depression and disappointment part 2

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I feel like I need to add more. You know the feeling of euphoria that is like your on top of the world and life is exciting. I only feel that way in my dreams. I can't remember if I felt that way when I was allot younger. I have dreams about men and boyfriends but in being awake I have no desire to seek out men for dating and relationships or anything. I'm afraid to say what I am afraid of. I sort of feel like I live in fear every minute - scared to death for the next second to arrive and what terrible happening it might bring. And hopefully and most likely the next minute will not bring any kind of unpleasantness. I wonder if this fear and anxiety I live with constantly is causing me to be afraid of living/life. How would you feel if you had an opportunity to relocate to just about any US city you'd want to live in and you had the chance twice and blew it both times. I had these chances in 07/08. I got to move away from the small town I'd live in for 30 years to a pretty nice city but the landscape wasn't much different so I wanted to move again. So my son and I made the mistake of moving to a small town in VA. It was beautiful but I was reminded about how boring a small town is. And if you don't have friends and family especially in a small town you will not feel to happy. So we were stuck there for a year. Then a member of my family influenced me to move back closer to home. Even though I knew I wouldn't be happy with it my son and I moved back to square 1 where we first escaped from. I (we) didn't get what we'd bargained for and that was good times with family. The person whom talked me into coming back didn't live up to her half of the deal (what I assumed and like she had talked about with me before). So my son and I didn't get 2 Christmases in a row, 1 Thanksgiving and didn't get to see/visit family but a few times and then came a stupid problem/misunderstanding and my son and I didn't get to visit them for a year. So then we moved a couple or so hours away to a little bigger of a city in the next state. So I've not ended up in a city I really wanted to stay in. My son feels the same way. The whole ordeal has just been one big disappointment especially when I tried choosing my family over my dreams and it was all for nothing. And we could be living in a city we'd been allot happier at. How do I get over all this disappointment; I mean I didn't get to go to my dream city when I had 2 or actually 3 chances and I didn't get to amend things with my family either except for my older son. Any suggestions?