“Sorry! I can’t give you” I had no regrets saying so!
By kalav56
@kalav56 (11464)
India
April 20, 2013 3:55am CST
We had guests this week and I was the one who took extra trouble to get their phone number, invite them over for lunch and had asked them to spend the day with us. This is a cousin of my husband’s. There were three of them, one lady [cousin], her husband and granddaughter.
I entertained them with good food, special sweet dish and snacks and they spent the whole day happily. The gentleman was so pleased with my cooking and snacks and told me it took him back some sixty years back.
It was all great fun chatting and since we share a love for books, I gave a few books to be read [on request] and the lady spent the whole day reading them
All was well and they were about to leave after dinner.
She had finished two or three books and was through the last one [they were small novels]; this last one was one that she had not read earlier and she requested me to lend her the book promising me she would return it by courier.
This is one pet hate of mine; I will not lend my books and especially my favorite ones. I have taken great pains in accumulating them ; after coming to Mumbai, I have to travel a long distance buying one book and I spend the whole day in the process; and to confess the truth I don’t like it if the new look of the book is lost and it looks slightly worn out too. I had not given her any fat ones because it would be difficult to finish. In fact I had hidden them away too to prevent a request and embarrassment of refusal. [he he 
]
I did not want to lend this book now.
I hesitated and gently said “There are only ten or fifteen pages more; why don’t you just finish it fast.”
And later followed it by a reluctant “oooooo-----k” in a miserable voice [he he he 
] but by then she glanced through it and left it behind.
I also profusely invited her the next time to come and spend a few days with us when she can read much more.
There is a distinct possibility that she might have been offended but I could not help it.
I thought it is wiser to say things straightaway and not wait for another occasion to do it after a repeat request.
Don’t you feel it is wiser to be upfront than give something and regret later?
It would also clearly indicate my stance and a person would hesitate before asking; isn’t it?
I am finicky when it comes to my books.
What to do! I just cannot help it nor do I have regrets.
You would have had such experiences in many things.
Please do share your views and experiences.
]
I did not want to lend this book now.
I hesitated and gently said “There are only ten or fifteen pages more; why don’t you just finish it fast.”
And later followed it by a reluctant “oooooo-----k” in a miserable voice [he he he ] but by then she glanced through it and left it behind.
I also profusely invited her the next time to come and spend a few days with us when she can read much more.
There is a distinct possibility that she might have been offended but I could not help it.
I thought it is wiser to say things straightaway and not wait for another occasion to do it after a repeat request.
Don’t you feel it is wiser to be upfront than give something and regret later?
It would also clearly indicate my stance and a person would hesitate before asking; isn’t it?
I am finicky when it comes to my books.
What to do! I just cannot help it nor do I have regrets.
You would have had such experiences in many things.
Please do share your views and experiences.6 people like this
18 responses
@allknowing (136080)
• India
20 Apr 13
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend" - Shakespeare
When it comes to books you can rest assured they will never be returned. That applies to even when a pen is borrowed. Somehow these two things have that stigma attached.
You politely handled the mattere. I see no issue at all.
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
20 Apr 13
Thank you very much for the response and you have understood the situation perfectly.
In school I remember having read a prose extract "Umbrella Morals"[AG Gardiner or cannot remember the author exactly ]; the same thing applies to certain things where we can be very sure we won't get those back.
I can easily understand the desperation a person feels in not being able to finish the last few pages but
I did not want my book to be packed and sent once again ; it will soon be in tatters; this is something I hate.
@allknowing (136080)
• India
20 Apr 13
My husband hated lending anything nor borrowing and that rule was strict followed. Once our neighbour borrowed our binoculars and returned with one cap of the lens missing. Ofcourse there were no apologies. It is better to gift something than lend anything to any one.
