Should I Tell or Not?
By Raine38
@Raine38 (12391)
United States
March 24, 2013 6:05pm CST
My husband have a guy friend whom we know way back before he was married. Now he also married someone from the Philippines. When they were still dating, our friend requested me to befriend his wife, then girlfriend, and to sort of see if she is being honest with him. I did as he requested and let's say it wasn't enough for me to tell if she's being honest with him or not so I just told him what I see and so far so good. But little by little, I discovered that she have this tendency to weave lies, even to the point of using me to brag to her own friends (I learned about this because her own cousin and Facebook friend asked me about something and they said it was her who said that). Me and my husband warned him about this and well, he took it the bad way and didn't speak to us for a month. Then we just received an invitation to their wedding. We went to witness their wedding because afterall, he is still our friend.
Now fast forward to today, I am already here in the U.S. and our friend's wife is still back at our home country (her VISA application was denied twice), and we are not talking anymore. Now a common friend of ours was asking for our friend's email address because she said she's got something to tell him. Since I am not someone who goes about giving other people's numbers or email addresses, I asked her why. She said she discovered that our friend's wife is posing herself over chat rooms as a single woman and asking money from men who become her "online lovers". At first I didn't believe her and I said I cannot give her our friend's contact info unless he said it is okay to do so. Then I learned from my husband that he's trying to get our friend to be employed where he works because he's been out of work for 4 months now. Which sort of validated that common friend's story about his wife and the money part.
Now this morning, she messaged me again and she said she can prove it to me. She sent me a screenshot of that wife's conversation with another guy and yes, they have been in an online relationship since Feb 28. And she is asking money from him for her birthday next month. She even went further as to invite the man to visit her there soon and they are now arranging for some meet up. I asked this common friend how she got this and she said that the wife once logged in on her laptop and never logged out. And she discovered by accident that it is still logged on. She admits that it is wrong but she said that she is also sort of glad that she found out the kind of person our friend's wife really is.
I remain to my stand not to give her our friend's email add and to stay out of it. They are already having problems before because our friend himself caught her lying about money before, like caught red handed. Many times our friend threatened her of divorce. Now, a part of me screams that our friend doesn't deserve this and he should know, but another part of me wants to stay out of it. But if I were in our friend's position, I want someone to tell me if my husband is cheating on me.
What do you guys think?
14 people like this
20 responses
@doroffee (4222)
• Hungary
25 Mar 13
In this case, I would not tell. If your friend ask you to examine the girl, and after you told him what you thought (more exactly, facts!), he acted all that grumpy and rude, I would be like, it's his problem if he falls for the tricks of this con artist, despite your warnings. But that's my opinion. I'm quite the grudge holder.
2 people like this
@Raine38 (12391)
• United States
25 Mar 13
I am also like you, and I admit that I am still sore about the last time that he didn't talk to us for a month after we warned him of his wife before they even got married. I am anticipating that if ever I did muster enough courage to tell him this, he will just tell me off and even be labelled as the bad guy here.
@antonbunot (11093)
• Calgary, Alberta
20 Dec 15
A 2-timer?! A player! A liar! Without doubt she does not love her husband. Nah, leave them alone, Raine38 ! 
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
25 Mar 13
yes it is true that you would want to have your friends tell you if your husband has been cheating on you, we would definitely want to know... but then this is a different situation... here your friend seemed close minded and may only see or think of you as the one that is trying to break them up.
You know the truth, and i believe that your friend may have been suspecting something already as well. you may just need to talk to him and let your friend confide in you and your husband and from these conversations there you might want to give him hints of what is to come between them especially if you know they already have something between them. If you decide to, you should take extra precautions with regard to the situation because it is after all a delicate matter.
1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12391)
• United States
25 Mar 13
Yeah. I guess this is a situation wherein my noble efforts are not going to be welcomed by the people involved. I am not even sure if I should discuss this with my husband because I know he will be upset and I don't want to ruin his vacation here next month. You're right, it is a delicate matter and they're already married so this is something that no outsider can easily just get involved with.
1 person likes this
@echomonster (2226)
• Greenwood, Mississippi
31 Mar 13
I'm not sure your old friend is still a friend to you and your husband now...it seems like there's a lot of distance between you now. If you were still in close contact, I would probably advise you to inform your friend of what you've heard and let him get to the bottom of it. As is, though, I think he'll just think you're meddling and not want to hear about it. Maybe his fate is already sealed regardless of what you do. It sounds like he probably knows deep down that his wife is not totally trustworthy, but he's not ready to do anything about it and that might not change even if he had the new information. I think it's probably best for you to stay out of the situation.
