I think I am single again, should I call him?
By besweet
@besweet (9859)
Ireland
April 1, 2013 3:29pm CST
My boyfriend moved in the same city where I live in October and our relationship was great at first but after Christmas we started having many arguments. My problem was that I didn't see him enough, even though his new work schedule was better and he had some days off each week. I was annoyed because he was always postponing our dates and when I was bringing it up, he was acting like nothing is wrong and he kept saying that we have all the time in front of us now that he lives here. 
For example, on february we met only once per week even though we both had many free nights.
Here is what happened:
2 weeks ago I was out with my friends and when we talked in the afternoon, he told me that he would go to bed early because he was working in the morning. I was having drinks with my girlfriends and at around 1 am he appeared in the same place with his friends. I was surprised and angry at the same time but I acted normal when he came by to talk to me. I offered him a drink since we had opened a bottle of gin, but he said that he would go and sit with his friends at the other side of the bar because I seemed distant.
Later that night I went to his group of friends to say hi and tell him that I was frustrated because I thought that he was at home that night. During the night people where asking me where is he and I was saying that he is resting and I felt like an idiot. For some reason he was very angry with me and he didn't want to talk so I talked to the other guys for a while and went back to my friends. I didn't see him leaving that night and he hasn't texted me or called me since then. I haven't tried to contact him either because I honestly think that I didn't do anything wrong in the way I acted that night.
I am annoyed because we had 3,5 years relationship and he is obviously ending it this way. After a few days I realized that I also needed some time alone to think and I decided that it's probably for the best.
But I don't feel good that it ends this way, do you think I should contact him and discuss this or just let it end without any communication? Please don't judge me too hard because I am still sensitive on this subject! 
For example, on february we met only once per week even though we both had many free nights.
Here is what happened:
2 weeks ago I was out with my friends and when we talked in the afternoon, he told me that he would go to bed early because he was working in the morning. I was having drinks with my girlfriends and at around 1 am he appeared in the same place with his friends. I was surprised and angry at the same time but I acted normal when he came by to talk to me. I offered him a drink since we had opened a bottle of gin, but he said that he would go and sit with his friends at the other side of the bar because I seemed distant.
Later that night I went to his group of friends to say hi and tell him that I was frustrated because I thought that he was at home that night. During the night people where asking me where is he and I was saying that he is resting and I felt like an idiot. For some reason he was very angry with me and he didn't want to talk so I talked to the other guys for a while and went back to my friends. I didn't see him leaving that night and he hasn't texted me or called me since then. I haven't tried to contact him either because I honestly think that I didn't do anything wrong in the way I acted that night.
I am annoyed because we had 3,5 years relationship and he is obviously ending it this way. After a few days I realized that I also needed some time alone to think and I decided that it's probably for the best.
But I don't feel good that it ends this way, do you think I should contact him and discuss this or just let it end without any communication? Please don't judge me too hard because I am still sensitive on this subject! 1 person likes this
8 responses
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
1 Apr 13
Well honestly, if he has not asked you to marry him for 3.5 years.... Er... he's not going to marry you.
You've been wasting your time. He clearly has no intention of having some long term relationship, or he would have put a ring on your figure by now. Now, this is just me, but if you date someone for 12 months, and he doesn't make a move, his lack of action, shows me his true intentions don't include you.
Further, he's mad at you because you caught him lying to you?
HE LIED TO YOU. He's scum. Ditch this jerk. He doesn't respect you, isn't truthful with you, and doesn't care about you, and has no intention whatsoever of marrying you anyone.
MOVE ON GIRL! Stop wasting your life for some jerk. Why are you with this dirt bag anyway? Don't you have any self worth?
MOVE ON! DUMP HIS BUTT.
Time to think? Think about what? Think about how great it will be if you can stay with this jerk for another 3.5 years waiting for him to do something he'll never do, and treat you like crap in the mean time? Get a backbone girl. And stop wasting 3.5 years of your life. How many wasted years will you have left before most of your life is gone? Get a guy who respects you enough to marry you, and do it in ONE YEAR, and if he doesn't marry you by then... move on.
2 people like this
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
1 Apr 13
Well look... when you don't marry... you become a call girl.
You know what a call girl is? A call girl is a girl you have no long term interest in, but... she's nice to have around. You can pull her out when you need her, but when you don't she goes away.
That's exactly how this guy was treating you. Oh I have to get some sleep, we'll go out for a date. And then he goes out drinking with his buddies.
You unfortunately, were there. You didn't stay in the closet like you were supposed to, until he wanted you to come out again. Now he's angry. You are supposed to stay in the closet, like a good call girl.
