Hello. My name is The Horse. I am a shoplifter.
By The Horse
@TheHorse (218927)
Walnut Creek, California
January 5, 2016 1:20am CST
So I'm sitting here in Contra Costa County Jail, wondering how I got here. It started out so innocently. I took my kid client to the Dollar Store and told him I needed a calendar for my office, and that he could get any three items he wanted. While passing through the household items aisle, I grabbed these sponges, because I always need sponges. I also grabbed three Parrot Brand Coconut Juices, because like them, and need to stay hydrated. I ran out of hands and put the sponges in my pocket. "Don't forget to remind me about the sponges," I said to my kid client.
In the check out line, my kid client and I were counting our items in Spanish. I couldn't remember how to say seven or nine. A Spanish-speaking guy in front of us helped us out. To save face, I was then teaching my kid client how to count to ten in French, which I can do. The lady who was checking us out looked Indian (from India) and she was enjoying our conversation. She asked me how to say "thank you" in French. I told her, and we were all laughing.
It wasn't until we reached my SUV that I realized that I had shoplifted the sponges. So now, I'm singing the old Root Boy Slim and the Sex Change Band lyrics, "Put me in with bad bad John. Had to keep my mud flap on." I'm glad they let me keep my cell phone so I could post this "discussion."
My bail is only $10,000. My kid scored a Star Wars somethingoranother, a medium sized screwdriver, and a set of precision screwdrivers. He wants to replace the battery in a remote control at his house. I scored a calendar, two Parrot Brand Coconut Juices (I gave one to my kid client), a packet of three sponges, and some time.
If you can't wire me $10,000, I hope you'll at least guess which parts of this story are true and which are false.
42 people like this
39 responses
@garymarsh6 (23404)
• United Kingdom
5 Jan 16
OH my word it is a good job it is not the 18th century you would have been transported to Australia
7 people like this
@garymarsh6 (23404)
• United Kingdom
5 Jan 16
@JudyEv It's a lovely holiday destination shame they abandoned it!
6 people like this
@JudyEv (340217)
• Rockingham, Australia
5 Jan 16
Well, I hope it stays false what with all the CCTV cameras around. We stayed in a very fancy house over New Year and the son of the owner could see the perimeters and verandahs of the house. I wasn't very impressed really. Not sure I like people watching without my knowledge. Thank God it isn't throughout the whole house. And I'm listening to Mark Knopfler's Secondary? Waltz. I love his voice.
6 people like this
@Sheilamarie78 (2586)
• Canada
5 Jan 16
There are way too many cameras around these days. I can understand at a store, but not everywhere.
3 people like this
@JudyEv (340217)
• Rockingham, Australia
5 Jan 16
@Sheilamarie78 It seems more and more private homes are installing them. That's how they caught a woman stealing Christmas parcels from front doors. She was following a courier van around but got caught on CCTV.
4 people like this
@kevin1877uk (36988)
•
5 Jan 16
WOW $10,000 for sponges, thought you said you went to the dollar store. $10,000 that's daylight robbery for sure.
6 people like this
@kevin1877uk (36988)
•
5 Jan 16
@TheHorse I'm sure they have been many people who have been busted and many people forgot until they got home and then realize they still have the product in there pocket.
5 people like this
@AbbyGreenhill (45494)
• United States
5 Jan 16
I did actually take something from a store on a dare, I am glad I didn't get caught!
5 people like this
@AbbyGreenhill (45494)
• United States
5 Jan 16
@TheHorse I wasn't a kid I was about 19.
1 person likes this
@Sheilamarie78 (2586)
• Canada
5 Jan 16
Shame on you, Abby! You've shattered my image of you. I would have thought you the squeaky clean type.
3 people like this
@DaddyEvil (137259)
• United States
9 Jan 16
@TheHorse Now you are dating yourself! LOL!
2 people like this
@ElizabethWallace (12074)
• United States
5 Jan 16
I work hard at never putting anything into pockets or the outside pocket of my purse, for just this reason. If I forget to pay, Murphy's Law requires that someone follow me outside and lock me up for being scatterbrained.
5 people like this
@TheHorse (218927)
• Walnut Creek, California
5 Jan 16
It's interesting how having a good time is contagious. In this case, the kid and I were yapping away, the guy in line who spoke Spanish helped us out, then the lady behind the counter got involved. It turned me into Mr. Scatterbrained as we were leaving.
5 people like this
@TheHorse (218927)
• Walnut Creek, California
6 Jan 16
@ElizabethWallace I'm sure I'll do it again. I'll try to remember to grab a little basket, but sometimes I don't see them near the door. Just one more item...
5 people like this
@ElizabethWallace (12074)
• United States
5 Jan 16
@TheHorse Sure. Having fun is a wonderful distraction, but avoid your pockets next time. 
4 people like this
@owlwings (43910)
• Cambridge, England
5 Jan 16
I am actually more concerned about Cellulose Sponge Scrubbers (3 to a pack). The image of adding water and propping up the resulting curvaceous and scantily dressed dolls against lamp-posts in a suitably sleazy district of the town intrigues me.
