We are the architects of our own misery

Good thinking! I am guilty of trying to help people when they don't want it. Sometimes, places like myLot helps people talk about what bothers them although it might not be as serious in "real life" as it seems on here. I know some people just talk in a way that makes a situation seem more dramatic than it really is. But you're right; everyone has a choice to make and if they want to choose misery, who are we to judge and who are we to try to change them? Sometimes, even I need to remember that it IS a choice. And then I need to make the choice that's right - for me.

Yes. Oh yes, I agree with you. All you said is true about being misery. Those people who suffered misery for entire life, it means something wrong with them and not us. They should learn to fix their negative energy and its their choice if they want them to be happy or not. We just guide them and it is not right to spoon-feed them to make them happy.

I have some family members that love being miserable, and others that love being happy. They do cause their own emotional situations. about your life, I seem to see you becoming happier all the time. It has been going on since you moved. I think the move gave you some hope. I also see that each time you stand up for yourself you are happier in the long run and things seem to be smoothing out for you. I am working on some happier choices myself, instead of just complaining about the bad stuff.

hi PQ lost my response damnation copy hYes I was just thinking about this jerk who accused me of wearing rose colored glasses as all depressed people were clinical and i said I have had my own life turned upside down my son was laid off and we used up all our savings to pay rent and utilities and then were evicted and made homeless., We got ourselves out of the mess and my son helped me to get into GoldCrest.So I have made myself happy by counting my blessings here,I have learned to be grateful for what I have as many people are not as fortunate as I am. Now I feel some call themselves depressed when they cannot buy some luxury but they have a really nice home, a good job, money in the bank and no debts yet feel sorry for themselves because they could not make even more money yet,.. So I felt I had paid my dues and deserved to feel happy again,.I did not deserve the response the jerk made to me.

I am a little mixed with the saying that we are architects of our own misery because I am a firm believer that we do not plan to fail but fail to plan. As such, I have to say that no one is actually looking for misery literally. I know some people have questionable choices on how they conduct and live their lives. But, being that we are imperfect and mistakes prone we cannot help slipping up every now and then. We are human and life does not offer rewinds and replays much more a second chance that comes with a clean slate. We just do not have that luxury but only another chances. Whether we will commit the same mistakes or not will depend on us individually on how we deal with our life lessons, mistakes and evolve. I think this saying is a little more critical and harsher on ourselves. Everyday is a challenge and we need to deal with them ourselves. Beating up ourselves will not help a single bit about learning and evolving.

Hiya PQ, I think that we can only try to offer advice to other people and if they see that advice is good for them then they might just take up on it. Offering advice or just talking about your own problem is perhaps the best thing in a way. I have read all of this here and I have to say that I don´t think that we make ourselves unhappy knowingly or anything like it that´s all I will say about that. But I do understand what most people are saying too. I sat next to a lady who could not stop crying not too long back and she was in a really bad depression and time and time again I have found that these people do not have any idea what is the cause of their depression. They only want to be happy like everyone else you see but they cannot seem to break the cycle of the depression. But they do try to work it out. The cause for their unhappiness and depression could be anything. I knew one her family was the direct cause of her problems right from the start. Just felt I had to say that but unhappiness is most often inflicted by other people and other causes over which we have no control at all.

Yes sometimes we are the architects of our own misery. I couldn't answer yesterday as mylot was not loading up for me. The thing is we have to see it for ourselves, firstly and secondly we have to be able to do something about it. But many people are more afraid of the unknown, meaning trying something different than they are of the problem they have.

Well said. I'm with you all the way. Some people just wouldn't be happy if they weren't miserable.

