Should I Just Let Him Go?
By Catherine
@bluesa (15022)
Johannesburg, South Africa
February 18, 2016 6:28am CST
I really did try being there for him. But, he has just shut down. It makes me so sad. Should I just let him go?
The, he, I am referring to, is this guy I grew up kind of knowing. His parents and my parents were best friends, so we got together now and again.
He is 5 years older than me, so always treated me like the little sister he never had, we'd hurl friendly insults at each other. He'd call me a brat, I'd call him a bigger brat.
Then he joined the Army, and well it seemed to change him, he became bitter, I would say.
He then left South Africa and went to join the Army in Croatia, his father was originally from Croatia, so he went from one Army to another, and I lost even more contact with him.
About three years ago we found each other on facebook, and the first thing he said to me was, "hello, brat, good to "see" you again". I was so happy, I thought I had my friend back!
Sadly, all he posts about is war, it's just pictures of tanks, guns, past wars, and when we did talk he was just about non-responsive, and very cool towards me. So I stopped talking to him for two years.
This year I decided to wish him happy birthday again, and he was, what I thought, happy to hear from me, he asked how I'd been, traded a few insults with me, and once again, I thought I had my friend back.
But, as we are talking, I more than he, it is apparent, he is dark, and bitter, and doesn't really want to talk to me. I try cheering him up, I call him sunshine, when he is miserable, and he'll tell me I'm a nut, but it does seem to cheer him up.
I think of cutting ties with him, then he will send me a cute sticker, and I'll think he does still want me in his life. Then he goes silent and ignores my messages flat. Any suggestions on how to get through to him?
Or, should I give up on him, let him go? I've done it before, not talking to him for those two years. Or do you think I need to keep trying to get through to him this time, remind him there is more to life than his dark memories he seems to be living with?
20 people like this
21 responses
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
18 Feb 16
@DianneN , I think he has. I do want to be there for him, but, I think I will have to let him know, that he will have to let me know if he still wants me as friend, Dianne, because I get so sad each time he goes silent and cold.
2 people like this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
18 Feb 16
@paigea , yes, it does make sense. But, I will now let him know that I do want to be there for him, but, he will have to let me know when he wants to talk. It is no use I slam at his silence, I think it is better that if he decides to talk, I show him I am there.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (100617)
• India
23 Feb 16
Depends upon what sort of relationship you are looking at it. If you are looking at it as a friend then there is no giving up. It will always be there. If you are looking at it like a brother sister relationship too, no harm is done. If you have romantic notions about him, or had them, you might want to move on.
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (64354)
• United Kingdom
18 Feb 16
If he doesn't want to know you any more, there's probably nothing you can do. However, for the sake of your past friendship it may be worth trying to keep the avenues between you open. It sounds as if the life he is leading has made him really depressed, and he may need you more than you know.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
18 Feb 16
@jaboUK , yes, I think I am going to leave him a message, saying , that if he needs me, I am a message away, and that it is now up to him if he still wants me as a friend or not. If he needs me I'll be there, if not, I will back away. I get too sad, when I see how dark he has become.
2 people like this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
18 Feb 16
You are right, Janet, if he shuts me out, there is not much I can do. I know he has been through a lot though, and so I am trying to understand when he goes so silent, and I tell him "how can I be there for you as a friend, if you remain silent" then he'll send me a sticker, and then I get a bit of hope. Maybe that sticker is his way of saying I am helping. I am just not certain @jaboUK .
1 person likes this
@Drosophila (16571)
• Ireland
19 Feb 16
I can sort of relate to this, I have a friend I love dearly, and he goes into these bolts of mood swings. I've tried walking away from him a few times and never quite succeeded. He always pulls me back with cute stickers and messages. So I've come to the conclusion, I'll let him do the walking away instead.
I feel your friend is like mine, they do want us in their lives. I also feel that sometimes they are too busy dealing with whatever that's going on in their lives. Maybe the best we can do for them is to just stick around, and let them do the walking away instead.
