i dnt understand

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As soon as I think I'm happy something ruins it. It may not be intentional but it does, and I keep it to myself. I probably shouldn't but I feel like when I tell people they push away from me and ignore me. For this reason I keep a fake smile on my face, I only tell them good things, I don't reveal the pain I may feel. I regret when I do tell them how I really feel. My only real release is usually the silent lonely tears that stream down my face as I drift off to sleep to only be haunted by night mares and restless sleep. It's hard to eat or feel good in general. I feel so alone even when I'm at home. I'm restless and insecure in reality...but to my friends' reality, I'm happy, I'm all smiles and laughter. To my friends the only tears coming from my eyes are from joy. That's who I show them so I don't feel like I'm ever a burden to anyone. The way I see it, my emotions makes it my problem. I refuse to put it on anyone else.