3 people like this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Apr 13
I feel the same way about my books. I don't have to go as far as you to obtain them but some are treasures/favorites and I don't want to lose them or have them ruined. So I understand fully what you are saying and how you feel. I also agree that it is always best to be upfront and honest with people. Life is just too short not to be. It is a good boundary to set with people. ANd, I think too that a person of good understanding, and good character would fully understand and not push the fact at all. People that are not of such good character might be pushy and selfish about it. What they want being so much more important. I hope you will stand your ground.
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
22 Apr 13
I have to take my hat off to you. Most people, including myself would be put on the spot by such a request and we would give in even with reluctance.
It is very bad manners to ask for such a thing particularly when you had showed such generosity throughout the day.
I love to collect books too and I can no longer afford to buy them as they are so expensive. Over the years, most of the books that have been borrowed have never been returned.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
24 Apr 13
Thanks a lot for both the response and the 
.Poor thing ! I know how it feels when there are just fifteen to twenty pages left and you have to leave a book unfinished. But I could not help denying it also. She accepted it graciously and telephoned me too after reaching her
place .
.Poor thing ! I know how it feels when there are just fifteen to twenty pages left and you have to leave a book unfinished. But I could not help denying it also. She accepted it graciously and telephoned me too after reaching her
place .1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (92474)
• United States
21 Apr 13
I think you handled it very well. Most people would probably have let her take it home, and then if it wasn't returned soon, or was returned in poor condition, it would have left them with hard feelings toward the woman. So you had the guts to put it in a nice way and now no one has to worry. Good for you. I love my books. Sadly, a lot of people are not respectful of other people's property. I have loaned many a book in perfect condition, yet I got them back in terrible condition.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
24 Apr 13
Thank you. I too was aware of it and that it is why I decided to be 'safe than sorry;it is sad to see your brand new book be returned in tatters and thta too through no fault of your own. We would ourselves feel miserable if the book is torn or gets to be in bad condition when it is in our possession and if someone else does it the feeling gets intensified.
1 person likes this
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
20 Apr 13
There are many things which i cannot share - books, my notes, pens, ice-cream coffee in my mug - no matter what you make out of that.
I have lost a couple of books, a handful of pens and hence I would never share them either.
The good thing that you did was to ask the gentleman to stay over, finish his read and then leave... nice gesture and a diplomatic way to handle the things. Maybe I could never come up with such an idea earlier
Maybe I could never come up with such an idea earlier1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
20 Apr 13
My husband is also like you; and my snatching his pens is a permanent bone of contention.Actually, the lady was the one who loved reading my books and I meant it quite sincerely when I invited her to spend a few days when she can read many more books at leisure. Since one of her sons is in the same place as mine, it is not a far fetched thing and that is why I refused straightaway tactically to avoid future requests.
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
10 May 13
Sids what a lovely avatar I am afraid although I can say no when I want to I hardly ever do,
not to please because I am the way I am I give without thinking really I suppose I should be more wary.
Bit more wary with money however much more lol. Love the image of Casper again have a great weekend.xxx
not to please because I am the way I am I give without thinking really I suppose I should be more wary.
Bit more wary with money however much more lol. Love the image of Casper again have a great weekend.xxx
@Professor2010 (20162)
• India
20 Apr 13
kalav
Sister where is my share of sweets, and the family picture?
About books i am like you, i will NEVER give, if he/she insists i will ask to sit on cough in guest room, air conditioner on and read there.
Why so? In the past i had given books to many, never got back so many, the few i recovered were in bad shape, i really cried.
My books some of then 150 years old are worth their weight in gold.
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
20 Apr 13
Family picture is still pending Professor! Son is abroad and I have to get hold of the old one somewhere in the comp. Regarding sweet dish it was one village ragi[Nachini] gud [jaggery] pancake like dish which found favour with the elderly gentleman.
Not too grand like a Rasmalai OR Jamun,but he loved it because it was very tasty.
I will make it for you when you visit my place.
I can relate to it when you say your books are worth their weight in gold and how you would have been in tears seeing your books in bad shape.
