I Lost my Baby Brother to Leukemia and HIV

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Today is the 18 year anniversary of my baby brother death and fight with Leukemia and HIV. Over the years it’s been hard for me to even talk about this or remember this day. It was the worst day of my life. When my brother was 15 he was diagnosed with Leukemia. At this time my parents were living in France. For awhile he went into remission and was doing fine. However, cancer is never cured and it comes again. When my parents moved to the United States my brother went with them. It was impossible that he had a normal life. In and out of the hospital and all the treatments made it impossible for him to enjoy his life. Each time they told us he was in remission we so hoped it would last forever. Unfortunately it would last a year or so and again he was being treated. What happened next was the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. When my brother went in for a blood transfusion he was given infected blood with the HIV virus. At this time they didn’t test for the HIV virus in blood donors. We so hoped he wouldn’t get HIV on top of Leukemia. But the horrible day did come when the doctor’s told him the bad news. He not only had Leukemia but he also had HIV. To make a long story short my brother fought for 6 long years the two illnesses. In the end it took a toll on him and his life. My brother didn’t even get to see his 30th birthday. He died just a few weeks short of his birthday. I was called to come home immediately that my brother had taken a turn for the worst and this time there wasn’t much hope at all. I flew in to San Diego on Friday night and had to leave Sunday to go back to work. I spent that night and all day on Saturday at the hospital with my brother. When I first arrived I asked what room he was in. I peeked in the door and didn’t see my brother. What I saw was an 85 year old frail man lying in his bed. On Sunday afternoon I had to leave my brother to go home and pack. I was going to the airport from the hospital. When I arrived back at the hospital my brother could hardly talk or breathe. The nurses were standing around his bed waiting for the end. It felt like a death watch as they just stood there and waited for him to take his last breath. I sat down next to him to try and comfort him. What happened next affected me for years to come. My brother rolled over and asked me to come close. I leaned over him and he grabbed me. He wouldn’t let me go. He said he was afraid to die. He wanted to hold onto me. A few minutes later I felt him tighten his grip and his last breath escaped him. The nurses standing around the bed came over to us and started to pry his hands off me. They told me to leave that my brother was dead. They had to remove his body and I couldn’t be in the room. I walked out of the hospital in a trance and drove to the airport. I boarded my plane and left. I still don’t remember much of this day but the cold feeling I had inside of me. His hands clinging to me and his last whisper in my ear. For years I had nightmares of this day and I couldn’t shake the feeling of my brother hands clinging to me. However, today I made a flower lei and went to the lagoon to set it free. My brother ashes were spread in the ocean for all eternity. Today I remember my baby brother and his laughing, smiling face. I remember all the fun we had and what a pain he could be. It’s still painful the way he died, but he is in a better place. Today his mind and body is freed from cancer and HIV. Today I said a Tahitian prayer for him as I placed the flowered lei in the water.