Murderous Meat

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Vegans love to tell you that meat is murder. They say this right after they tell you they are vegans, which is the first thing they’ll tell anyone as if it’s actually part of their name. “Hello, my name’s Patti IMAVEGAN”. While their assumption is as wrong as a Tofu Kale Burger tastes, I can clarify it for you. Your meat is trying to murder you. This past week has brought two bits of news that will make you think twice about shoving meat into your mouth. And I don’t mean it THAT way you pervs. Unless you’re gay. In which case, I DO mean it that way and IT’S TOTALLY OKAY. First we found out that hot dogs contain HUMAN DNA. Does this mean there are HUMAN BITS in our hot dogs? The scientific answer is yes. That’s exactly what it means. Keep in mind that I base “science” on only the parts of an article I can understand. And since DNA, to me, is only something I care about should I ever be wrongfully charged with sodomy of farm animals (allegedly) and the CSI team has to prove my innocence by testing my swab sample (again, it’s not as dirty as it sounds so stop it), I didn’t get past the first sentence before deciding it MUST mean there is human in hot dogs. Probably not though. The second bit of news came from the World Health Organization, or WHO for short. I believe they intentionally named it that so the people that work there can say “I AM a Dr. WHO”. Anyway, they have determined that bacon causes cancer and should be labeled with a warning. Now when people hear the word CANCER, they freak out. It gets a knee jerk reaction much like the same one women give me when I say things like “Hello” and “You look nice today”. Except THAT knee jerk reaction is usually in my nether regions. My point is, I am creepy. But my OTHER point is people are being anti bacon now. So let’s take a breath and use some common sense here. Bacon MAY cause cancer. Hot dogs MAY be made up of the missing cadavers from medical schools. But here’s the thing. If you eat so many hot dogs and so much bacon that these things will make you sick, the LEAST of your worries should be cancer. In fact, if you use bacon as a substitute for salt, you’ll probably be dead before cancer can do any damage. Or you’ll get your own reality show on TLC right between “16 And A Pregnant Hoe Already” and “The Man With The 150 Pound Testicles”. Either way, the effects of anything depend on use. People have died from masturbating. And sharks. I don’t think those two things are related, but if it is you may need to learn more about that DNA I mentioned earlier. So while the news may appear bleak for us meat lovers (once again….NOT DIRTY YOU SICKO), I’m not going to worry about it. I’ll continue to put bacon in my chili and eat my dead baby flavored, forced meat tubes on a bun. I will also find out how DNA actually works. I hear there’s been a break in at a petting zoo.