I also find when men go silent, the best thing to do is to wait for them to come out of their "meditative state". They don't talk about things like women do, but they will appreciate you being around.
1 person likes this
@Drosophila (16571)
• Ireland
19 Feb 16
@bluesa Yep! sometimes you can feel their pain is very acute, and I think women's nurture side kicks in and you just want to help them through it. But, I think some men deal with problems by internalizing it, or they will take it out on a different form. so ya, this make them difficult to be around.
I go through a cyclic "thing" with my friend, every 4-6 weeks he'd go snarky on me and we'd fight, fall out, then silence. Each time I've tried to leave, I just get dragged right back in lol.
So I've given up on it now, I guess with some people resistance is futile. And it's their rules, their engagement.. Best luck with your friend, I can appreciate the amount of dismay you must've been in. This kinda thing truly sucks!
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
21 Feb 16
@Drosophila , all you say, I can relate to. Oh My Word, like the Borg, resistance is futile, eek! Best of luck with your friend too! And yeah, this kind of thing truly sucks :/ .
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Feb 16
@Drosophila , yeah, it sounds like your friend is like mine, army aside. It is like they don't want to communicate, but, they don't want to let go of a person either...I am at the point now, where all I can do, is say to him, that when he is ready to say something, he knows where to find me, and I will happily be there for him. Or like you say, we be there for them, if the silences remain, so be it.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61101)
• United States
19 Feb 16
It is hard to give advice since I have no idea if he is suffering from depression or is just not communicative. War does change people but we should never give up on our friends. The friend you knew is probably gone but there is another new friend in his place, why not try to accept him where he is now and see what happens.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61101)
• United States
19 Feb 16
@bluesa I think this is the kindest thing to do and it leaves the door of friendship open wide.
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@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Feb 16
True @BelleStarr , and if that means accepting his silences, then I will, I will just let him know that when he is ready to communicate again, I am just a message away.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (472074)
• Switzerland
18 Feb 16
His country has been through terrible moments. It is possible that he has seen too many horrible things that have changed him. If you feel no more comfortable talking to him, cut. The army, the recent war and the change of life surely have changed him A LOT.
1 person likes this
@garymarsh6 (23404)
• United Kingdom
19 Feb 16
Can you imagine what he has gone through both in South Africa and Croatia. He must have seen unimaginable horrors. I am sure he appreciates your friendship. Don't give up on him many probably would or already have done. I think that you should keep at it Catherine. He like all of us will have changed over the years I am sure you are not the same person you were when you were a child. We are all faced with different things in our lives and our attitudes do change but basically we are still the same person deep down.
He is obviously appreciative of your contact even if you feel it is a bit off. Just carry on being the nice brat he once knew! You are probably bringing some normality into his life.
Here endeth the lesson I shall shut up and go away but don't ignore the guy!
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Feb 16
@garymarsh6 , truly, I could only imagine what he has seen or gone through, and probably it is worse than I imagine. And yes, we all have changed. So yes, I will let him know, that if he needs me, I am there. And indeed, there is still a bit of that brat in me. :-)
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Feb 16
@garymarsh6 , thank you kindly for such a lovely compliment! :-)
@garymarsh6 (23404)
• United Kingdom
19 Feb 16
@bluesa Yes and a very nice brat you are too!
1 person likes this
@HebrewGreekStudies (1646)
• Canada
19 Feb 16
I see this a lot-and it's one of the things ppl most often ask me about, or to pray about for them. I think in issues like that patience is the best thing-but patience in a way means letting go to a degree. Not of the person or what they mean to you, but of how they respond. I've seen things like that happen...and when a person does that, well, sometimes the person is just lost...but sometimes, they do get their friend, or children, or siblings back-I have seen a lot of bad situations, over time, become better. In the end the truth is, you've done all you can do, and it's up to the other person at that point-you've probably been an amazing friend to this person, and though it can seem painful, I don't think that will be forgotten by him.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Feb 16
@HebrewGreekStudies , I guess I will have to dig deep for patience, and maybe he will get better. I do hope he does remember more light hearted times when I contact him, even if he remains silent. I will let him know I am there, when he needs me.