I can relate to it when you say your books are worth their weight in gold and how you would have been in tears seeing your books in bad shape.
@ctryhnny (3460)
• United States
20 Apr 13
I feel the same way about my books even if I've already read them. Sometimes I like to reread some of the books I have. I don't blame you for not wanting to lend your books to anyone. What I don't get is if they are visiting you why are they reading? That sounds rude to me.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
20 Apr 13
No no; the gentleman was chatting with my husband and the little girl was also playing around with my grandson. I was doing a bit of working and winding up in the kitchen and after that she was relaxing with the book. They were quite at home and normally, we don't take it amiss at all if someone reads after a while. She did not want to go to the nearby mall also and preferred to sit at home, chat and read.We would also chat intermittently; it is not that a person shuts herself up and reads in isolation. It is only a comfortable time pass.
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
21 Apr 13
Hello Kala!
There was nothing wrong in saying 'No' for a book which you did not want to lend. I can understand the situation. Many a times people tend to forget that they have borrowed something and they have to return the same. Once they have taken something (in this case book) they conveniently forget their promise and about the lender.
I am bit startled to hear that your cousin was busy reading instead of interacting with your people. If I happen to go at my cousin's place I would love to talk to them instead of reading or fiddling with my mobile etc.
There is no need to feel guilty conscious that perhaps your cousin was a bit displeased because of your refusal.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
24 Apr 13
Thanks Deepak! I am also aware of the 'morals' regarding books and that is why I decided to be upfront. The poor woman did not take it to heart and she telephoned me later too inviting me to over to her place. She was very warm.
Regarding this reading of books, it is alright a far as I am concerned; when a person spends the whole day, we cannot chat all day long and since reading is a topic of common interest I don't mind this. It is not that she marched in, took a book as though from a library and shut herself up with a book. It was only after lunch when everyone was reclining and relaxing that she did it; in fact I too a had catnap for fifteen to twenty minutes.
Then I was preparing some snacks in the kitchen when she made herself at home to read.
Actually, this has been my own practice for years together whenever I go to my in-laws- place; I will spend all my free time reading in between spells of interactions and working in the kitchen.
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
24 Apr 13
It is good that she did not take it to her heart and in fact reciprocated the invitation. Your point is understandable about she reading your books. You are right that the host cannot chat all day with the guests and they will indulge in some other activities during their day long stay. As you follow this practice of reading when you go to your in law's place, therefore, you do not take it otherwise, if someone comes to your house and browse your books or indulge in reading.
@Buchi_bulla (8298)
• India
20 Apr 13
Your policy of not lending books is very appreciative one. My daughter
is very fond of Harry Potter books and she wants to read it on the
very first day of it's release. She orders before hand and it will
be delivered at 8.00 AM itself and then she will sit and read and
finishes it on the same day. Of course, she will go through it again
and again. One of our relatives visited us and asked for the book.
They said they will be passing through this way and will return it
after finish reading it. Three years passed and we are yet to get the
book back.
My daughter's teacher, who is like our family friend, visited once
with her friend. Her friend asked for Dan Brown's book Da Vinci Code.
I gestured my husband not to give, but still he gave it. She said,
she will return it withing a fortnight. Two years passed, there is no
sign of the friend or book. 
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
20 Apr 13
Books once lent can be forgotten.I was not worried so much about their being returned because she may have done it after all; or I could have followed it up. but I did not want my book to be subject to unnecessary packing and transit. Why give and regret later?
