What women want
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85146)
Shingle Springs, California
April 24, 2013 1:28pm CST
To respond obliquely to something somebody said in another discussion, what women want is to be safe. This may mean different things to different women, and I suppose there are exceptions to everything, but in general women want to be safe in a relationship.
They want to be respected for who they are, to be understood, to be acknowledged, to not be marginalized or mistreated or abused.
Some women may place financial safety higher than being acknowledged, or place hugs above words, or value a guy who can protect her physically over a good provider, but it is the feeling of safety that is the most important thing.
A woman who is with a man who makes her feel safe is going to be much more forgiving of things that bother her. She is going to accept him for his little foibles because he accepts hers, and loves her because of them, not in spite of them.
She is not going to drop him because his underwear didn't make it into the laundry basket, or because he didn't say "I love you" as often as she would like, or because he gets angry occasionaly.
Safety means trust. A man may get angry, but he knows not to constantly take it out on his family. A man may make mistakes, but if they are serious ones, he is genuinely sorry, and takes action to change. If he breaks that trust too many times, makes promises that he doesn't keep, does really hurtful things and makes excuses for them, and blames everything he does on anybody but himself, the love eventually goes.
A divorce that follows a broken trust and a loss of love is not an unjust divorce. It is a necessary divorce that is safeguarding the wellbeing of the victims of that breach of trust.
Women are not looking for superman. Women are looking for men who can admit when they are doing wrong, speak up when something isn't right with them, make changes when it is necessary to change.
Probably the reverse is true as well.
Your take?
9 people like this
22 responses
@ethansmom0129 (136)
• United States
24 Apr 13
I agree. My husband has his flaws, as do I. But, we respect eachother and support one another. My husband is a good provider, wonderful father, and he is always thinking about me and what I need or want...and I LOVE that! We have been together for 13 years, married for 6 and have 3, about to be 4 (in June) children together. He does make me feel "safe" in all aspects of our life. He is a big strong man, has a great job, great attitude towards us even when he is stressed. I just love the fact that we were able to find eachother and make it work. I can honestly say my husband still gives me butterflies. :)
5 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Apr 13
hi dawn yes I wanted to feel safe bu t also to be respected and not made fun of as my dad did to my mom.He abused her verbally which is just as painful as being hit,. Also to be loved unconditionally and be honored and cherished. I got all this plus in a a man who was a cockeyed optimist.He is now probably making the angels in heaven laugh as he used to make me laugh.It was so hard to know I was saying a final goodbye but maybe we will again meet someday,
in heaven.
5 people like this
@GardenGerty (160626)
• United States
25 Apr 13
It is obvious that you have thought about this a lot I think you may have mentioned it before, if not, someone else may have mentioned the safety factor in a discussion. If so, then it just shows that it is more universal than individual a need. I think you did a great job boiling this down.
4 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
24 Apr 13
All in all good points..
I think sometimes what we want can change over time too.
When I first met my husband I was fresh out of a bad relationship where I'd been lied to and cheated on a lot. I had severe trust issues. I liked my husband because I could trust him 100%, and still do.
In the first few years, whenever we had problems or I'd start to get fed up with a certain behavior, I'd just stop and think about the fact that he's faithful and I can always trust that.. then nothing else would matter.
He's got many other good qualities too. He is a good provider, hard worker, he's caring, he respects my decisions.. all that.. and more..
But after being with him for 12 years there are other problems, and a few other things I miss. He's got problems with his emotions.. he doesn't show good emotions and everything else comes out as anger. He suffers from depression and anxiety, and that comes out as anger too. He has never raised a hand to any of us.. and I'd leave him in a heartbeat if he did.. but he gets stressed and cranky easily and doesn't communicate things properly.. and this is where we have problems mostly.
So although trust was important in the beginning.. it's not as important now. IF I ever do get a divorce (and right now that's a very big if) then the next guy I look for will have a calmer personality and be more positive and less cranky!
4 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
24 Apr 13
Men and women both change.. lives change! Obviously my husband wasn't cranky when I first met him. He was easy going and carefree. He was a single guy working 2 jobs and loved to spend his money on me.
