Do You REALLY Marry Your Inlaws When You Tie the Knot?
@Novelangel (394)
United States
September 12, 2015 5:35am CST
I've always heard that when you get married you also marry the family of your spouse...meaning that they are ALL now a large part of your life. But how true is this, really? When you marry into a family where everyone is vastly different from what you are used to, can you adjust and if so, how long does it take? Do you always feel like an outsider who just happens to have the same last name, or do you eventually fit in at some point before you die? LOL.
5 people like this
8 responses
@sissy15 (12335)
• United States
13 Sep 15
I'm not officially married to my boyfriend, but I have a kid with him and we've been together for 6 years, in most ways we may as well be married. I see his family a lot, and I like them, but I wouldn't say they're a big part of my life, but that's probably because they're all 4 hours away. Now my family is a big part of his life. He for the most part is comfortable with my family. I am not entirely comfortable with his. We see them like twice a year give or take. I like them, and they're friendly, but I just feel like an outsider with his family, and I don't see that changing when we get married, but that's not because of them so much as because of me, but he has a complicated family life anyway so he is kind of like an outsider in his own family in a way. It's difficult to explain his family. Anyway I think in some cases people do learn to fit in and call their in laws family, and some don't. I think it varies from family to family. We're all different so we'll all have different experiences with it.
3 people like this
@Novelangel (394)
• United States
13 Sep 15
Hi Keisha. I live three hours from my own parents and an hour or so away from my husbands family. But to keep things fair, we only see both sets once a month. Even then, his mother complains that we don't spend as much time with her as we do with my mom. It's true that we do spend extra time with them, but only because six hours of our trip is on the road, as opposed to two hours in her case. Thankfully, the other set of parents don't complain. They're quite understanding about only seeing us once a month. I don't feel as much an outsider with his mother, but I do with other members of the family, and I've been a part of them for the past four years.
2 people like this
@sissy15 (12335)
• United States
13 Sep 15
@Novelangel We can't afford to see his parents once a month. We just don't have the money or the time, so we have to try to make it there twice a year. They're pretty understanding about it though. I feel bad though, because they miss out on watching our son grow up. My family has the benefit of seeing them whenever they want.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (168721)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Sep 15
Depends on the in-laws. They should make you feel welcome and feel like a part of the family. But some families are very dysfunctional and that doesn't seem to happen. And, I guess it depends on how much you can withstand the disfunction.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (168721)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Sep 15
@Novelangel I think it depends on how much love and clarity there is in the family. If it is very disjointed then I wouldn't hold out much hope unless they get professional help.
1 person likes this
@Novelangel (394)
• United States
14 Sep 15
True, dysfunction seems to wreck any type of connections that new members of the family might have made as they marry in. Perhaps if you have a great deal of patience, you can overcome some of that. I don't know.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
12 Sep 15
Well yes, when you get married you have to adopt your spouses family as your own and they in turn have to adopt you. You have to get used to their way of doing things, or set boundaries for how you want things to be done.
This was a challenge when I married my husband, because his mother thought it was okay to just pop in whenever she wanted without notice. I like notice when someone is going to stop in for a visit, so it caused a lot of tension. When we told her she would have to call us before visiting she took it badly and got very childish and said "Fine, I just wont visit anymore at all" but inevitably she would visit and wouldn't call first, and it got so annoying!
2 people like this
@Novelangel (394)
• United States
12 Sep 15
Yeah, I find it interesting how family sometimes think they have that right to just drop in whenever they feel like it without warning. My own parents don't even like that treatment from their own children, let alone in laws.
1 person likes this
@Novelangel (394)
• United States
13 Sep 15
That's awesome, sweetroses! :D I think it's so sweet that you call her mama. I called my inlaws mom and dad even before I was married. I figured I might as well get used to it. Now I find out that my husband's brother's wife still doesn't call them mom and dad but calls them by name and always has. I would think that would make her feel more isolated from the family but she doesn't act like she feels that way.
1 person likes this
@cgalavia (1436)
• Philippines
14 Sep 15
@Novelangel I was used on calling them like that and I like it and sure they like it too.I don't like calling them by their names,it's like you are just a casual friend,asking for a thing or should I say no sign of respect.She maybe not comfortable calling them as Mom and dad and yes there are people like that because the wife of my husband's brother is also like her.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (472222)
• Switzerland
12 Sep 15
No, I do not feel at all that I married my in-laws. They were both very kind, my mother-in-law loved me as she was my mother, but we are both very independent. We never feel obliged to visit or to invite family members if we are not in the mood.
2 people like this
@Novelangel (394)
• United States
12 Sep 15
That sounds like a nice family relationship to me. :-) I get along great with my in laws too, but I prefer some independence from them too as well.
1 person likes this
@sprinklesare4winners (531)
• Avenel, New Jersey
12 Sep 15
i guess it all depends on how close your spouse is to their family ! and then again, how open you are and/or the family is to letting you in.
2 people like this
@Novelangel (394)
• United States
13 Sep 15
Hi Lauren. I can see what you mean. I think you're right. The family has to be open to you and you to them or you will definitely stick out like a sore thumb.
1 person likes this
@TiarasOceanView (70022)
• United States
13 Sep 15
I guess I dont have a great opinion of marriage..so for me yes..my answer would be even if you are not around your in laws, in my experience they are haunting haha
Really not enthused about any of it.
Hope your situation is better than any of mine were.
Really not enthused about any of it.
Hope your situation is better than any of mine were.1 person likes this
@jstory07 (140291)
• Roseburg, Oregon
15 Sep 15
I was really lucky my husband's mother liked me from day one and she always took my side on everything.
