~Life Is Not Black & White~
By Jennifer
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
Valdosta, Georgia
March 26, 2016 4:35pm CST
Our Pastor at church is awesome, let me say that first. We love him! But like a lot of Pastor's they do tend to think life is black and white, and sometimes it just isn't.
Our friend is miserable in her marriage. Her husband is controlling, emotionally abusive, he controls their kids to the point of making them miserable and not have fun, he constantly accuses her of being unfaithful when she isn't, he follows her and checks up on her, checks all of her texts and phone calls every day, they get into cursing/screaming fights, etc... It is a bad situation.
She confided in our Pastor-who is also her cousin. Pastor for months has been telling her to stick it out and do what God says to do in the Bible. I get why he said that but yesterday he told her she is wrong for wanting to leave her husband and God would not approve that. He is now really upset with her and she is really sad about it.
I just feel like she needs to be happy and it's not healthy for their children to constantly see them fighting and miserable. I think there is definitely gray to life-not always black and white. He is being abusive to her-not physically but abuse regardless.
Do you think she is wrong for leaving her husband?
19 people like this
22 responses
@TiarasOceanView (70022)
• United States
26 Mar 16
Heck no Loving! She is not wrong in leaving him.
Religion and men like the pastor (though he thinks he is right) has kept women and children in abuse many times, and ruined innocent lives and even sometimes caused their deaths.
5 people like this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Mar 16
@Tiarasoceanview I don't think so either. As much as I do love my Pastor I think he is wrong this time. And it's not what she needs right now, she needs love and support from everyone around her. She doesn't want to particularly leave him but she doesn't want to stay in that situation either. It's hard.
4 people like this
@TiarasOceanView (70022)
• United States
26 Mar 16
@LovingMyBabies Understood Loving. All I know is from experience, this guy is probably not going to change..does he go to church no?
3 people like this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Mar 16
@TiarasOceanView No he will not change. They even tried therapy and it just didn't change anything, but she has tried. She has given him every chance in the world to change and it's not working. He stopped going to church when we still lived with them which was months ago. Possibly he is feeling guilty about his behavior?
3 people like this
@ScribbledAdNauseum (104628)
• United States
26 Mar 16
No! She needs to get out of that situation not only for herself but her children's sake as well! I know there will be a lot of hard road ahead of her, divorce, custody battle, emotional upheaval of the worse variety.
I know it won't be easy for her but I hope her cousin the Pastor will come around to help her emotionally as well. Sometimes our church leaders need to put aside their morals and remember that we are all only human and aren't perfect.
3 people like this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Mar 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum Yeah I agree. We saw the situation first hand since we lived with them for months and it wasn't good then...and she said it has only gotten worse since we left which is a scary thought!
I agree with that statement as well-we are all human and no one should judge anyone else, no matter what or who they are.
2 people like this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Mar 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum He does and they tried therapy together and medicine for him but nothing has gotten better.
1 person likes this
@ScribbledAdNauseum (104628)
• United States
26 Mar 16
@LovingMyBabies IT sounds as if her husband needs some emotional help of his own. I do hope she will be able to get away from the situation soon though.
2 people like this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Mar 16
@Marcyaz Yeah I think she should too. It's not a good situation at all. I think he's wrong in this situation as well. If he lived with them and saw what was going on I think he would feel differently. We lived with them for months and saw how he is, it wasn't good at all.
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Mar 16
@sugartoes I am not very close with the Pastor like she is and she tells me what Pastor says in confidence. He doesn't know I know anything about what they have talked about.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
27 Mar 16
@LovingMyBabies perhaps they cou ld get counseling but its sort of iffy
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Mar 16
@hatley Yeah emotional abuse is no joke and it's awful watching someone go through it too. I hope it will not turn into physical abuse. I hope if she does leave that he completely changes so their family isn't ripped apart forever.
@toniganzon (72281)
• Philippines
27 Mar 16
No, she's not wrong. I believe in God and in the bible and I respect the leaders of the church. But sometimes these leaders aren't perfect as well and are only humans. They might not just see the right thing sometimes.
I believe your friend deserves to be happy. She should pray to God and ask for signs of what's the best thing to do. She could pray for her husband's behaviour as well.
1 person likes this
@toniganzon (72281)
• Philippines
27 Mar 16
@LovingMyBabies I pray for her happiness. I'm sure she's in a much better place now than being with her abusive husband. I pray for her children as well.
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Mar 16
@toniganzon Yes we are all humans and do the best we can. I believe he thinks he's telling her the right thing, but respectfully I disagree with him.
I think she deserves happiness as well. She has been praying and the decision she came to was she needed to move on without him. And she has prayed with and for him many times. =(
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Mar 16
@DianneN I agree that she should leave him. She is miserable and so are the kids. Sometimes I think Pastors just try to only do everything according to Scripture, but they forget at times that no one is perfect not even themselves.
2 people like this
@DianneN (247186)
• United States
26 Mar 16
@LovingMyBabies Very true! And it's more difficult, because he is her cousin.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (92789)
• United States
27 Mar 16
No, I don't think she's wrong. She can leave him, and that doesn't mean she has to divorce him. She can leave him until he agrees to get counseling. And if he doesn't get counseling, and she decides she needs to get a divorce for her own welfare and her kids, then I hope her cousin and pastor gets behind her. Is he a young pastor by chance? It seems the younger they are the more black and white they are.
