Saving my friend.
By Danty D
@DaintyD (1101)
March 8, 2016 4:06pm CST
I have a close who is in a relationship with my cousion.
Sadly it's not a positive relationship, he treats her terribly. He controls everything she does, has afairs, steals and runs her down.
Despite all of this she provides for him ( she works, he does not ), takes care of all domestic chores, drives him everywere he wants to go. Lends him money and her car ( often meaning she walks to and from work ) and often defends him too.
She knows it's a bad relationship, she knows she desurves better, she is deeply unhappy. However after being togeather for 12 years she feels unable to leave.
I am direct with her ( and him ) about my opinion of their relationship, I know I am unable to decide for her what she needs to do.
But what help, other than listening and supoorting can I offer her.
10 people like this
8 responses
@kevin1877uk (36988)
•
8 Mar 16
You only can do you best and no one can ask for for more.
3 people like this
@kevin1877uk (36988)
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8 Mar 16
@DaintyD Thats the wonder of Mylot were you can write about anything :)
3 people like this
@DaintyD (1101)
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8 Mar 16
@kevin1877uk
It's nice isn't it, and everyone has been so very friendly. It's not often you find such a positive attitude is everyone you talk too.
Such nice vibes it's refreshing.
2 people like this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
8 Mar 16
Honestly, I think your doing all you can for her. One day she will put her foot down and decide she has had enough. It will happen eventually most likely but she has to choose that for herself. No one can make that decision for her, even though that's really hard for people around her.
1 person likes this
@DaintyD (1101)
•
8 Mar 16
I'm awear I can't make the decision for her, or even inflorescence her. I won't say anything to her, that I won't also say to him.
Bein his cousion it's made harder because he feels I should be loyal towards him, but I'm not that kind of person - I say it how it is.
They often manage to drag me into their arguments, were I will refuse to respond to be involved.
2 people like this
@DaintyD (1101)
•
8 Mar 16
I really hope she does, it's not just her being hurt its her son too. I worry for him. He is young and I fear he will treat women in the same way her husband does as that's what he's being brought up with.
I no I can't influence her decision, but it's nice to have somewere u can talk to others about my concerns.
I can't talk to friends and family, as it's not my buisness to tell.
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
8 Mar 16
@DaintyD I do hope you can get her to see the light as the boy is going to be a mess as he gets older. Dr Phil just did a big show on this yesterday and the husband didn't work and stayed home and took care of the baby but a lot of the time he was sleeping and the baby was 2 or 3 and could get into things. Dr Phils wife is a founder of situations like this and it is called Aspire by Robin McGraw. Tell her to check it out for the future of her son.
It might not seem bad now to you but it will get out of control eventually.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
10 Mar 16
Unfortunately that is the limit of what you can do. When a person is in an abusive relationship they have to want to come out of that relationship for it to stick. You can tell them that's what needs to happen, call the authorities on their behalf, fight the individual that is abusing her, and anything else you can think of. But from what I know as experience, until that person is done with that relationship you can't force them out of it. They will always find a reason to go back to them.
I would consider having a very blunt conversation about how you care about her and what she is doing to herself by continuing in this relationship; if you are strong enough tell her that you can't be around to see her get hurt the way she does, and that you will help her to get away but she must get away (you have to stick to that one too for it to work). But that is the bottom line of what you are capable of doing in the situaton. She must let him go.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
10 Mar 16
@DaintyD But "not seeing her much" and not being around at all are two different things. That's what was saying before, if you say this you have to be willing to follow through and there is no halfway about it. You have to be willing to show them that it hurts you too much to see. If you just stop coming around as much and waiting for certain times to see her, then, in their mind you are still their friend and they can still count on you being around when they need. If you cut them off and make it so they have to seek you out with the proper credentials (being rid of dude); its possible that she may come out of it.
Bad part about it is, even this may not work if she's just that determined to be with him.
@DaintyD (1101)
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10 Mar 16
@drknlvly6781
I am very blunt with her, she knows my feeling and she also agrees with me. However she still will not let go. I even went a period of time were I didn't see her much as I could handle being dragged into their arguments however nothing seems to change this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
9 Mar 16
I hope he's not beating her up @DaintyD . My husband treated me the same way for 17 1/2 years until I shot and killed him. She needs to get out NOW.
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
9 Mar 16
@DaintyD Would she be honest with you if he did? Bruising can be hidden.
@DaintyD (1101)
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9 Mar 16
@nanette64
Yes, she's very open - besides we go swimming a lot is notices the bruses while she was in her bikini.
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8770)
• United Kingdom
16 Mar 16
I've been in a similar situation to your friend. It's not easy even if she knows she'd be better off without him. She might worry that he'll cause problems if she leaves. She might not be financially/emotionally/physically able to leave even if she wants to do so. She may have lost all self-esteem and believe that she deserves this situation.
You are doing what you can by being there for her. If there's any practical help you can offer, that might be a start. Offering her a spare room or helping her with housework, getting him to help too while you're there and your friend is at work.
@softbabe44 (5816)
• Vancouver, Washington
17 Mar 16
All you can really do is support her and listen when she gets tired she will do something about it.
