13
I'm glad to hear that it did inspire you to do what you need to do. That would be crazy for a counselor to suggest that you have an affair. That wouldn't make you happier it would only create more problems and it is hard to fix problems after things like that. I have been feeling similar to you. My husband and I have been having our share of problems for awhile now. And it doesn't seem it's going to get better. We did a few sessions of couple's counseling and now he is doing some by himself.
In order for things to change for the better he has to want to change and he really doesn't want to. So unfortunately for us I think we will separate some time in the future. The problems we have aren't major but they do build up and lack of appreciation is one that I can't continue going without. I don't want to rush into any relationship either. I have to work hard in order to support myself and my daughter. Right now I'm working on saving and I'm taking a course at college. I'm glad to hear that things are improving for the two of you.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
14 Mar 13
I found out a lot of the problems were in my perspective of things. I think if he's willing to try counseling then he is willing to try to fix things. That shows he cares about you and appreciates you. Maybe you need a change of perspective towards him.
2 people like this
@robspeakman (1700)
•
14 Mar 13
Do you really need counseling?
I do not say this to sound uncaring.
The modern human is very quick to run to someone else about their problems... and pay them a lot of money for the privilage.
Following an accident a couple of years ago, I was and still am having problems adjusting to real life. I was referred to see a shrink and also a therapist.
I saw them both a couple of times and to be honest, I felt worse.
I stopped seeing them, made some changes in my life and told my family.
They understand and they joke about it - I feel a lot better
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
14 Mar 13
Without the counseling I wouldn't have realized my marriage can get better.. so it did do some good in my life. I think it can be helpful at times.. but we need to find the right counselor.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160696)
• United States
15 Mar 13
Is it possible that this was deliberate? That she wanted to get you into defending him? It is funny how that worked out. I know that people say that having a good listener is almost as good as counseling and gets good results. I am glad you guys are making positive changes.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
15 Mar 13
No I don't think it was deliberate, because it was 3 separate occasions. The first meeting she mentioned possible divorce and I said no.. not even an option. The 2nd time she told me the story of the co-worker, and again I said no. Then the 3rd time was when she mentioned the affair.
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
14 Mar 13
I now am happy...that like you, I no longer seek/see a councillor..and I was advised to see one by my Dr.! Well, after TWO, yes TWO visits to the councillor, she refused to see or hear me! I had deep-seated issues from childhood...First visit...a fistful of pharmaceuticals (perscriptions) and I hate pills (I rationalized I had made it this long with a chemical adjustment..I did not need to start now!) On the last visit (when she refused to see me unless I took THE pills...I went with my fistful of pills to the Dr., and plunked them on his desk! I was so flipping annoyed that I (like a fool) had wasted all that money...being led around like a lamb to slaughter! The councillors rationale was that my depression was caused by a chemical imbalance and I would be fixed with pills! No..I just needed some-one to listen to me..talk it out! So, I am praying that just talking it out, has helped you to see that it is a valuable relationship..with just a few things that need tweeking!
Sounds like you are on the right path...as for me, NO MORE councillors!
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
14 Mar 13
Forgot to address the issue...AN AFFAIR, I think blatantly BAD, BAD advice that would create more trouble than any one person needs!
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
14 Mar 13
I don't like to take pills either and also had a counselor who didn't think I could get better without pills.
1 person likes this
@redredrose (1105)
• United States
14 Mar 13
The counselor was right about being with someone that makes you happy and if your husband doesn't then divorce maybe. Tho an affair i think not. That'snot a good idea and if your hubby found out then he'd be the one to file for divorce and you would get very little out of it. Also if your not happy you shouldn't stay with someone just for financial support. Tho i am very glad things worked out for you with hubby so far and that you both are happier in the marriage. Only don't give up on counseling. if you feel you need it then do it just find a different one that makes you happy and not upset.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
16 Mar 13
Well now, if that is the way that counseling is going to be then I don't think that is what my relationship needs.
