Aging parents and assisted living?
By LeVay
@friendlyopinion (77)
United States
November 9, 2015 9:23pm CST
My parents are getting older, 80+, with health issues. My siblings and I have been increasing our visits, doing housework and yard chores - but we all live 10 hours away. We're all cooking and freezing food for them and checking in by phone nearly daily.
But Dad insists on doing difficult things when we're not around, and subsequently keeps injuring his back, shoulders, hip - you name it. And his driving is getting really bad. (They let slip that they almost got into a crash last week.)
They don't want any "strangers" to come and help. We are all getting nervous about their well being, and feel like it's time they move into an assisted living condo, but they are resistant.
How to we get them to consider making this change?
8 people like this
8 responses
@GardenGerty (160611)
• United States
10 Nov 15
Unfortunately they have the right to refuse unless they are proven mentally incompetant. It would be important that they maybe not drive any more because that could hurt others. My dad is 84 his wife is 95. Both still have licenses, but dad was a crazy driver even when he was younger. Her daughter comes and visits often and so does my brother, and I am thankful that they are reasonably safe in their home, but dad burns things now when he coooks.
4 people like this
@GardenGerty (160611)
• United States
10 Nov 15
Sherry also has a point most people do not realize--assisted living is not healthcare. Medicare, and medicaid do not pay for assisted living. Long term care insurance may.
3 people like this
@norcal (4889)
• Franklinton, North Carolina
10 Nov 15
I have my 80 year old mom living in a cottage on my property. It is frustrating when she thinks she can still do things, and I know she can't. Unfortunately, assisted living is not an option for her. There is no money for it. When she becomes disabled enough, medicare and social security will cover a nursing home.
2 people like this
@rebelann (112770)
• El Paso, Texas
10 Nov 15
You've got a tough situation, depending on how stubborn your parents are you may get them to agree to move IF you can prove their health issues are getting worse. Many are in denial for fear of losing independence.
@rebelann (112770)
• El Paso, Texas
11 Nov 15
Yes, exactly @friendlyopinion
When mom was 87 she started jumping curbs or getting too close to them when she was slowing down and we tried to show her by making her look at her tires but all she'd say is that it wasn't proof, she was in denial.
It's always easier for someone else to see the problems than to convince the person there is one.
@friendlyopinion (77)
• United States
11 Nov 15
I can only imagine the feeling of losing independence. I remember my grandpa crashing the car and having his license taken away. He was inconsolable, and became depressed. My other grandpa fell off the roof at 90 because he didn't want to ask for help. So it's a delicate balance to "help out" and "suggest" without hurting their dignity.
1 person likes this
@friendlyopinion (77)
• United States
12 Nov 15
@rebelann Oh, that must have been frightening for you to know your mom was still driving! My mom mentioned that she does't think dad should drive anymore. He's always been an aggressive driver, follows too close, too fast, etc. and his vision isn't so good anymore. Yet, off they go in the car several times a week!
1 person likes this
@friendlyopinion (77)
• United States
10 Nov 15
I've offered them to come live at our home, but they don't want to do that. My siblings live in apartments and we all work. It's a very frustrating and scary situation.
2 people like this
@Missmwngi (12915)
• Nairobi, Kenya
10 Nov 15
@friendlyopinion Maybe you should go and live there against their will
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
10 Nov 15
there is no easy way, I'll tell you that. in that same situation with my gram and I have a feeling one of her daughters, mom or my aunt is simply going to have to make her move. Mom, my aunt, and I all have the space for her. Me and my aunt have both offered, but...eh family what can you do? I can't make anyone do a thing!
1 person likes this
@dianadee (1778)
• South Africa
10 Nov 15
@friendlyopinion Well at least they have an adventurous spirit. Better than being too molly coddled and wrapped up in cotton wool!
@friendlyopinion (77)
• United States
10 Nov 15
@dianadee That's a good point! :)
1 person likes this
@friendlyopinion (77)
• United States
10 Nov 15
You're so right! I remember their parents (my grandparents) being the same way. Grandpa fell off the roof at 90 years old because he was too proud to ask for help patching a leak. My parents were so frustrated with them, because they refused to give up their independence. Now we're going through the same thing with the next generation.
1 person likes this
@Missmwngi (12915)
• Nairobi, Kenya
10 Nov 15
Someone who can go and live with them from the family or you can insist of having an employer around to check on them
@Missmwngi (12915)
• Nairobi, Kenya
11 Nov 15
@friendlyopinion It is normal for you to worry about them
@friendlyopinion (77)
• United States
11 Nov 15
That is a good idea, if we all didn't have jobs and families to care for. But they are very much against anyone else helping out either. They love their privacy and don't want to lose it. I'm just nervous that one of them will fall down the stairs or something like that.
1 person likes this
