Once you have kids.....

You may not understand this, Ricki, but parents who WANT to be parents put their kids first. Their life does change 180 degrees, ahich is the exact opposite from when you aren't a parent. You talk about how your parents do you. If they felt that way about their kids they should have never had kids. My life changed when I had a daughter. My friends' lives also changed when they had kids. It happens because you are your kids' mother. Your kid comes first. I didn't have a child just to dump her with a sitter so I could go party. I became a responsible mother. My friends understood. I also understood when my friends got pregnant and had children. Your priorities change. I didn't go anywhere where I couldn't take my daughter. That means I didn't hang out and drink. If my friends wanted to spend time with me, then they were welcomed to come to my home. However, if they were sick with cold or flu, I would ask them to wait until they were better. Friends don't come before your kids. If you ever become a parent you should want to put them before your parents, your friends. Your relationships with your friends change, it's natural. You don't throw your friends away, but your relationships change. When you become a wife your relationships change. It's called growing up. I feel your perception if being a parent is a little off due to how your parents treat you. If how they treat you is true, I actually feel sorry for you.

Priorities change when you have kids - it really does. I don't think I use my kids as excuses for anything . . . my priority is to do what is best for them . . . I am responsible for them . . . which I hope all parents would be willing to do/be for their kids. I don't think I'm better than my friends who do not have children, nor do I feel like I have more of a life . . . but I am definitely busier in ways they are not. I have quite a few single and married friends who do not have children. Even though they know I'm busy with kids, I don't think they quite understand just HOW busy I am. I mean, before I had kids, I knew having kids was a big job . . . but boy, it wasn't until I was a parent that I realized just HOW big of a job it REALLY was - it's a lot more work than I had ever imagined (but I'm not complaining - I do love my "job"). Coffee for an hour. Well, I have a friend who likes to do that (she is married, no children). She just can meet during her break or day off from work . . . I don't have a break or day off. She can just plan, drive, meet, have coffee, converse, and leave. If I have one or both kids with me, I have to schedule a day in which we are not in school or classes or events we go to (I DO have to check my calendar by the day), prepare for the kids, get them in and out of the car on time (which isn't always easy), keep them occupied as they are so young . . . it's not like I can come and go in an instant. Be in potty training mode for your kid and that can make it interesting in another way. And it doesn't help with certain friends who are not particularly "kid-friendly" and practically ignore the kids when we are having "coffee time" - makes things harder as kids can sense that. And then there's the expense thing. With my friend, it's just her. When it's me, that also means paying for the kids too - times 2 in my case - so I end up paying a lot if I go out (not something I want to do when we are on a tight budget). I remember too how my sister-in-law got majorly pissed at us just because we kept up my daughter's napping schedule when she was a wee one and we couldn't get to her stupid party on time. She was getting all sarcastic about the whole napping schedule thing as if it were a lame excuse - and I sooooo did not appreciate it. No, she did not understand anything about how it how naps or lack or it affects a child and then how it would affect us at night (meaning lack of sleep for us) . . . she had/still has no idea what it's like to have a baby - but I never said that or feel the need to explain it to her in depth . . . because I knew she could never put herself in our shoes . . . to her it was always going to be a lame excuse no matter what we said. Anyway, I could go on and on about this. We parents also discuss how some people without children don't completely understand the stuff we go through. Some friends will understand enough that they still care to remain friends . . . and well, after you have kids, you just might see who your real friends are.

No, people who have children aren't all like that. I'm not even certain that your former friends are like that. Perhaps, it was just that they were tired of dealing with someone who doesn't have children and has made it clear that she doesn't like them. You are very vocal about your anti-child views--not exactly an attractive quality in a friend when one has children. Having kids does change things. I don't yet have (human) children, but I know that it is going to be a change when I do. My focus isn't going to be on my childless friends; they will still be my friends and aunts to my children, but that is because they aren't anti-child. Much of my focus--especially when they are young--will be on my children; much of my time and energy will go to things such as helping with the Hebrew school, fundraising for whatever clubs they are in, going to the kid-friendly events with them.

I have children and I did not change that way at all. Were there days that I could not go out at the drop of the hat? Of course there were, I need a babysitter, I have a responsibility to my kids but I was not nasty or rude to anyone. And I don't think I am better than anyone. In fact I think I am the opposite of most people, I put others higher than myself on a daily basis. Can't help it, always been that way. I know it's not all mothers because I am not that way and neither is my sister and we both have kids. There are places I won't go now that I am married with kids like bars and clubs because I just don't think I could go there and come home to look them in the eyes. That is personal choice though. I would have no problem going to get a coffee with friends, if I had someone to watch my kids. The one thing that definitely does change is now they need a babysitter for anything and everything they do. I cannot leave the house to go anywhere unless I am taking the kids with me or have someone to watch them. They come first.

I would never feel like that. Only ting is with kids we are much busier and dont have much time for our friends.