Then we had the twins and I had to stop working.. that's when it all changed. He was under more pressure, we couldn't afford the lifestyle he was used to, and he started resenting it.
He still gets angry about the money situation. He's always kind of put money first. I've often accused him of being a work aholic. But of course back then when it was just us and my 5 year old son.. it wasn't a big deal.
Now I get mad at how much he works, he gets mad at how little money we have. We both get mad that we don't have the exact lifestyles we wanted.. we're both stressed.
Where do we vent that stress? We can't vent it on the kids or on strangers..
It's little things over time that tear a marriage apart. When the twins were born and hubby really flipped his lid (he was super bad with the explosions for a couple years!) I kept thinking things would calm down eventually and go back to normal.. who isn't over stressed trying to care for newborn twins?
It has calmed down some.. but not enough. It will never go back to normal.
Plus now we both have wounds from each other. He said a few hurtful things, I said some hurtful things.. not enough to divorce over, but I'll always wonder if he meant them or if it was the anger.. you know?
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
24 Apr 13
Love the tag - you naughty girl
You have obviously given this a lot of thought and I honestly don't have anything to add except to say that I agree with everything that you have said. This is what a woman wants 101
You have obviously given this a lot of thought and I honestly don't have anything to add except to say that I agree with everything that you have said. This is what a woman wants 1014 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
24 Apr 13
That can be a whole other discussion. My husband is nearing 40 and is only JUST coming to realize the abuse he suffered as a child and how it's affecting his behavior as an adult. It wasn't until after counseling started that he even remembered his father beating him. He did remember his mother saying she wished she'd never adopted him and all that.. but he had totally blocked out the physical abuse.
2 people like this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
25 Apr 13
Trust can encompass so many different aspects. Once it's gone, it becomes hard to trust that person again.
My ex husband wouldn't or couldn't trust me. For years, I did whatever he wanted me to do. After I got out of the hospital, I was in PT several times a week. The trip was far from home, and he refused to take me. I wasn't progressing as quickly as before, and once I was back at work, I asked if I could join a gym ten minutes away. The PT said yes, but work with a trainer. So I joined, and because I wa Ted to get better, I went several times a week, and put my dd in the day care. One day, I decided to put my hair in a pony tail, and work out in shorts and a t-shirt. I used to work out in similar clothes, and to be honest, there wasn't anything sexy, but my husband accused me going to the gym and pick up men! WTF?
That was the first in a series of wild accusations that persisted for years. One night, he actually came to my job and waited until we were done. A group of us were going to have a drink to celebrate. He followed me to the car and waited three hours. When I saw he was still there, I got scared. My supervisor confronted him. And he continued to make my life at that job he11-we lost our phone privileges due to him calling me incessantly!
After that, I was ready for divorce. I did not feel safe any longer-at home or at work. I brought home at least half the money, and I knew I could go back to my parents, but after that summer, I was done. And there wasn't anything left-once that trust was gone, I no longer felt safe.
I just want love and trust first now. My last boyfriend couldn't trust me enough, and I didn't feel secure. This one loves me and while he says that he trusts me, he sometimes lumps me in with or women that have hurt him badly-and that doesn't make me feel safe.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Apr 13
It does have to do with being safe. If you don't trust somebody or they make it clear that they don't trust you, you don't feel safe. If they don't take steps to restore the trust, the love will eventually go too.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
26 Apr 13
I agree 100%. I rather Feel the love than have to wait for a insincere I Love you." I rather have less money and his company than live i a huge house and Never see him. the one thing I need is his attention and his love and respect. I'm lucky I get all three! Plus he says the words! and Often! every woman Needs to be treated well by their partner. and she should treat them well in return. It is a great give and take when it is a good match.
2 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
26 Apr 13
Ok. If I send my email, will you send it to me. ( I'm so curious)
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
24 Apr 13
He may disagree, (I didn't catch your tag, thanks to Cythiann I did), but as a women, I wholeheartedly agree.. I think it should be for men as well, I mean if one or both don't feel safe, then there fear is going to rule the relationship and that is not a strong relationship.
In fact, I wonder what "some man" or other men would say to this???
I think it should be for men as well, I mean if one or both don't feel safe, then there fear is going to rule the relationship and that is not a strong relationship.
