Confusion about the approach!
By grvdubey11
@grvdubey11 (1879)
India
April 28, 2013 4:07pm CST
Hi friends,i just now had long conversation with one of my very close friend.We are buddies from five six years since we were in college and she always shared everything with me.Few months back she got into a relationship with a nice guy ,obviously i was happy for her and then i did what i always do whenever any close friend about whom i care gets into a relationship.I did cut out the frequent meetings and conversations we had as close buddies , because i believe that when someone is in a relationship,he/she should give their undivided attention to their partners.In this process obviously they wont be able to give as much time to their other loved ones as they used to prior to getting into relationship,so the loved ones should understand that and act accordingly.
Now while i was doing this for past few months ,today she had an outburst on me and she told me that my behavior has changed.When i told her about my approach she said that i am completely wrong and i have no right to decide by myself.She also said that this is hurting her and as she is habitual of my support and advice as a close buddy. I was not avoiding her but was just making sure that she gives maximum attention to her partner as i care for her.I had to back up a bit as i knew that she will not stop all those frequent calls and meeting with me and she wont change her ways since she is in relationship.I just wanted her relationship to run smooth ,that is why i did so, is my approach wrong? should i change? kindly give candid opinions, thanks a lot
3 people like this
8 responses
@dagami (1158)
• Rome, Italy
28 Apr 13
i have plenty of male and female friends and we never drifted apart even if i was in a relationship during my younger years. they befriended by BF and he became part of our group. of course i spent time alone with my BF but since he knew how i valued my friends, he tried to fit in.
people who are in a relationship do not always want to be alone and away from others. sometimes they also want to mingle and have fun with the rest of their friends. i hope you understand the position of your friend and renew your closeness with her. if her BF is an open minded guy, he will know that he has nothing to be jealous about.
something nags me however and since you asked us to be candid so i'll ask: did you stay away because you couldn't bear to see her with him? i hope you don't mind my asking this question. if the answer is no, then befriend her BF too. you'll have a long friendship if he ends up getting married with your friend.
1 person likes this
@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
28 Apr 13
Well you were lucky that you had an understanding BF and you were sensible enough( much more than me) to maintain good balance between your love life and social life.In my case i am stuck in this position.I appreciate you for being candid, actually i am happy for her as she is in a beautiful relationship with a good person and i don't want that some misunderstanding happens between them because of me,that is why i backed off.I will be more than happy if she gets married to that guy.The thing is my friend is habitual of all the pampering and caring she gets from me, she is a single child who never had a brother or sister to share her feelings,i have that role in her life.But she is not understanding a simple thing that she has to change her ways according to her relationship.Anyways today i got lot of firing from her side and i have no choice other than returning to my normal behavior.That's a good suggestion however ,i will try to befriend her love interest and will explain this to him.Thanks a lot for your response.
1 person likes this
@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
29 Apr 13
Yes she is like a family member,it would be great if her BF notices this, then things will get much easier.
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@vandana7 (99882)
• India
29 Apr 13
I think she does not care for that man. Possibly she is hurt by that man. And she possibly expected you to stand by her notwithstanding her getting into this relationship. When you started making yourself scarce, she possibly read it as your opinion about her ...considering the society that we live in. Obviously, nobody else would be by her side, but she expected you to be. Another thing may be she likes you and not that man. This can be a serious issue then.
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@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
29 Apr 13
Hi vandana
Actually the guy she is with is very nice, that is why i want her relationship to be intact.We dont get nice people often as love interests, i cant tell by my own experience.She is upset as i distanced myself from her because she is habitual of my care and pampering,i knew she would not change her ways even after being in relationship and she would call me daily and meet me frequently like before.This might affect her relationship,so i will keep trying till she understands as that is my duty as a friend.She does not like me that way i am sure of that, we are just close buddies.Thanks a lot for your response.
1 person likes this
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@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
28 Apr 13
You thought you were doing what was best for her, but were you doing what was best for you? Sometimes when we put others first, we forget our needs, and she is probably hurt because you pulled away, doing the thinking for her, and she is confused and upset that you have done this, I do see her point, playing devil's advocate here, and I do see what you were trying to do, give her the space she needs to build the relationship between her and her newfound partner. It is a difficult situation which could have swung either way. I know from my experience that I do actually regret, with my best friend, who we were very close, then my partner came along, and we drifted apart, it didn't help that my friend hated my partner and my partner hated my friend, so it was in my partner's best interests to sever the relationship, sadly I did, and I lost a very good friend, who in actual fact tried to warn me about my partner, but of course I didn't listen, and I paid the consequences. I think it is a case in your instance, you were damned if you do, damned if you don't. I hope you can reconcile and she understands your reasons for why you pulled away.