I'm not sure that I can agree that it is a choice. I really don't think that anyone actually deliberatly chooses to be miserable. I think that some of us are better equipped emotionally to pull ourselves out from that dark spot that we all have visited at times. I know it is hard to understand if you are not one of those people. I actually have an ability to find a way to smile and really smile even at times when my whole world seems to be crashing. I had a very negative mother and a very positive father and aunt. My councelor told me that I was lucky to have a balance and that that was probably what gave me the strength to get away from the abusive relationship I was in. Circumstances can put a person into a spiral of where you are just surviving day to day and can't see beyond into any kind of future...been there. It can take up all of your time and energy to just deal with one blow after another. I could write all day and it probably makes no sense to someone on the outside. I just can't go along with the thought that happiness is a choice. I do think it is something that we have in our control but it is also something that we all want and some just haven't/can't yet manage the controls or even realize they are there. Feelings are feelings...no choice in how we feel.

I think the same way. You can see that above my photo on my page here at myLot. It says, "It's not what happens to us in life that matters; what matters is how we deal with it." I've often thought of the problems that come my way are simply experiences. I've learned to deal with everything that comes my way without complaining or moaning. Everyone who knows me here knows the poop I've gone through with my husband and I've done my fair share of complaining here but I've stopped. I realized that I was allowing his actions to upset me when I know perfectly well how he is. He's not going to change. I had to change, so I did. He still does those things and I'm still pretty much stuck here for financial reasons but I'm no longer allowing him to get me upset. I just walk away or get busy doing things I enjoy whenever he's being an azz. I used to get upset at stupid drivers, those drivers who break laws left and right, the ones who act as if they are better than everyone else and need to get wherever they're going faster than everyone else. Now, I just let them pass and think that they are their own worst enemies, they have to live with themselves and they most likely have very miserable lives. Yep, some people live for drama. Some can NOT be soothed or helped. They need to let everyone around them know just how awful their lives are, how stressed they are, how they are so alone with everything, blah blah blah. These people just love the drama. They want tons of sympathy but never EVER want advice or help. I feel sad for them, too, because they are wasting their short lives being miserable when it takes so little to be grateful, to smile.

I do believe that we do bring certain energy to us by the people we bring close to us. It is the choices we make for ourselves. And yes, a lot of the women on here could have better lives by choosing better men and friends. Breaking the chain means changing the cycle and bringing better energy to you. I do agree that if we can't help ourselves a professional should be invited in to help. I feel I need to explain my reasoning here. I have chosen to live here with my daughter and her son. I have chosen this for myself because she begged me, needed me and I love her. Professionals will occasionally tell me that I need to help myself and not make myself sick in trying to be here and help her and hers. But I tell them I would also worry and feel that she can't do it alone. She has a learning disability and had the ambilical cord wrapped around her neck several times at birth. I know she is a little delayed because of this. And I don't want to see her lose her son, she already lost one. She would lose it BIG time if that should ever happen. So, this being said-- In the past I have gone to a counselor ongoing. Meaning weekly and continuansely. But since January 2012 they changed their programs in all the facilities and we can no longer get free counseling from the newbies coming in and needing hours of experience. And I can't afford to pay for weekly counseling even at sliding scale prices. So I decided to utilize my friends here at Mylot. About 10-12 women most of which are around my age and who are relatively focused and with good heads on their shoulders. I appreciate their opinions, their experiences, their input. And, since I don't have a lot of friends out here(my BFF is in Oklahoma)that I can talk to on an ongoing basis I do it on here. I think I have made some great friends in the last nearly six years I have been on here. I appreciate and value their opinions. I don't think negativity drives me on a day-to-day basis but severe depression means I am in some form of depression every day. That lends into quite a bit of negativity on a daily basis. That coupled with my daughter's behavior at times(immature and irrational) and my grandsons out bursts it can be pretty negative. Its hard to be positive. I try to remind her to be and sometimes it helps. I talk to my GS and sometimes that helps too. But yes, at times I feel I am in a negative vaccum. Its not easy. But I think the bottom line here is that I try to do the best I can with my short comings. And if coming here to vent at times is negative I don't really care. I need it, it helps me and I appreciate the friends I have made here for responding. I don't want to be miserable and so I come here to help myself. I think that that is pretty positive. Don't you?