In fact, I wonder what "some man" or other men would say to this???@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
24 Apr 13
Hmm, I was thinking of the lamb dropping in with a comment like that..I am going to try to keep up with this discussion, but for once I am slightly ahead in my schoolwork, and since this is finals, I want to finish as soon as possible, yet I want to see how this comes out. I am keeping the link to this discussion, in case I miss something..
3 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
24 Apr 13
Somecowgirl likes this.
Pretty much sums it up. We aren't out there looking for perfection because perfection doesn't exist, but what we are looking for is someone whom loves us for our faults, and who we can trust to keep us safe, no matter what.
3 people like this
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Apr 13
I agree for the most part. And I think that that safety is different for different woman. More extreme for some that for others. Safety is even more important when a women has children.
@celticeagle (166761)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Apr 13
It really depends on the individual and what they have experienced in their lives.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100254)
• India
25 Apr 13
Dawny 
You put it so beautifully...there is little to add to this ...exactly what I think...very articulate...
I also dont think that many women look for financial security is meant in a bad way. I mean, they possibly fear going for work, facing dangers out there, or getting some house that needs frequent repairs and puts them in danger, whatever..so they do look for a partner who can offer them that much of safety for which some monies are needed. A few get lost chasing those monies...sad. To an extent everything is necessary...but beyond, it does not matter.
You put it so beautifully...there is little to add to this ...exactly what I think...very articulate...
I also dont think that many women look for financial security is meant in a bad way. I mean, they possibly fear going for work, facing dangers out there, or getting some house that needs frequent repairs and puts them in danger, whatever..so they do look for a partner who can offer them that much of safety for which some monies are needed. A few get lost chasing those monies...sad. To an extent everything is necessary...but beyond, it does not matter. 3 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Apr 13
I think some women trade emotional security for financial security though.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
24 Apr 13
Hoorah for Dawn! Spot on my friend. I know me and John don't have the most perfect relationship as far as er..the intimate side goes but I can honestly say he's my soulmate, my best friend and someone who loves me for what I am, not for what I am expected to be by other guys I've been out with in the past (and, believe me, I've been out with a few, even lived with one for 2 years), so I know a decent guy when I come across one, and John's that guy..even though it's taken me a while to find him. Thank God for the internet lol.
He is - without doubt - the kindest man on the planet. If I can repay that kindness by getting this house right in order to - one day - sell it, then, hopefully, he'll get more money for it and we can move into a slightly bigger place with a garden. Something to focus on is the key. Oh, and for those who say I'm not the compassionate sort, no, I may not give to charities via money, I give to charities with my time by signing petitions, that kind of thing. I do care about the world and what happens in it, I just don't go on about it that much on MyLot that's all.
Spot on my friend. I know me and John don't have the most perfect relationship as far as er..the intimate side goes but I can honestly say he's my soulmate, my best friend and someone who loves me for what I am, not for what I am expected to be by other guys I've been out with in the past (and, believe me, I've been out with a few, even lived with one for 2 years), so I know a decent guy when I come across one, and John's that guy..even though it's taken me a while to find him. Thank God for the internet lol.
He is - without doubt - the kindest man on the planet. If I can repay that kindness by getting this house right in order to - one day - sell it, then, hopefully, he'll get more money for it and we can move into a slightly bigger place with a garden. Something to focus on is the key. Oh, and for those who say I'm not the compassionate sort, no, I may not give to charities via money, I give to charities with my time by signing petitions, that kind of thing. I do care about the world and what happens in it, I just don't go on about it that much on MyLot that's all.3 people like this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
24 Apr 13
I'd never thought of it like that before. Thanks Dawn!
2 people like this
@joizee (502)
• Philippines
25 Apr 13
Hi Dawnald, nice topic again :)
Now I know it's "safety" all along. I can't think of a word to summarize all I want in our married relationship. I feel I'm wanting a lot. I feel his lacking a lot. But it's all how we manage to be open with each other. My husband's not that open to any of his feelings. And what happens sometimes is that when I try to let him open up, he immediately refuses. And I don't want to prolong or heighten the situation so I give in. I let him be.