@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
28 Apr 13
Thanks for sharing your experience.Actually like you mentioned about your experience that you had to choose between your partner and friend, i had the same fear that one day it might happen that she had to make a similar choice.She is habitual of talking to me frequently and share stuff.She is a single child and never had a brother or sister with whom she could share her feelings freely, i play that part in her life.Last thing i want is that her relationship gets affected due to me,you are right here, i am putting her first.Well I am stuck at this point and i don't have much options, i know she wont agree with my approach and i had to go back to the normal behavior with her but i dearly hope that her relationship does not get affected.Thanks a lot for your response friend.
1 person likes this
@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
30 Apr 13
I agree with you, if we care for our friends then we have to do this,its fair enough for everyone.Thanks a lot for your response.
@LegalAlien (641)
• Serbia
29 Apr 13
Brother, you are great!!
This is so like me, i am the same way man.
And i wish, any girlfriend of mine has friends like you.
It just makes sense what you do. You know when i was younger i was on a whole other level you know childish behaviour stuff like ''oh he/she is all this negative stuff because he/she got into a relationship and forgot his/her friends''
But when you grow you realize that that's just the way it is. And im always suspicious about guys who want to keep that super close relationship with my girlfriend. I don't care what the excuse is, they can be gay, they can be whatever they want to be.
Another thing i do is i always show huge respect to the boyfriends of my female friends. It's just a way to show them that i respect them and they don't have nothing to worry from me.
I remember my ex-girlfriend had these 2 friends. One was i guess a pretty cool guy and the other not so pretty and not so cool. So the cool guy was always showing me huge repsect and keeping a slight distance from my girlfriend (i mean not trying to be her best friend and all). While the other one was treating me okay, and always wanting to speak to my girlfriend and spend time with her and all that stuff.
So one day my girl turns to me and asks me why do i have a problem with the not so cool guy. But i dont have a problem with the cool guy who is clearly better looking and much cooler. Well, i had to explain it to her... ![](/Content/images/emotes/happy.gif)
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@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
30 Apr 13
Thanks mate, i am glad that you have the same approach, i appreciate that.With the example you mentioned its clear that closeness with best friend does not go well in a relationship.One should give maximum attention to his/her love interest.A real best friend will understand if you are not able to give the time like you used to.Unfortunately there are lot of people like the not so cool guy you mentioned,who would always try to come in between,its damn irritating man.That is why i backed off in this case, because i care for my friend.I may be wrong but i feel that there are many guys who do friendship with a girl so that they can convince her to date later on,if during this process the girl gets committed to someone else they try to create problems between the couple by purposely getting in between.Thanks a lot for your response.
@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
30 Apr 13
That's very interesting,the girl should have believed when you warned about that loser.Actually if the guy has problems with all male friends then i can understand why someone would ignore the warnings.But if the boyfriend is uncomfortable about a certain friend then one should always give a serious thought to it.But the normal reaction would be he is getting possessive and want to curb my social life,why to generalize unnecessarily?Focus should be on solving the problems not complicating them further.This logic is applicable other way round too though, i mean girlfriend having problems with female friends of boyfriend.
@LegalAlien (641)
• Serbia
30 Apr 13
Yeah sure. We agree.
There was one incident also i remember with my ex.
She had this friend she met a few months before we got together. And he was this pathetic guy who wanted to get into her pants, but couldnt. haha
So he played the friend card but i had figured him out. I told her but she didn't want to listen (attention $!ut cough cough). Anyway a month into our relationship we get into a fight at this party, after the party and she runs to a room crying i think. So i go the table with like 6 guys all fellow students sitting down and a few girls and i tell that friend of hers. There she goes, all yours, go get her and something like that but really upset. I was ready to take all of my anger out on him, i didnt even let him say a word he tried to speak and i reacted like shut up, ill kick your a$$ and stuff like that. So he stayed quiet.
Anyway the next day me and the ex met, and talked it out and made up. And then she tell me i was right about her "friend". She tells me when i left he went to her and started telling her how i dont love her and how i dont take good care of her and how she should be with him and he tried to kiss her...ohohoho sleazy little $s!t...
