Darn PIG!!!

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Bill and I were heading home tonight from picking up my sewing machine and doing some errands. It had been an interesting day and we both were rather tired and not looking forward to the long drive home. It's only 28 miles but it takes an hour to make the drive because it's back country roads. True to the "country" in the country roads, I am cruising down the road and what should dart out in front of me??? A WILD PIG! I couldn't swerve to miss it, I didn't have time to hit the brakes, so with a resounding THUMP I hit the pig. It wasn't a small pig like the cute ones you see on T.V., it was a 2 1/2 foot hog! I was sure that it was air born, but fortunately it stayed on the ground and rolled out of the way of the car. We got home okay, and there was very little damage to the car, but because of my insurance I had to report the accident. The call went something like this: Dispatcher: Patrol Desk Me: This isn't the emergency accident reporting desk???? Dispatcher: No, do you have a situation? Me: Yes, I want to report an accident. Dispatcher: Do you need a patrol car??? Me: No Dispatcher: Is the vehicle able to be driven? Me: Yes Dispatcher: Were you injured? Me: No, but I scared the crap outta myself...does that count? Dispatcher: No, then you just want to file a report? Me: Yes Dispatcher: Where did the accident happen? Me: half a mile from the lake turnoff. Dispatcher: Was anyone in the vehicle injured? Me: No Dispatcher: Was there another vehicle involved? Me: No Dispatcher: I need your name, vehicle license number and address. I gave the dispatcher the information of course, I needed to do this for the insurance. Dispatcher: Which way were you traveling? Me: West Dispatcher: What time did it happen? Me: About 7:45 p.m. Dispatcher: How fast were you driving? Me: The speed limit, 55 Dispatcher: Was there anyone else involved? Me: Person? Dispatcher: (a bit miffed) Was there anyone else involved? Me: No humans Dispatcher: Then there was someone else involved? Me: Well yes Dispatcher: Were they injured? Me: Well kind of Dispatcher: Kind of? Me: Well yes, they're dead as far as I know... Dispatcher: (Very upset) You left the scene of a fatality accident????????????? That's a felony!!! Me: Yes, I didn't think the victim would mind, after all they're dead Dispatcher: (Very authoritative)It's illegal to leave the scene of a fatality accident!!!!!! Me: I am very aware of that fact. Dispatcher: But you left anyway? Me: Yes, I didn't think the victim would mind Dispatcher: Can you describe the victim? Me: Yes, it was a pig. Dispatcher: (she regained her composure and was her normal noncommittal self) A pig? Me: Yes, a pig Dispatcher: Where was the pig? Dispatcher: You said a PIG??? Me: Yes Dispatcher: A pig????? Me: Yes, a pig Dispatcher: A P-I-G pig??? Me: Yes a P-I-G pig. Dispatcher: Was it a farm animal pig? Me: No, it was a wild pig. Dispatcher: I didn't know we had wild pig in the area Me: Yep we got 'em bad! In fact all 50 states have huge herds of wild pigs Dispatcher: What was the pig doing? Me: Crossing the road Dispatcher: What direction??? Me: (getting tired of explaining the pig decided to use my best Cop impression) The victim pig was headed west on the road, trotting at about 3 miles per hour Dispatcher: What color was the pig? Me: Gray and Black Dispatcher: How big was it? Me: Too big, I didn't get out of the car to measure it, but it was about 30 inches tall Dispatcher: Wow, that's a big pig! Me: Yep, my car shows it too! At least I hadn't washed the car...I would be very upset with having pig poop all over it! Dispatcher: Did you check to make sure the pig was dead? Me: No, it was a wild pig Dispatcher: Are you sure it was dead? Me: Not positive, but when I looked in the rear view mirror it wasn't moving. I couldn't safely turn around and go back to check. Dispatcher: Then you can't be sure the pig is dead? Me: No, I didn't go back and check its pulse and I didn't have a mirror to check its breathing. Dispatcher: (Laughing) I'm sorry, it's the form I'm filling out about a fatality accident...there is no option for a "PIG" Me: Well there is another point about checking a wild pig to see if it's dead...wild