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@HebrewGreekStudies (1646)
• Canada
20 Feb 16
@bluesa all that said...a shorter way to sum it up is that, it just sucks, and I am sincerely sorry and holding you in kind thoughts:(
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@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
21 Feb 16
@HebrewGreekStudies , thank you. I really appreciate that. :)
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@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
18 Feb 16
@Lucky15 , I understand you are saying that I can't get through to him, if he is determined to shut down like he does, but, yes, I am hoping, that if I keep trying, that he might learn to open up a bit again, I just wish I knew how to get through to him. But, thanks for that great line about the door/window, it makes good sense. :-)
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (29820)
• Momence, Illinois
18 Feb 16
It seems to be a sticky situation. I think you should go with what your heart tells you.
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@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
18 Feb 16
@fishtiger58 , I am finding this tough, I think I will try a few more times to be there for him, if after a while he still shuts down on me, I will have to let him go, though that saddens me as much as his silences.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (29820)
• Momence, Illinois
19 Feb 16
@bluesa You try and try some more, but after a certain amount of time one has enough. I certainly would only take so much then I'm gone.
1 person likes this
@Shayani (250)
• Pune, India
18 Feb 16
I truly feel that you have done your part. Since he is in army , you never know the kind of pressure and circumstances he must be going through. Frankly speaking from your post it seemed that he too tried to be in touch with you, but my friend why haven't you asked him the reason for this kind of indifference towards you at times? Some people are capable of maintaining the same aura which they are known for always and some tend to loose it once entering in a different phase of life. You will find many old friends doing the same thing to you, no sense in calling them friends though.
Try to be calm and indifferent towards him and do not expect any sort of response which you tend to received in your past from him. So just let him go now !!
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
18 Feb 16
@Shayani , I have asked him why he is so cool towards me, and he goes silent. So, I stopped asking him why, and I just try to cheer him up and get him to communicate, I guess I will have to send him a sticker now and then, and see if he responds again.
1 person likes this
@jillybean1222 (6407)
•
20 Feb 16
I'm so sorry. I would say that being his friend is probably something he needs from you. Just don't expect the OLD him to be there, it sounds like.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
21 Feb 16
@jillybean1222 , thank you. I will let him know I am there, and he can decide what happens.
1 person likes this
@PainsOnSlate (21852)
• Canada
20 Feb 16
I think being patient until you can't stand it anymore is the way to go. So many come home changed. My niece's husband went to war, she had two babes. When he came home it was a disaster. They are now divorced and she has custody. She allows him to visit the kids but is terrified he will hurt them. She is thinking of moving a long way away. A completely different man came home than the one that went to war.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
21 Feb 16
@PainsOnSlate , that is so sad, war destroys so much. I hope she will not have to move, and maybe he can get help to deal with what horrible trauma he now has. My friend has changed and I have to accept that. I will let him know I am there, and I hope he will break his silence now and again.
1 person likes this
@carexing25 (1822)
• Philippines
19 Feb 16
I think you should keep on trying to reach out to him.. he might have been through tough times and this is the time that he needs you the most.. his posts only means he is passionate with his work and his messages could mean he needs you to comfort him.. keep cheering him up.. 
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Feb 16
@carexing25 , all I think I can do, is send him a message, saying that when he is ready to talk he must let me know and I will be there for him, and that I will always care about him.
1 person likes this
@quarternoes (236)
• Indianapolis, Indiana
19 Feb 16
Unless he's done something wrong, I wouldn't truly let him go. Just stay friends and talk every once in awhile. Sounds like he'd like not to lose you anyways. Being from the military, I slao came out different, but not as cold. Just '"grown up" I suppose.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Feb 16
@quarternoes , I have decided to let him know I will be there when he is ready. It is good that though you did change, you did not become as cold as he seems to have done. Though I am sure only those that have been in the Army understand certain things.
