Pony Up Bro!

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I’ve come to the conclusion that ponies make the best pets. I came to this conclusion after exhaustive, painstaking research that involved a trip to my local animal shelter. Actually, that was the entire part of the “exhaustive” and “painstaking” part of this story. But, in my defence, I tire easily and even typing this is making both pained AND exhausted. So don’t judge me. When I went to the shelter there was only one question on my mind. Well, except for the ones that are ALWAYS on my mind like “How does my spam mail know I want to date a hot asian woman?” But my question in this particular instance was about pets. So at least give me credit for going to ask here instead of a tractor store (those are really a thing). I walked up to the counter and asked “How many ponies have you had come through here seeking their forever home?” “In all my time here, I have never seen a pony come through sir” was the response. But then she quickly added “And may I ask why you’re wearing boxer shorts on the outside of those overalls?” I ignored her obvious lack of fashion trending sense and came to the conclusion stated above: Ponies make the best pets. You see, no matter how much you say you love your cat or dog and how you insist they love you, the FACT is they are ALWAYS TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM YOU. They are waiting for one little slip up to escape from your clutches. Simply leaving a door open will cause them to run gleefully away into the night singing the animal version of “Born Free”. Or perhaps “Born In The USA”. I’m not really sure because animal language is hard to understand. They say the same thing when they want to eat OR take a poop, so who knows. If pets were humans, you would be a stalker or even a kidnapper, holding them against their will while claiming to love them unconditionally. They would then have to wait for their opportunity to unshackle their ankle chain that’s attached to the radiator heater and crawl out of a small window leaving cuts on their stomach JUST TO BE FREE OF YOUR “LOVE”. But ponies will never leave you. The shelter is filled with dogs and cats and not a SINGLE PONY….ever! I think the facts speak for themselves here. You should set your cats and dogs free and just go get a pony. A forever pony. A pony that will not run away and make you wander around your neighborhood screaming the name “BOSCOE” (or whatever your pets name is) at the top of your lungs. THAT’S real pet love. And, if it gets too big or you need to move and have a landlord that doesn’t understand how awesome ponies are, I hear they kind of taste like chicken. Not KFC chicken. More like Filipino street food vendor “chicken”, but still. It’s a win for you either way.