I think constant communication, guided with active listening, respect, trust and love, can successfully make a perfect marriage. Couple should always understand each other or perhaps arrive in an agreement. I highly think the man should always give in to women. It is a sign of respect. Or perhaps, calmly face the woman's thundering nagging sessions. Because women likes to be heard, it's our nature. Understanding definitely is very relative. You'll be asked: when, how, why, whom will give it?
As a couple my self, I am always trying to understand my partner. Even though I'm the woman, I just choose to be martyr. I am now contradicting myself here LOL. But my point is, a couple should have extended their understanding of their partner up to the never-ending space and time.
Hope I contributed much to the discussion :)
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Apr 13
In your case, you've recognized your husband's limitations and figured out how to work with them. Nothing wrong with that.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
25 Apr 13
You both have to love each other and love can grow. So the most important thing besides being in agreement as to religious beliefs, is trust as well as not being in fear of one's life. As it is said, love covers a multitude of sins, but when it comes to adultery, i.e. the husband cheating with another woman and paying for her things, while neglecting his wife is a good cause for divorce unless he comes to his senses and leaves the other woman. Also a man should not beat his wife or his children and they can be separated for their own safety. Visa versa the woman should not beat up her husband and they can be separated for his own safety. That also includes deliberate neglect. Most cases I know the husband does come to his senses and gives up his evil ways, and they are reconciled and in some cases, remarried, but I have friends whose spouse cheated and they are now remarried to other people.
So love is more important and if one loves someone, one will not entangled and hurt that person .
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
26 Apr 13
But by cheating, the guy proved that he did not love you and that means, if he does not quit doing what he is doing, you can no longer love him in a romantic way but only as a friend.
@much2say (55562)
• Los Angeles, California
26 Apr 13
Right on, Dawn!
I think of my hubby . . . we're 26 years strong . . . and yes, I do feel "safe". I've had some good male friends along the way and at times I couldn't help but compare them to hubby. Hubby stands above the rest because of the very points you bring up . . . the friends fail the test of these points in one way or another. I feel pretty fortunate for having the man that I have!! 
I think of my hubby . . . we're 26 years strong . . . and yes, I do feel "safe". I've had some good male friends along the way and at times I couldn't help but compare them to hubby. Hubby stands above the rest because of the very points you bring up . . . the friends fail the test of these points in one way or another. I feel pretty fortunate for having the man that I have!!
1 person likes this
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
26 Apr 13
What men want...
Understanding. That we make mistakes sometimes, or may not be good enough for now (all in terms of providing safety), but we will try our best to make it better. Or not err again.
Or maybe this is just me.
Sorry, I didn't mean to dismiss what you wrote, so as to insist what we(men) want. Sometimes I just think it's better to lay these ground rules first before going into relationships.
And oh! I so like what you wrote here. Now, if only all men could read this, and comprehend it, then maybe there'd be better trust in relationships.
Sorry, I didn't mean to dismiss what you wrote, so as to insist what we(men) want. Sometimes I just think it's better to lay these ground rules first before going into relationships.
And oh! I so like what you wrote here. Now, if only all men could read this, and comprehend it, then maybe there'd be better trust in relationships.1 person likes this
@Misterbull (97)
• Maldives
25 Apr 13
As a matter of fact I object 77.7% of this...
Here in my place 77.7% of married women folks weigh more than 81.35kg and when that is mention to them,the argument begins and they falsely accuse us that it is a psychological problem because we stare at too many slim teenage girls.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Apr 13
Well if you stare at too many teenage girls after criticizing your woman's weight, she wouldn't feel safe, right? :)
@Misterbull (97)
• Maldives
25 Apr 13
I will fight for my rights....no matter what...so let me begin.
You see weight should be discussed first and staring and slim girls should be discussed later...
Now beat it...
1 person likes this
@dionysianspirit (161)
• Canada
25 Apr 13
You could change the title in this to "What men want" and it would be accurate if you are talking about one in a marriage. Men who get married aren't the same has men who don't get married. There is a major difference between a bachelor and a married man.
Reading this reminded me of any married couple I know that is doing well, man or woman.
In the sense of a bachelor man, this write up wouldn't apply.
1 person likes this