1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12391)
• United States
1 Apr 13
We do still talk once in a while, but there seems to be an unspoken rule that his marriage and his wife are not to be discussed on a different light anymore. Which, I guess pretty much confirms what you think, that our friendship with him is not as how it was used to be. It just makes me sad because I still believe that nobody deserves to be cheated on this way. But I don't have the heart to be the one to point this out. I just hope and pray that he finds out on his own and resolve this problem on their marriage as they see fit.
Thanks for your reply!
1 person likes this
@marguicha (223720)
• Chile
25 Mar 13
This is a long story, Raine. And I have the feeling that if you get involved in it in any way, you will end up injured. Stay away from all this sordid thing. I would talk it over with my husband to have a common front, but that is all.
@Raine38 (12391)
• United States
25 Mar 13
Yes, and I don't think I would like to be caught up in this mess. You're right, I better talk to my husband first about this. He may know something that I don't because after all, he was friends first with our guy friend and he knows him longer than I have. There could be lots of other factors that I missed that is why it all seems like a mess from my point of view. But yeah, I guess that is what I will do for now.
2 people like this
@obe212003 (2299)
• Philippines
25 Mar 13
It's hard to claim or alleged anything without proof, and mostly hearsays or gossips as passed on from one to another could be an exaggeration or inadequate, but i guess there's always two sides of any story and once you get those sides, then it would be good on your part to assess, realize and then make a decision on what's partly you can do for what reasons and for to anticipate any consequences arising from that.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160879)
• United States
29 Dec 15
It is good that you are no longer being pulled into this web of lies. I guess the guy did not go to work with your husband.
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
26 Jul 18
That is a pretty awkward situation you are in. But I think it is best that you inform your friend about this knowledge so that he can decide and look for the truth himself and finally accept the truth. I think the dishonesty is just not good for married relationship especially if it reaches to level of getting involve with other people other than her husband.
@MoonGypsy (4606)
• United States
25 Mar 13
i would never get involved in situations like this. i would stay out of it. people always end up shooting the messenger.
1 person likes this
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
25 Mar 13
Since he is your friend before she was you have a right as a friend to tell him what is going on. After all like you said he doesn't deserve this. She sounds really devious to me to be doing this to her husband. I'm with you if my husband was cheating on me I would want to know about it too. It's only right after all what if he finds out about this, some other way and then finds out you knew about it and didn't tell him. Being a good friend is telling him because the longer she is playing this game the worse he is going to feel when he finds out the truth.
@Raine38 (12391)
• United States
25 Mar 13
Really I am torn between being a good friend and doing the right thing, or staying out of it being at peace when crap hits the fan, because I agree that it is just a matter of time before he finds out about this. I don't know if I will be able to bear in my conscience to see that our friend gets taken advantage of, and I also don't know if I will be able to carry it within me that I will be the reason - or the giver of reason - for their marriage to go downhill.
1 person likes this
@arthurchappell (44998)
• Preston, England
29 Dec 15
it would be best to stay out of the way and let them resolve their own relationship crisis - you don't want to get caught up or blamed for their problems - take care
@Letranknight2015 (52072)
• Philippines
21 Dec 15
What the? this happened two years ago?! I wonder what happened to that woman. You warned them a long time ago and now it's his problem to deal with it, there are things that only couple should dicover it themselves. Right now, I think you should stay away from both of them, i think because this is a marital problem you don't want your marriage could get into trouble because of this.
@salonga (27775)
• Philippines
29 Dec 15
If I were in your place, I will not involve my self in their problem.
@BelleStarr (61102)
• United States
21 Dec 15
I think he already knows and doesn't want to act on it, he won't thank you for telling him.
@jstory07 (139772)
• Roseburg, Oregon
20 Dec 15
I would not get involved in it. You will end up being the bad one.
@simone10 (54187)
• Louisville, Kentucky
21 Dec 15
Normally I would say to tell your friend about his wife but after reading your post, I think I would stay out of it. Your friend got mad at you once before for telling him the truth and he will probably do it again. It's a very difficult situation to be in.
@just4him (317250)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
21 Dec 15
He needs to know, and if you still have the screen shot of her activities it would be good to send it to him.
@Morleyhunt (21744)
• Canada
29 Dec 15
It is already an old story, but I think you need to back away.