pigs are MEAN!!! Dispatcher: OH! I didn't know that, I figured they would be like tame pigs. Me: NO, wild pigs have a temper. Plus it is spring and well wild pigs get horn_y and when they're horn_y they're really MEAN! Dispatcher: Giggling helplessly...I never thought of that!!! Then you acted prudently! Me: Thank you! Dispatcher: I will send an officer out to finish the report. Me: I would prefer that you didn't Dispatcher: (Suspiciously) WHY NOT??? Me: Because I live through two locked electric gates and it would be very easy for the officer to get lost, even with a gps system. Dispatcher: (still suspicious) They can find their way, you've got street lights don't you? Me: NO, I live out in the country, it's as dark as the inside of a cow now! Dispatcher: OH. Then you can come in and finish the report? Me: Yes, would Monday be okay? Dispatcher: Yes, you have ten days to fill out the report...you really hit a pig? Me: Yep, I don't have a normal life. Most people hit deer, I have to do it up right and hit pigs! Dispatcher: (Laughing uncontrollably) This is the first pig report I've taken Me: SEE! I'm an enigma Dispatcher: I am soooo glad this is on tape. They won't believe it if I tried to tell them. Me: I suppose this is going to make the paper in the off the wall police reports. Dispatcher: See, at least you'll be famous Me: Yep, for hitting a pig! Dispatcher: Well, I see your point... Me: I was considering loading the pig in the car and taking it home to butcher Dispatcher: (Hysterical laughter at this point all she could do is laugh) Me: But I had a sewing machine table in the back of the car and the pig wouldn't fit. Dispatcher: Oh my gosh! I ache!!! It would have been illegal to remove the pig from the scene of the accident. Me: Well that's okay, I figured the pig would be tough anyhow and I didn't want pig poop in the car Dispatcher: More laughter Me: Besides it would have had a horrible case of road rash anyhow. PLUS, I wasn't sure it was dead, if it was just knocked out it might be a bit difficult...nothing like a pissed pig waking up in a Subaru Station wagon! Dispatcher: (Even more laughter!)I wouldn't have thought of that. Me: I'm almost positive the pig is dead, should I contact Fish and Game? Dispatcher: No, we'll take care of it. I will also send an officer out on a "check the welfare" call. Me: (Laughing) I really don't think that is necessary, the way the pig landed I am nearly positive that the pig is dead. Dispatcher: Well we will check anyhow, we have an officer that complains that nothing "interesting" happens on his shift, this will do him proud. He'll have to write a report on the "check the welfare" call...and it will serve him right when he has to fill in the "subject" box and he will have to write in "PIG" (More laughing) Me: Isn't it kind of a waste of tax dollars? Dispatcher: No, if you think about it if the pig isn't dead it could attack people or cars... Me: Yep, you're right. The officer might not be happy about having to check the welfare of a wild pig... Dispatcher: That's okay, he's probably bored anyhow. (More laughing) Sorry about the pun... Oh, how much damage to your car? I forgot that box. Me: I'm not too sure. I could still drive it but my boy friend says that there is damage. We'll have to check in the daylight. Dispatcher: I think that about covers the report, come in Monday to the office to finish the report...Thank you for a fun evening, your boyfriend must love your life...not everyone gets to hit a pig! Me: He does have some moments with me, this was one of them! Well have a great evening. I have such admiration for people who have semi normal lives... I don't relish filing the report and calling my insurance agent or even getting estimates on repairing the damage..Can you imagine telling the people that you hit a "PIG" in the middle of the road? Even as I was driving home I had to ask Bill if I really hit a "pig". The really odd thing is that I asked the person who does the newsletter for our HOA to put it in the newsletter to be careful driving because I had sighted herds of wild pig a couple of weeks ago...so I have to come across the dimwit that was crossing the road in the dark in the middle of the busiest section of road in my area.