So at the end of the day. He proved me right. He proved her wrong (cuz she was trying to convince me that he is just a friend and there is nothing going on between them from either side). And she cut all contact with him from that point on. It was like a win-win-win situation for me
Anyway, we are not together anymore, it's been a year+ actually since we broke up. If i would see her again. She would probably have me at hallo. ![](/Content/images/emotes/confused.gif)
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@AndyTwin2 (75)
• United States
29 Apr 13
You seem like a really considerate person. And what you did is understandable. I just got into a relationship with a n=really nice guy too (in October) and I let all my male friend's know (the one's that i was super close to as in we dated, but weren't official or we had a thing) that I was in a relationship. And the reason why i distanced myself from them was the same reason why you distanced yourself from your friend. So i understand, but looking at your friend's point of view, I can see why she was upset. But she could have approached you a little differently about it. And no i do not believe you were wrong. Maybe you could have done everything differently. Like how I told my male friends why I had to distance myself, maybe you could have talked to her about and explain why you're distancing yourself. Have you talked to her and told her why you did what you did? And how did she take it? Are you guys still good friends? Best of luck
@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
29 Apr 13
Thanks for the kind words and sharing your experience. Like you mentioned its sometimes important to take some harsh decisions for welfare of of our loved ones.Yes i accept that i should have acted differently,i thought of telling her about this earlier but i knew that i wont be able to convince her.Yes i talked to her and told her why i was distancing myself ,but she got extremely upset and now i have no option other than returning to normal behavior with her like it was before. Of-course we are still close friends like before ,she is like family to me,friends fight and then make up that is how friendship goes isn't it.Thanks a lot for valuable suggestions and response.
@AndyTwin2 (75)
• United States
30 Apr 13
You're very welcome. And I'm glad to hear that your relationship with your friend is still intact. And yes thats right. I mean every relationship is different and fighting is quite normal. And after the fight, the relationship is just stronger. Glad to know i was of help. Have a blessed day :)
@doctors2015 (45)
• Canada
29 Apr 13
This is like a similar situation that happened to me, but with a little twist. See the thing is there are two situations to this. 1. If you still stayed the same, it would be made her new partner feel a little uncomfortable, because most guys see other guys as threats, even though they deny it. Sooner or later, it would be become and issue and the situation would much more complicated than it is now. They would be in fights and you would have felt alot more guiltier. 2. Like now, you pulled away, but from her perspective, it was not good because she IS used to you. I would say, I think what you did was right, yes she is hurt by lack of closeness, but she should be content and understanding that you did it for her, because you are her very good friend. It is not like you completely deleted her from your life, its just that the dynamics change after a friend gets in a relationship. Its weird, but it happens all the time. Now if she was having a difficult time with her new relationship, and wanted her friend there, I am sure you would have been there. Which from your stories seems like she wasnt. So I def dont think you did ANYTHING wrong. To be honest that is a VERY mature and considerate thing to do. She should be lucky to have you as a friend. :) DW just have a talk with her, and explain it to her, that you dont want to be a threat to anyone or her relationship. UNLESS! she started to feel differently towards you, after being in a relationship with this new guy.
@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
29 Apr 13
Thanks a lot for the kind words and sharing your expierience@doctors2015.I agree with you about the approach of guys,there is a uncomfortable feeling about best friends of girlfriend although like you mentioned correctly ,they deny it or dont let it surface in their behavior.In a relationship one expects undivided attention of their partners,there should always be the positive feeling that love interest is more special than others.I can see that with the practical and sensible approach you have it was easy for you to understand the situation well,i had to do this because a friend should not be thorn in the flesh but a big support.Yes i tried to explain her all this but she is not ready to understand,so for now there is no option for me other than to go back to normal behavior with her like before.I will try to explain her again though.Thanks a lot for your response.
@Anji1985 (46)
• France
29 Apr 13
That was very thoughtful of you to do that for your friend. But I can also see it from your friend's point of view - as you said above you both are friends for 5/6 years, and if someone I know suddenly stops talking to me then even I would wonder what's going on. I have to admit sometimes it does happen to me with friends who I've known for over 10 years (but for me its because I get busy and I don't get time to chat) and one time they would send a message and ask if everything is ok, because they are used to the constant communication as we are close.
I think your friend will learn through experience if she's sticking too much to you and not paying attention to her boyfriend, and I'm sure her boyfriend will let her know as well. Sometimes its better for people to experience certain situations on their own so that they can grow and change accordingly.
@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
29 Apr 13
Yes i accept that its not an ideal way to act ,,i will try to find more constructive ways to act in such situations.I hope she learns from experience though like you mentioned,there are lots of responsibilities in a relationship ,one has to be dedicated to his/her love interest.For that one has to change and adjust ,that is what my intention is,to explain her best ways so that her relationship remains intact.Thanks a lot for kind words and response Anji1985.
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