And the truth is, I promise you, he was doing things while he was away from you. So no, the problems didn't start when he came back. You just found out about what he was already doing. The problems started when he never asked you to marry him, because he didn't want a wife, a mate, someone to love for life. He wanted a call girl, and you want something more, like all women do, and should.
Stop being a call girl.
2 people like this
@besweet (9859)
• Ireland
1 Apr 13
Haha! You have a unique ability to make me depressed and then make me laugh! 
I can't believe you just called me a call girl!
I think we have different views on marriage but I understand what you mean from your point of view. He is just a difficult person to be with sometimes. For example, I think that we should give some space to each other sometimes, so he enjoyed his personal space and when I was taking mine, he was complaining. In general, I am a person who functions with logic and he is a person who functioned with emotion so he showed me how refreshing it is to act with your feelings and then he started being distant. That's why I feel confused right now and I am not sure how I should deal with it.
I can't believe you just called me a call girl!
I think we have different views on marriage but I understand what you mean from your point of view. He is just a difficult person to be with sometimes. For example, I think that we should give some space to each other sometimes, so he enjoyed his personal space and when I was taking mine, he was complaining. In general, I am a person who functions with logic and he is a person who functioned with emotion so he showed me how refreshing it is to act with your feelings and then he started being distant. That's why I feel confused right now and I am not sure how I should deal with it.1 person likes this
@besweet (9859)
• Ireland
1 Apr 13
I think I am going to be depressed now! 
But it helps for some reason..
The marriage subject is something that we didn't discuss because I am not planning to take that step yet. But concerning the reason of this "argument", I also think that I should be angry and I don't understand why he wants to look like the one who should complain. My friends also told me the same, even though I haven't discussed it openly with them yet.
He has treated me very well during the relationship, the problems started when he moved back here. I know that he needed time to adjust to the new city that's why I was patient for a while but lately I felt that he was taking me for granted and I didn't like this feeling.
But it helps for some reason..
The marriage subject is something that we didn't discuss because I am not planning to take that step yet. But concerning the reason of this "argument", I also think that I should be angry and I don't understand why he wants to look like the one who should complain. My friends also told me the same, even though I haven't discussed it openly with them yet.
He has treated me very well during the relationship, the problems started when he moved back here. I know that he needed time to adjust to the new city that's why I was patient for a while but lately I felt that he was taking me for granted and I didn't like this feeling.1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
2 Apr 13
-sigh-
your boyfriend doesn't care too much for you, it seems. I'm not sure of his reasons. Maybe he's grown tired of the relationship and just wants to avoid any conflict so he lied and acted the way you did. He is wrong in that he wasn't being honest to you. He should have at least explained, right?
I don't think you did anything evil, but maybe you did something that drove him away. Maybe you should at least ask him that and end the relationship? Set him free. I think that is what you both need.
My boyfriend and I don't see each other often. When we only get to see our partners so rarely, it makes us frustrated especially when they post pone dates. It would have been better for him to make sure to set some time for you instead of making you expect and then disappoint you when the date is cancelled.
He is not being all that responsible and a good bf either. So I think you should dump him and you would be better out without him
This may hurt your feelings. Sorry, but that is how I see this situation. You might have to accept some awful truths.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
2 Apr 13
Anyway, when both of you are calm. You can ask to see each other and talk things without any strings attached. Keep it formal and be honest with each other. be sure that you both will be able to accept the truth. Find proper closure.
It should not end so ambiguously. If both of you had any concern or respect left for your relationship, you both would find a way to have a proper closure. if he is not cooperative, then don't force him, that shows that he doesn't care and he doesn't deserve you.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
3 Apr 13
I'm glad to be of some help to you besweet.
The beauty of being in mylot is that there are people who are honest and unbiased when giving advise. People are not afraid to be honest here and be able to speak their mind.
Anyway, take your time. think thoroughly what you want to say before facing him. This also gives him time to reflect. Remember, if he truly cares, he would be cooperative in having a closure, or he might even ask forgiveness and such.
1 person likes this
@besweet (9859)
• Ireland
3 Apr 13
Hi :-)
I think that when a relationship comes to the end, both partners are responsible. But in this case we both didn't handle it well. I also hope to talk with him one day but maybe it is better to stay away until I know what I want and feel stronger. Thanks for your nice message, I appreciate that you are taking time to give your advice. It is always helpful to get advice from people who are on the outside because those opinions are honest.
