It Could Be Worse...

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Someone close to me could have died. I could be in terrible condition from an accident. I'm fully aware of the situation being mild when comparing, but it is my life. It hurts the most that I have to completely disown family....Why? Because they mentioned that they could help me after years of verbal abuse. I finally gave in and let them help me only for them to turn around and ridicule me. Betting on my well being, yeah I'm moping because I can't get out of the cycle of not having childcare or a good job or finishing school. Yeah I'm mad that there isn't more assistance and baby daddy is having a temper tantrum and his lawyer is calling me at every free moment. How could anyone be happy after living my story? I'm not crazy, I'm being driven crazy by the nonsense comments and ridicule for not living under someone's control- big difference! I sent my two young kids to live with my mom 800 miles away for a maximum of two months while I stayed in a shelter that would help me get an apartment on my own. I would be free of the constant arguments and aggressive ridicule, peace a last to raise my two kids. Two weeks later they were moved to my sister's 2hours away from my shelter. I can vouch that he isn't a bad father, he is a horrible partner. What person buys a toy race car instead of his partner's IUD birth control. He is a selfish partner, but spoils himself and kids. He would hold the fact that he had money to buy the kid's love with things he provided, "I like daddy more because he buys me things", my six year old son said to me when he was three. A month finally went by before a large snow storm rolled in, closing things and allowing as an excuse to cancel for about a week. I had a housing appointment on a Tuesday, but the woman canceled because she was still not able to get out of her driveway. My appointment was rescheduled for the following Wednesday. All of my bunk buddies at shelter were able to keep their appointments and were looking at new apartments by the end of that week, so naturally I was excited to finally go. I sat down in the housing assistant's office, childless for a month now. The first words she uttered out her mouth were "We no longer have funding to assist you with housing", and I held my breath as she continued. The tears streamed down my face. I listened and filled out paperwork to be put on a list "IF" funding became available. As I walked out the door I began to hyperventilate, something developed from the anxiety of all this in the last months. I sat in my car, thinking that I had nothing else to do but pack my stuff and go to my kids. I drove at night with a prayer held over my head that my car would not break down. I arrived at their door just as the kids were waking up, and it was worth the long drive. They were ecstatic to see me and I loved it. I danced my younger one to sleep every night for the next two weeks. All seemed like a well idea, except the constant reminder that I wasn't to be living there, the kids are not to be living there because we were not on lease, eviction notice could come at any moment, electric is going to be three hundred dollars now, and it didn't stop there. My sister has a spending problem and constantly blamed that on her new volunteered position of helping me and kids leave an uncomfortable situation with the children's dad. My sister woke up badgering me Saturday, insulting me on purpose and I began asking questions which led to a small argument. Her aggressive attitude was more increased and controlling than normal. I knew she was fed up with everything. She mentioned she didn't trust me, and her husband came home as if it was planned. I was asked to leave and her husband helped me put my pillowcases and trash bags of stuff in the car. I am so hurt because she offered to help, and if I did something to cause this other than be an "Earl" (my nickname from TV show My Name is Earl), I understand. I did dishes (felt like a maid), vacuumed, dusted, and ensured my kids left no evidence of being there. I called the shelters in the area, everyone was full. I was told that someone would call me in 24-48 hours (still no call). I couldn't have my kids sleep in car. I called their father. He proudly took us in. I am back where I started and he has won. The court will have the kids live with him while I find somewhere else to live. I will have to pay child support while he is there with kids because he wants to win. He wouldn't move out because he pays for the bills and apartment (he only paid rent, I paid water and electric), because he has better job. I learnt a valuable lesson. It's a man's world and not to submit once you gain any power. I walked away from a condo because baby daddy and his dad would not pay rent on time, again they both have the spending problem. Never be a stay at home mom, no matter how important it seems to your children because it allows for the man to ensure his prize is where he left it, in it's cage. Final thought- If a man gives you anything, car, house, kids...He will take it away- even his woman- he will always try to keep what he has earned!