Your experience is a very painful thing.I am sure your daughter cried. Why do we own books ? It is because we can read and reread them at our own will and pleasure.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
22 Apr 13
I 100% agree with what you did. If she is the sort of person who would be offended by your honest response, then she would not deserve your hospitality. Hopefully she understands and appreciates the trouble you went to in entertaining. If you loaned the book out and never got it back, that could harm the relationship much more than if she felt bad about not getting the loan.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
22 Apr 13
She was very sweet and gracious ; in fact she telephoned me today after reaching her place[she is far away from here-24 hrs by train] and thanked me ; I invited her once again asking her to come and spend more than a day next time she comes and also promised to visit her.If only I had given the book, the thought of the safety of my book and whether I would get it back would have really been a niggling pain within. I was very happy when she telephoned today.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
20 Apr 13
This is part of getting to know new people and letting them know you. You stood up for what was important to you and reguardless of what she thought, she now knows that you will stand up for yourself. I wasn't there but I might have offered a little more explaination, but maybe not. Like I said, I wasn't there. Blessings
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
20 Apr 13
True; if it were the 'old' me, I would have offered an explanation. But I have stood up and explained so much to other people who offended me[ in some other context of course]-- [does it make sense? it may not because my behavior was senseless]that I have got fed up with myself. Now I just decided to be upfront about it in spite of having to say 'no' [which is against my inherent nature.]
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
10 May 13
Hello Kalav,
Oh that is a one for me I have lent and borrowed so many things that I have had to learn to say goodbye to.
So many of my favourite Dvd´s have ended up whose knows where?
If I am in someone´s else´s house I never ask them to lend me anything at all. However if they ask me if I want to borrow it I might just accept if I know I can give it back to them in time if I know that I can´t give it them back right away then I will refuse and try to buy to buy it myself albeit saving a few coppers here and there and enjoy that item for myself.
Just the way I am and I respect the way people feel about their belongings as well.
Have a great weekend kalav sounds like you have a great collection of books too.
xxx
1 person likes this
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
22 Apr 13
I do understand how you feel about your books. And just telling upfront how you feel may be a bit harsh for them to accept, but I think that they should also consider your feelings. After all, it is your property.
@dagami (1158)
• Rome, Italy
20 Apr 13
my friends and i exchange books. we do this to save money. however, they are my friends and we've been doing this for a long, long time. sometimes, i also give away books to them after i've read them.
your situation was different. she lives in another city so i don't think the book will return. i wouldn't have allowed her to take it too. she can come back and read more books if she wants to.
1 person likes this
@hora_fugit (5862)
• India
17 Sep 15
Well my sister took one of my favorite books with her and then just migrated! I kept nagging 
she finally said it was lost in transition (it was not...) and I bought a cheaper and not-so-cool copy so I could read again.
But it was my sister and I didn't have any hard feelings. Just as much as little children feel.
Others know it's better not to ask at all. I am too possessive of all things mine 
she finally said it was lost in transition (it was not...) and I bought a cheaper and not-so-cool copy so I could read again.
But it was my sister and I didn't have any hard feelings. Just as much as little children feel.
Others know it's better not to ask at all. I am too possessive of all things mine 
@francesca5 (1344)
•
20 Apr 13
It sounds to me like you handled the situation incredibly well.
A lot of people don't like lending books, as they often don't get them back, and most people know that, as its such a common problem.
In any case you looked after them so well I cannot imagine for one minute that she would have been offended by your refusal, it is possible, that instead she was embarassed for asking.
It sounds to me like you were very tactful, you can start giving us all lessons in how to deal with this sort of situation.
@suni51 (3429)
• India
20 Apr 13
Hi Kalaji- I love my books as much as you do and I did not mind lending them to someone until a neighbor whom I found at a public library asking for joke books of a particular writer. My most favorite one (and I have almost all books from that writer in my personal collection) I agreed to lend him a book for 2 days, he came with me to my house and in place of one book, selected three of them with a promise to return in a day or two.
I did not ask for the books for a week later he told me that he took those books to his village and forgot to bring them back. I kept waiting for my books, meanwhile I went to Bangalore for few months and while I came back, gone were my books along with my neighbor to some unknown destination. Yes, they have changed their residence to another locality. I did not meet the guy ever since but made it a point to never let anyone touch my books at any cost, forget about lending them.