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Mar 16
@AmbiePam Yeah, I hope that if she leaves him for a little bit that he will change his ways for his family. I know that can happen because it happened to my husband and I. That would be the best outcome for everyone. =)
Yeah he is on the young side, in his late 30's.
@irishidid (8687)
• United States
26 Mar 16
I don't recall God ever saying to put up with that sort of treatment.
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
26 Mar 16
@irishidid Yeah I don't think God would want that for her either.
@Blondie2222 (28611)
• United States
29 Mar 16
How old are the children ? I don't think it's wrong she wants to leave him, it's not healthy to be in an abusive relationship like that and you may never know it could turn worse then it really is now. The children are going to grow up and think it's okay to act like that as they get older when it is not. I hope she does the right thing what is right for her and the kids and she can get help that she needs.
@celticeagle (167015)
• Boise, Idaho
27 Mar 16
I think this pastor should be telling the husband he is wrong to be abusive to his wife, not telling the wife she shouldn't leave her husband. If he is abusive like this it could escalate and she could get hurt. Her children are going to see this and think it is normal behavior and how a wife should be treated. It isn't good at all. She should leave. If he is a good man he can change his ways and then perhaps she could go back. Only after he has proven to not be this way any longer. No woman should stay with a man who doesn't treat her with respect.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (167015)
• Boise, Idaho
27 Mar 16
@LovingMyBabies ....She has to think of the safety of the children too. Glad she made this chose. This pastor needs to look at life a bit differently. He's not giving very good advise on such matters.
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Mar 16
@celticeagle I do agree with you, he should be lecturing the husband-not the wife. She has done more than everything she could do to stick with her marriage but he is not willing to change or work on himself. He is bipolar and refuses to take his medicine. He doesn't want to keep going to therapy either.
On Monday she is planning on moving out and seeing if a separation will help him to realize the error of his ways.
1 person likes this
@yukimori (10145)
• United States
27 Mar 16
She needs to leave her husband, especially if his behavior is escalating. It will eventually cross the line to physical violence.
Let me see if I can dig up some of the bible quotes that some of the posters over on DWIL Nation have shared to explain why women who posted needed to leave the abusive situations they're in. There are some of there who are extremely familiar with the Bible who can probably help her from the religious standpoint. If she has issues with her in-laws, tell her to post about it there and mention how her husband is. I don't think you'll have a single person there tell her that she's wrong for wanting to protect herself and her children from an abusive, toxic person.
Oh, and if someone tries to throw the bit about breaking her marriage vows at her, well, hasn't he already done it? How is his behavior that of a person who loves and cherishes his partner?
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Mar 16
@yukimori He is one of those people where he could snap at any second, and he has before which scares me for her and the kids.
Yes he definitely has broken the vows they took-very true! I will tell her that too because she needs to hear it since she is feeling guilty right now.
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Mar 16
@jstory07 Yes I agree and they are. They are sensing things are hostile and that is not good at all.
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Mar 16
@sharon6345 I agree, it's not good for any of them. We are going to help her any way we can.
@LindaCPearson (2240)
• United States
29 Mar 16
It sounds like the pastor is just as abusive as the husband. If the wife was abusing the husband, would the pastor tell him he should stay with her?
@rina110383 (24492)
•
26 Mar 16
She just did the best thing, not only for herself but also for the kids.
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
27 Mar 16
@rina110383 Yeah I think so too, well she hasn't left yet but she is on Monday.
1 person likes this
@zebra2222 (5268)
• United States
27 Mar 16
She is 100% right. Abusive relationships seldom get better over time.
@rosekiss (30414)
• Eugene, Oregon
27 Mar 16
Since she is being abused, she should leave him, and never look back. I think the pator is wrong to tell her to stay in her marriage. It really isn't a marriage at all, when a person gets abused. I hope that she finds it in her heart to do what she needs to do.
@cacay1 (83505)
• Cagayan De Oro, Philippines
27 Mar 16
She better applies for a legal separation or divorce, so worst comes to worst, she has proof of their separation.Her husband is abnormal, addict!
@HebrewGreekStudies (1646)
• Canada
27 Mar 16
When we speak of the Bible, we must do so in it's full context and in some cases yes a spouse can leave-and I am speaking of the New Testament. Even under the Law of Moses as well, a woman did have rights in the marriage. In a circumstance such as this, I would suggest that we look at the spouse who is wounded and view them with compassion-the one suffering abuse needs help, the man needs to amend his actions and in my opinion the onus should lay on him to amend things. Commandments are given for a purpose, and if we interpret a Biblical commandment in a way which defeats it's purpose, we are no longer following it-that is one of the arguments that Jesus would often have with certain religious leaders.
@monalica (113)
• New Delhi, India
27 Mar 16
oh no ,i am feeling very sorry for her that her husband checks her personal things ,it is not good thinking with each other ,the kids also feel bad they will not love with their father , if you are confused you can clear the thing but if you are not in faith with your partner you should leave it ,every person wants the personal space if you can not understand then there is no mean to live with such type of person , in my opinion she will do the best and prove herself .
@andriaperry (116936)
• Anniston, Alabama
27 Mar 16
No she is not wrong. Life should be happy with or without the Churches permission. This man is not HGod and should not answer for God.