well sorry to say i dont think its a choice for everyone. ive tried being content and happy all to no avail. and yes theres times it actually works for a whole day. but theres something medical going on and no matter how many tests, doctor visits etc. i have they dont seem to have figured it out yet nor have i. worst part is that over time my symptoms even seem to change. like today it wasnt my stomach for a change. it was not wanting to get up and move around. and when i made myself, my eyes started being funny. like strange flashes etc. now im thinking i may have to see an eye doctor to find out if i could have glaucoma, cause son said he didnt know what else causes such things. anyway, my thought is that at times we cant help it and yes, i do come here to get advice and i often get advice that helps ive often listened to your advice thats helped at times.

I do think there are things we can't do anything about, but it's up to us how we react after something happening. Sometimes, instead of self-pity and turning inwards, we should stand up and fight more, and grab every single opportunity.

Its hard to disapprove your way of expression. Still its again not wise to blame again and again and in turn repenting for the deed things. More a person is gaining wisdom from daily living, more he is acquiring intelligence to handle the situation. In case of driving, a new learner may face many problems due to his own wrong driving. But an expert even face similar accidents due to some tech prob in vehicle or may be due to the wrong driving of another vehicle driver. So it is always wise to find the deep route reason of the problems and keep yourself fit for tomorrow. WE should not either under estimate or over estimate in a particular situation. Thank you.

Sometimes, it isn't even worth responding to certain discussions. However, you still end up going in and offering the person advice. When I'm unhappy about a situation, I eventually find a way to change the situation. The new thing may not necessarily be quite what I had hoped it would turn out to be, but I at least change things. I know what my goal is, and I will keep making changes to get myself toward my goal. Sometimes, the things that one must do in order to achieve what one wants are difficult, but doing the same things over-and-over and expecting different results simply does not work.

Dear PQ, I could not agree more. Our attitude truly affects so many areas of our lives. I am a positive person. I deal with problems by choosing to look for a solution. We are all responsible for our own choices. I choose to be grateful and focus on the many ways that the Lord has blessed me.

Sometimes a person gets so wrapped up in the drama in their lives they don't see how simple it is to solve it. Can't see the forest through the trees so to speak. I think everyone is guilty of it. To change something is hard but to complain about it keeps it going and after a while it becomes a livestyle to become the victim. It takes sometime to realize that a person just doesn't want the help, only the sympathy. It also is so easy to get so wrapped up in the drama a person can't see they aren't in control of their lives anymore. I'd rather help a person honestly then feed the fire.

hi dear PQ as you see I am still playing catch up with mails. LOL. Seems I will never get through the tons of mails in my folder. It may be true for some people but in general I dont really agree. Most of the time we are just thrown into these circumstances we cant avoid them and there is no real way out. I am someone who will then think long and hard to find options how to cope with it but then the gut feeling comes that none of them is right or good enough or I could not live well and stressfree with the outcome if I do this and that. sometimes there really is no right and wrong and that makes these situations so painful

I also agree on this point of view. We are all lucky to be given the right to choose. We can choose to be happy or to be sad. Actually, most of us tend to blame other people because we cannot accept that we made a wrong choice. This is our scapegoat, part of being a human as they say. I should say that there are times also that I am thinking that after all my efforts, hard work and doing everything that I could, why is it that my progress is slow? But part of me is also saying to keep going, there is always a gold at the end of the end of the rainbow. Have a wonderful day!

I would agree that we are the architects of our own miseries. I remember a verse in the Bible (Jer 29:11) that says: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." My understanding of this verse is that we are never destined to experience miseries or difficulties that we cannot overcome. Yes, we encounter problems but it does not mean that we are the only ones suffering. Everyone has their own problems to deal with and it also not appropriate that we wash our dirty laundry on the streets - in this situation - we don't wash our dirty laundry on the internet. Being happy and staying happy is a decision we have to make everyday - so is being miserable.