When a friend doesn't support you
@andrewbarclave (485)
Ireland
April 26, 2013 10:08am CST
Firstly I want to add that this situation wasn't inspiration for my "losing best friends" discussion, it's just another thought I have had and is sort of a rant.
Recently I joined a band, well when I say recently it was about 2/3 months ago and earlier this month we played our first gig and tonight playing another. It's a battle of bands and as anyone who knows you need as many people going so you can get the votes to get through.
Anyway one of my so called friends said she would go to first gig and i think also said she would definitely be at the one tonight as well. So here is what happens, first gig she says she couldn't go cause she also really had money for a bottle of wine and wanted to do that instead and for tonights gig she says she has had other plans to go to something else for a while now cause a friend of hers is in town and they have made plans to do a certain thing.
I know she has her reasons but it hurts when someone who calls you their friend and doesn't support you, although don't get me wrong, I'm not getting too hung up about it cause I do have a decent amount of people going tonight. It's just after writing the "losing friends" discussion it made me realise am i losing her. I mean we haven't been great friends for a while, just good ones and also i'm questioning her ability to be a good friend.
I know this isn't a very insightful discussion but it's just something that has been on my mind and nice to get off.
4 people like this
10 responses
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
26 Apr 13
Good friends respect eachother and do not need to share the same interests. So you can also ask yourself: why do you want to force your friend to be there and like what you do or what you like? Are you a good friend? Are you only able to accept a friend for real if he/she is always there if you are performing? There are also other ways to support someone. For example by accepting you with your likes even if they are not the same.
1 person likes this
@andrewbarclave (485)
• Ireland
26 Apr 13
I never said I wanted to force her and there is more to it than I have put in here, although I won't divulge that.
As far as having her come, she was the one who has said all of these years that she loves my singing, loves seeing me play. She said she felt bad about missing last gig and wanted to see this one and I mean she is going to a gig tonight, so it's not a music issue.
I'm just ranting and am regretting posting this discussion now. Also another point I was around where her college was the other week and hung about so I could hang out with her. I just seem to see less and less of her. To me though she doesn't seem to a good friend and it's not cause of the gig stuff, she talks behind peoples backs, as plenty of girls do. I had her ranting about men the last time we were out. Like right to my face, saying men bad people, I am not sure what language I can use on here. Those weren't her words but she said it straight to my face and made me feel like I was a "bad person" too. It's not nice when a friend is saying that to you :(
1 person likes this
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
7 May 13
@andrewbarclave
People can feel it that way as if you push them, esp. if you invest way more into the relationship as they do, or if you always keep your word. I always invested way more into every relationship (partner/friends/family) as they did. At a certain point I quited with that for 2 weeks (I called everybody each friday to stay in touch ask how they are doing etc). Nobody called me. After 2 weeks I called them and their response was (angry): So! You are still alive! I asked them why they did not call me! (no answer ofcourse). I deleted them out of my life. These kind of relationships only cost you a lot of energy plus those people take you for granted. If they don't do the same for you as you do for them you have 2 options: end the friendship or only do something for them after they did something for you!
1 person likes this
@leateagee (3667)
• China
27 Apr 13
Friends ... I have a lot of them. I love them all. I don't know why I have a lot, maybe it is one of the things I love to collect since I am a collector of stamps, old and new coins, mugs, stationaries, blogs, quotes and would still collect other things I would fall in love with. Anyway, going back to the topic. Use this situation to be a challenge to your ability to perform. Maybe your friend isn't convince enough that you are good. Though you don't share the same interest she could find a way if she really wants to unless there is an emergency. Don't be bitter. You'll meet the real friend who'll always be there for you. 
1 person likes this
@andrewbarclave (485)
• Ireland
27 Apr 13
Yeah my sister is like that too, has loads of friends and keeps them too.
Yeah you are right. I can just use it as a reason to spur myself on. I don't agree that she doubts my ability but any reason to gee myself up is worth taking.
She would be the type of person to just message me when she has a problem and I ain't got time for that anymore.
@jennifer611 (2514)
• United States
27 Apr 13
Well, I know that things come up that can get in the way of plans but if she was going out anyways she could have just asked the friend if they mind stopping by to see you and your band perform, then went on their way to do other things. I believe thats what a friend would do. unless they were tied up at home with kids and no baby sitter or sick or had to work. but if she was going out I believe since she promised you that, that she should have came to support you! I have a brother in-law who is a drummer in a band. I would LOVE to go watch them play.. but I never have a sitter. but I do try to support him as much as I can, like when he needs help uploading their music online and I have helped make them a myspace and facebook page for their band. so I do what I can but for me its not the same I wish I could see them play. good luck in your music career and I hope you guys won at battle of the bands!!
1 person likes this
@andrewbarclave (485)
• Ireland
27 Apr 13
Well thing is if she was to come last night, she would have had to get bus up and back, just wasn't convienent. I think that's why she stays where she was, just so much easier.
Yes I know what you mean, I know a good local bands. I have been lucky to see them recently but there are times where I just don't have the funds to go and like you I will support them by sharing their music around, also funny enough we are going against one of them this friday.