Hi Ricki Not all people act this way when they have kids, things do change when you have a child (that is for sure) but don't let people make you feel this way, this kind of reminds me of the "blank and the city" episode where Carrie leaves her designer shoes behind and they are stolen and her friend feels she does not need to pay her as she has kids, bills, etc. Not all people need children to feel their life is complete, this again is a personal choice.

Unfortunately people do change when they have kids. NOt to the point where they feel they are better than someone who doesn't have kids. That's just not right and it'a no excuse to be rude. Having kids doesn't give anyone the right to turn into a biatch.

I have one friend (she was a teen mom) that have a baby and the girl just change , I am no longer close to her because we have nothing in common . I dont know who is her friend these days because all the rest of us are still the same and she is now the odd one out . I do believe a lot of people that have children think they are better than ones that dont , because they have more important thing to do than hang out with you that have nothing better to do . People do change but that is just for the best we just have to find people in our circle with common interest and move on .

Having kids changes your life completly, that's right. Since you have your own ones, you have more (or another kind of) responsability and point of views. The only way to understand these changes, is having your own ones. Of course, parents have to carry on with a normal or right behaviour, but children aren't only an excuse. Before having my kids, I also had friends and went out with them. But, when my children were born and my husband working, I couldn't leave the babies alone at home to go out to have a cup of coffee with a friend. On the other side, I couldn't take two babies with me. This way, situation is a bit difficult for parents, too. In my opinion, your problem is more based on that you might suddenly feel allone. Time, life and persons change and you can't await to live the same life at the age of fourty as you lived with twenty. Maybe the time has come for you to change too.

Yes, once you have kids already, your priorities will change. Your time will now be more on the kids, specially when they are growing up already and born one after the other. Though, once they are bigger where they can take care of themselves already, you will already have time to go out with friends. Although if you have a full time job from 8 - 6 pm. sometimes it is difficult to still go out with friends because when you are already tired, you just wanna go home and lie down and watch TV to regain your strength. So you just have to understand your friends, ricki.

Might be you change as soon as you have children but the friends without children change as well. This is my experience and of many others as well. Fact is the ones without children don't like to be with you that frequently anymore. There is a part of your life you do not have in common anymore. They find it hard(er) to understand you can't just get out that easily anymore esp. not if you do not have anyone who can take care of your child(ren). Personally I don't think I changed. I needed to be me and I continued to do the things I liked (like studying, travelling etc). But yes as my children were very young I did take them with me. How much someone will change as soon as there are kids also depends on their character and personal interests. To be honest I don't think I would ever go for the amount of kids I have now. Perhaps 1. I know myself too good, I do need the feeling to be free, the freedom, no matter how much I love my children, how great they are (most people say they are), how succesful they are and how less trouble I have with them (which many people can't say). They are my best friends but I just see my life slipping away year after year and somehow this is eating me.

I have six kids. I am not better or worse than anyone else. My kids take a lot of time. As they are growing older and having families of their own, I have less responsibilities. Kids really do take over your life when you have them, they are a lot of responsibility. I hope you are able to stay friends with those who have kids and those who don't. I know people who don't have kids that are *itchy just as much as those who have kids. I know people who are sweeter than sweet and not *itchy as those who don't have any. Maybe it's just the personality of your friends and it has nothing to do with the kids. It's just who they are.

When I had my son, I did go places, but I felt guilty afterwards, the only time I did go out was when, I would go out to dinner with a friend, but I had to get my sister to keep my son for me,but later on I stopped going out, I only went to work to church and that was it for me, I had to raise my son, the going out to dinner every Friday for me had to stop, my son is now 22 years old and he has his own kids and I live them, I watch them some times, but I don't babysit them all the time, now like I use to after they were born, I have my own life now, and I a going to live it I work here online most of the time, I don't have time to do, a lot of going out, I work online and I go to church,that is about it for me, I haven't gone shopping in a while because, I so busy online working, I will be pulling some lone hours, here online because I have to save up, some money for my vacation, I am planning to have with my grandaughter this summer,

One should have kids only when you become atleast a millionaire .....not before !!

It is sad when this happens. I had a friend (male) who had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and once the baby came she told my friend that he could not hang out with any of his friends and if he did hang out with his friends then he will never see his daughter. Needless to say he gave up his friends and decided to listen to his girlfriend (she will never marry his, but yet she controls his life). I am married and have a great life with my Randy and yet I still have the same friends that I always have. Last week my friend came to see me from California and loved meeting Randy. The two of them hit it off and acted like they knew each other for years. It is great that she likes Randy because they are both important to me.

really having a kid make us busy. I agree with that, I have a kid and I know how much I have changed, I have no mood of going outside, and have not enough time for myself, before I used to do nice make up, careful about my dresses and hair but now as I do not sleep enough and busy with kid, so that much is in my possibility I try to avoid going out, my kid, make my dresses dirty, I can not look like before that much clean and caring. so for that I prefer to be at home till my kid grow up enough to understand many things.