4 people like this
@celticeagle (167026)
• Boise, Idaho
5 Jan 16
I figure you did the same thing I did when I realized I had done this a couple years ago. I was by myself. Went back in and paid for them. She smiled like she appreciated I had been honest but never said anything. Made me wonder if this happens a lot.
3 people like this
@celticeagle (167026)
• Boise, Idaho
5 Jan 16
@TheHorse ..I always think I will just get two or three items that I can carry and end up getting six or seven.
1 person likes this
@mommaj (23112)
• United States
5 Jan 16
You really did get yourself in quite the pickle, or maybe jam. I'm guessing you and a kid went to the store bought some stuff, forgot to pay for the sponges(which is ironic, I had to do the same thing today,not steal sponges, but buy some.) and went back to make it right. You do have to be a good influence for the kid. Well my version is boring so enjoy your time in jail and that is a great way to ask for donations.
) and went back to make it right. You do have to be a good influence for the kid. Well my version is boring so enjoy your time in jail and that is a great way to ask for donations.4 people like this
@DaddyEvil (137259)
• United States
9 Jan 16
@TheHorse First offense, released on own recognizance, fine up to $250.
Could be reduced to an infraction. If it IS reduced then you could wind up paying a penalty up to $250 plus restitution and community service specified by the judge.
Second offense, up to $400 fine, restitution and up to three years in county jail if filed as a felony with a prior.
If filed as a misdemeanor with a prior, then it could be $400 fine, restitution and from 1 year in county lockup to up to 16 months in the federal penitentiary.
Third offense is filed as a felony with a multiple priors and carries a fine from $400 up to $1500, restitution and up to 3 years in the federal penitentiary.
2 people like this
@pgntwo (22408)
• Derry, Northern Ireland
9 Jan 16
@DaddyEvil And there was me thinking it was all at the whim of the judge.
1 person likes this
@Marilynda1225 (82789)
• United States
5 Jan 16
I can assume you really did forget to pay for the sponges but doubtful that you are doing time for your crime
3 people like this
@troyburns (1405)
• New Zealand
5 Jan 16
I don't think you were in jail in Jacksonville, but otherwise it's all true.Am I close?
3 people like this
@sgbrown (1638)
• United States
5 Jan 16
I am guessing that accidentally shoplifting the sponges is true, but I will bet that when you found them, you went back inside and paid for them. After all, you would want to show your child client the "right" thing to do.
This reminds me of something that happened to my mother one time, I will have to write a post about it! If you really need bail money, I'm sure you have plenty of friends here who would come together and bail you out! 
3 people like this
@infatuatedbby (94914)
• United States
6 Jan 16
Now we all know how to shoplift at the Dollar Store.
Entertain the cashier and they won't notice whats in your pockets.
Lol.
Lol.2 people like this
@Angelee_27 (3460)
• United States
5 Jan 16
Very entertaining story!
I will make signs that say "Free The Horse!" so that we can all stand outside the jailhouse and support our friend in trouble. 
Also, I have this handy, dandy "get out of jail free" card you can have.
Next time, use a basket please. 
Also, I have this handy, dandy "get out of jail free" card you can have.
Next time, use a basket please. 2 people like this
@Angelee_27 (3460)
• United States
7 Jan 16
@TheHorse Sure, it will look good for the protest.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (218927)
• Walnut Creek, California
7 Jan 16
@Angelee_27 I will attach a photo of myself that makes me look appropriately innocent. Could this man really be a criminal?
1 person likes this
@hereandthere (45645)
• Philippines
5 Jan 16
maybe they're already added into the prices (breakage, spoilage, pilferage)?
3 people like this
@PainsOnSlate (21852)
• Canada
6 Jan 16
I think we have all slipped something through the cash register without paying for it at some time. Accidentally of course and returned to pay the price...its better than paying the price in jail. I love dollar stores!!
2 people like this
@DaddyEvil (137259)
• United States
9 Jan 16
@TheHorse Oh, yes, sir! 
You would not believe how many people have said the same, gone out drinking with a friend and guess where I had to go to pick them up the next morning! 
Yup! Drunk tank!
You would not believe how many people have said the same, gone out drinking with a friend and guess where I had to go to pick them up the next morning!
Yup! Drunk tank!1 person likes this
@TheHorse (218927)
• Walnut Creek, California
9 Jan 16
@DaddyEvil Tonight, I drank Glenlivet with a friend, played some music, and made it home without incident. I'm not going back.
2 people like this
@paigea (36317)
• Canada
5 Jan 16
Once I put jeans in the cart which was full of our winter gear, and the baby. Then I changed my mind about the jeans and went to another store in the mall. I saw the jeans when I went to put something else in the cart. I was sweating all the way back to the store; sure the security guards were going to see the jeans in the cart and nab me!
2 people like this
