Feeling low.....

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To cut a very long story short (as short as I can anyway!) 8+yrs ago I was in a violent relationship and needed to find away out which I did by meeting someone online who rang all the places possibly to help me and my 2 young children at the time, 2 weeks later I was in a women's refuge 200 miles away from my ex. Within 3 months of me being in the refuge me and the person I met online started a relationship and due to my past I started to change I begun to be scared of going out alone or at all for that matter. Within 2yrs I had become housebound and have been ever since (almost 8yrs down the line) I have been diagnosed with a severe panic disorder. My problem is that I'd love another child with my partner but he's already said no and has made it as clear as possible he will not want another one that's final! We're engaged and have been for nearly a year now, I have already brought everything you could possibly need to get married I was completely excited in the thoughts of marrying my partner this was until last weekend..... We was invited to my brothers wedding and that's when everything changed.! I stood and watched them both say there vowels to each other and as the day went on I was happy for them but begun questioning things like why would anyone spend that amount of money to have the same as what they had before just a different name. As you can kinda guess I'm not religious at all. I do love my partner more than anything (apart from my children) I don't want all the fuss and I don't want to have anyone present should we get married but by law in the UK you have to have 2 witnesses then the baby part comes into this as well as being housebound. These are the things I'm confused and scared about: Being housebound --- Partner says "why don't get help with it" I don't go out alone at all I'm scared that as it's been so long that I have been out alone if I was able to would it change me and my partner?? Would I want to spend less time with him as we work at home together 7 days a week. Would I want to do everything alone and not let him do anything with me.? Having a baby -- This one isn't something I've jumped into wanting it's been nearly 5yrs since I told my partner my feelings and he has always said no and then he see's me upset and says "if you want one I'll do it for you" I've always said no to this comment as I believe to make a relationship work you need to agree together and not be one sided. In a selfish kinda way I'd love to say yes but as I respect him it's not even something I could even contemplate doing! Marriage --- As I said I was completely looking forward to marrying my partner up until we attended my brothers wedding, my partner was the one who always said it's just a piece of paper when we first met but over the years he'd changed his mind. Why have I decided that now I don't want to get married?? I don't want to get married to prove I love my partner or to show my commitment I've been with him for 8yrs why do I need to prove I'm committed?? The biggest issue I have is that I see my partner as my hero if it wasn't for him I'd hate to think what would of happened, I feel like I owe him my life my children's life's, I feel selfish for wanting another child with him as he gave us our life's.! I'm scared of not being housebound as I don't know anything different I don't want to feel what it feels like to go out alone, I've given in to the whole staying in part of my life it's my safety net admittedly not a great life to live...... I just feel very low and feel like there is something missing and wrong, my partner says it's just an off day you'll be fine tomorrow but it's been a week since my brothers wedding and I still feel down :/ It took a lot for me to go to their wedding to due my illness we had to organize everything months in advance just for me at the church and reception it did feel great to be there out of my 4 walls I'm in 24/7 and I came back feeling more positive about going out more even if it's with my partner yet to be done though. I don't want to lose my partner but I don't feel the same anymore I can't put my finger on what it is.... :( Sorry for the long post..... Some times it's easier to write what you feel than it is to talk to anyone about it.