When you talk about the problems that you've had in your relationship I have to say that I almost felt like I was reading my own story. My husband is a good person at the core of things but there are things that he does that really does annoy me and then there are also the times that things get the best of him and he isn't meeting my emotional needs.
That said, I have found the thing that helps me the most is actually having a good friend of the opposite gender with whom I can talk and who I know would do anything in the world for me if I was to need something.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
16 Mar 13
I think just having any sort of good friend is helpful if you can talk to them and vent and maybe get another view of things.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
14 Mar 13
I guess the counselor thought to say those things because she feels your emotionally unhappy and that's the only thing she can see would make you happy. They are suppose to say good things and try to fix things out with their patient's problems. And not give up so easily to advise you such thing.
....Or maybe, she is trying to do reverse psychology on you for you to really meditate on your issues with your marriage and your husband. If that is what she tried to do with you, then she is successful. Because now you finally realized you cannot love any other guy and leave your husband.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
14 Mar 13
I think if that's what she was trying to do she should have said so.. because I am offended by her actions and if she had explained she did it for good reason I wouldn't be offended anymore. But I don't think she had good reasons for doing it.
1 person likes this
@squallming (1775)
• Malaysia
15 Mar 13
Your actions deserved my respect. 
Now, I do know that counselor can be quite helpful at times at their job. But do remember this, a good counselor should only stick with his responsibilities and code of ethics, which is to be a good listener. I attended some counseling course before and that is why I know. A counselor should never make decision for client nor suggest this kind of negative course of actions.
It is good that you started to doubt your counselor. One have to know that counselor is human too. And being human, they are imperfect, and subject to biases, personal views, prejudices etc. Not to forget that every counselor do have difference in how professional they are. I never went for counselor because I know that my critical mind is way better than theirs.
I do hope that you and your husband will sort things out positively. Be positive. 
Now, I do know that counselor can be quite helpful at times at their job. But do remember this, a good counselor should only stick with his responsibilities and code of ethics, which is to be a good listener. I attended some counseling course before and that is why I know. A counselor should never make decision for client nor suggest this kind of negative course of actions.
It is good that you started to doubt your counselor. One have to know that counselor is human too. And being human, they are imperfect, and subject to biases, personal views, prejudices etc. Not to forget that every counselor do have difference in how professional they are. I never went for counselor because I know that my critical mind is way better than theirs.
I do hope that you and your husband will sort things out positively. Be positive. 
@JRJohnson (85)
• United States
14 Mar 13
I applaud you for not simply giving up and finding the next quick fix! For, if you can't work out the issues with your husband, then they will appear again in another relationship. There are lessons that you as a person need to learn and this is the universe's way of telling you to learn them. Simply leaving him will not fix the issue. I promise you, your lessons will not be learned by dumping him. I hope you both have a happy and loving and successful marriage forever!!
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
14 Mar 13
So far so good.. our 10 year anniversary is coming up.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18369)
• Orangeville, Ontario
16 Mar 13
I think she was testing you. I saw a counsellor when I was a teenager and having problems getting along with my mother. She asked me why I didn't tell my mother to f-off (except she used the full term). My response was "Because she'd hit me". I realized much later on that the question was a test to see how I would answer it. I am guessing it is the same thing with your counsellor. Think carefully how exactly she worded the question.
I hope you get things worked out with your husband. What she said to you obviously worked because you realized you don't want to have an affair or leave your husband.
@maximax8 (31046)
• United Kingdom
15 Mar 13
Many ladies in an unhappy marriage are able to split up and go ahead with divorce proceedings. Some couples with marriage problems are able to get their relationship back on track. Visiting a counselor should be a helpful experience. I know many ladies wouldn't be able to keep their home or afford to care for their children if they got divorced. I am shocked the lady said you could have an affair with someone else whilst you are still with your husband in marriage. I haven't ever had any counseling. Good luck.