Thanks, hopefully we can win but sure i'm just happy to be in the final.
1 person likes this
@fearlessgara (1113)
• Philippines
27 Apr 13
well, i can understand you.. for me.. "IF there is a will, then there is a way. if no will there is always a reason." I've experienced that many times.even in other situation life where you need friend you will be surprise they are the first one to neglect which is contrary to your expectation among them. anyway. it is much better for them to refuse instead of going there and then later when you got home. They will gossip and will say you just force them, the reason that they are shy people that they cannot say no to you. so she make any other reason as an excuse
1 person likes this
@andrewbarclave (485)
• Ireland
27 Apr 13
You are possibly right. I suppose if she went she would have been whining to her friend about making her go, sure whatever i'll see her this friday, play a great gig and show her what she missed out on.
1 person likes this
@inopiratum_a_medio12 (877)
•
27 Apr 13
A friend's mirror of simply showing that your not important to her since she cannot afford to spare time with you and at the same time her alibi's are too lame meaning unacceptable, first thing in friendship is to invest time and to do any of the following as few chit chats, favors to do, being helpful when in need, sharing good times together, knowing each other's behavior that makes us understanding and giving advice when the need arises. Don't bother to contact her again let she be the one to contact you, she's not that worth it at all the way you describe her.
1 person likes this
@andrewbarclave (485)
• Ireland
27 Apr 13
It really is like that and it's what i'm doing. I have plenty of mates who I can chat to, it's up to her to try chat to me now. I'm not gonna make a big deal about it and not really all that annoyed, just hurt really.
1 person likes this
@RAJASB (109)
• India
27 Apr 13
It all depends on the situation, it's not good to loose a friend if he doesn't support you, before coming to conclusion, just analyse the situation who is on the wrong side and understand your friend's situation too and if you are on the correct side and your friend is least bothered about you,it's better to keep him at distance.
@andrewbarclave (485)
• Ireland
27 Apr 13
It's a mix of both really. I can of course get her views on it, she is the type of person to have very clear views on what she is gonna do and when she has decided she won't change her mind.
It's very possible that we both aren't bothered going out of our ways for eachother, so yeah best to keep a distance.
1 person likes this
@hello_kitty1981 (44)
•
28 May 13
we really love our dear friend or friends. but sometimes day really hard to understand. maybe they have reasons why they can support you or their friends. but i know in other way around they always at your back.
in my part sometimes i do things not to support my friends not because I hate them it is because they do something that super not nice things. but some of m friends they always have my support when they do the right things. this is my comments only. hehehe..
1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12250)
• United States
26 Apr 13
I do admit that I don't like her saying and committing about coming to your gig and then changing her mind the last minute or worse, accepting something else's plans then ditching yours. I wish she could have been straight upfront if she already have other plans or if she is simply not interested, and that will not necessarily mean that she's being a bad friend.
On your side, I think it is too quick to say that you are already on the verge of losing her. Maybe it's just not her thing, maybe she's not just interested in doing that but that doesn't mean that she is not supportive of you; by the very same way that the people who were there can be automatically considered as supporting you.
What I would suggest, if you like, is to talk to her after this is over. Tell her how sorry you are that she didn't make it to any of your gigs, and you are worried that you don't get to spend much time together, or maybe how she wasn't relating to your activities. Then from there, maybe try to coax her into trying out and see your band play. Then if she finally decided that it is something that she really doesn't want to do, then it's okay. At least you both tried. And you can still be friends, just not into the same thing together.
1 person likes this
@andrewbarclave (485)
• Ireland
27 Apr 13
Well as far as feeling like i'm losing her, it's more than just this topic that makes me think that. I definitely won't have to coax her to come next time but that's not neccessarily cause we are playing, we are in a battle of the bands and go through to the final. Also her ex's band got through too. I know she will be more going for them than my band and also know she will vote for them and not us.
It is sounds funny that she would vote for her ex but it's an odd situation. She does enjoy gigs, she usually goes to loads but I think she doesn't like to go too far out of her way to go to them. I think also I would be fairly happy to lose her but I know I won't cause where I live everyone knows everyone so I know regardless I will see her around.
I guess I just don't want to be near as close to her as I was.
1 person likes this
@Ahana123 (139)
• India
27 Apr 13
Thanks for sharing your feelings. The best thing on earth is to accept people the way they are. NO one is indispensable and nothing stops for anybody. We get to know the actual nature of a person when we are in need. ..so it was an eye opener for you.YOu already have a decent amount of people to support you so why do you worry? Enjoy what you are going . All the best!
1 person likes this
@andrewbarclave (485)
• Ireland
27 Apr 13
Yeah you're right, we played last night and had so much support that we got through without any bother :)
1 person likes this
@sunilmishra7756 (4263)
• Moradabad, India
14 Oct 13
Your two hands are your best friends. According to me,it is not an easy task to seek a real friend. There are only a few friends who stand by you in your hour of need.
There is a great connection between your purse and friends. Open your purse and put many friends in to it.
Thanks
1 person likes this