@bryanwmc (1051)
• Malaysia
2 Apr 13
do you actually know what he is up to when he is not with yu and is out, is he hanging out with his pals or ..?? just how well do you know his character? do you trust him enough? these things matter in any relationship.
the way i see it , if he really loves you, there is nothing better than to want to spend the bulk of his free time with you,that is only natural, you cannot get enough of seeing someone you think you are in love with , especially during the BF GF phase. If it is not so with him something is not right,can be few things , hurt ego, dented pride or just a feeling of "had enough, going nowhere, back off while i can feeling".
seems he is getting a bit flustered or exasperated at the constant bickering and rethinking the relationship, either that or he has other "thing" on the side, i am just making asssumptions but still thinking it is already strained now, what will happened if you guys decided to move in together or even get married..just sit him down at a park one weekend and hammer it out,don't hold anything back, but be level headed and not fight,talking is good for the soul, all cards on the table and if you or he don't like what is presented then ditch each other's butt.or make another attempt at it with a clearer picture of what is going on with each other.
1 person likes this
@bryanwmc (1051)
• Malaysia
3 Apr 13
from a guys point of view , i really think u ought to try to pry out what is bugging him b4 thinking of the next step.he may be disillusioned at the perceived lack of something , be it commitment or understanding , his ego could be bruised .
hoping for some initiative from you to make a symphathetic first move , then again , maybe it is something you don't know about and he doesn't want you to know,personal, financial , family etc, men are strange that way,i am one , i know, sometimes when depressed,or stressed out , inside we hope to get some tender loving understanding but our egos will prevent us from asking for it and end up keeping it bottled inside not choosing to revealing it hoping our partners will sense something and catch on.if both keep muddling on like so, then there is only one predictable outcome.
sort it out ,find out whats the issue and if feel you cannot deal with it then make the choice. Stay or go.
1 person likes this
@besweet (9859)
• Ireland
3 Apr 13
That is something that we should have done a while ago. I wouldn't do a step like that to move in with him if I wasn't 100% sure and with him being grumpy and distant lately, I was having my doubts aa well. I know his character and he is a bit impulsive but I did trust him until the change of behaviour. I don't think he has something on the side, but I don't know if he is thinking about it.I like to have people around me who tell the truth and he knows it, I don't know why he didn't clear thinhs up when he started having second thoughts.
@besweet (9859)
• Ireland
3 Apr 13
Yes, it usually has to do with ego, you have pretty much described him. I am familiar with many of his problems and lately something was going on at his work. I had also realised that some of his colleagues were not so serious about the job and since his work is based on teamwork he was affected as well. I am always open to hear his problems but in this case, I can't receive this angry behaviour without an explanation. I want to be respected and that's why I haven't made a move from my part, because I felt that I was traeted in a way that I didn't deserve.
It is always nice to hear an opinion from a guy's point of view! Thank you for taking the time to give me your advice!
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
2 Apr 13
Maybe you just need a few days to give him space then try calling him and talk things through. I know that being with him that long is not that easy to forget. Just take advantage of the time to think.
1 person likes this
@besweet (9859)
• Ireland
3 Apr 13
It's already been more than 2 weeks, so I got the message from his silence. Honestly, I thought that he would call after a few days but he didn't. I need that time to find out what I want for me,.hopefully we will make things clear soon. Thanks for your comment!
@Laurenlynn (715)
• Canada
1 Apr 13
Hi Besweet It sounds to me like a lot of the problem was lack of communication. I think you may need closure so that you can move on. It may help you to communicate with him see where he stands and go from there I wish you all the luck but without communicating you will never know.
@besweet (9859)
• Ireland
1 Apr 13
We are very different persons in terms of character and lately we had to do some effort in order to avoid arguing.
I have that in mind and even though it is better for me not to see him right now, because I might be emotional, those feelings will come back stronger in the future. We live in a small city and I will definitely meet with him outside one day. I know that it will be very uncomfortable. However, I don't know what I want for sure so I am afraid that he might have a negative reaction if I call him and I will feel awful afterwards, or I might have to start the "breaking up" process from the beginning after I meet with him.
Even though I had some break ups in the past, this time it is different because most of those relationships were short and I didn't care that much and secondly, I didn't have to see them again in my every day life.
@Laurenlynn (715)
• Canada
1 Apr 13
Hi Besweet Yes I think you still need some more time, remember time heals all wounds you still sound very hurt to me so I would think just take your time and go from there.
1 person likes this
@MoonGypsy (4606)
• United States
2 Apr 13
don't worry, you won't be judged here. i think you may be right about questioning where your relationship stands. you have reason to. i don't think you should just let it go without a last talk, though. you will need closure in order to help heal.
1 person likes this
@besweet (9859)
• Ireland
3 Apr 13
I will have to talk with him one day, even if I have to make a move. I just don't think that I am ready yet. But we live in a small city and I will probably see him outside one of those days. So I am not sure how I will react, or how he will react. That's why we should make things clear between us.
@KOSTAS499 (1624)
• Greece
6 Apr 13
Isn't it tiresome when things get complicated?
I would end it and get over with.
