A Painful Family Secret - Should the Wife be Told?
@DeborahDiane (40288)
Laguna Woods, California
March 30, 2016 2:08pm CST
My husband and I have been close friends with another couple for the past 16 years. We see them two or three times a week. The couple has been married over 55 years. My husband and I have been married nearly 45 years.
About a month ago, the husband was in severe pain and went to the hospital.
Three weeks ago, the man was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, possibly with lymphoma, two different types of cancer.
One week ago, the other man asked my husband to come visit him in the acute care center where he is staying. My husband was the only non-family member who has been allowed to visit the man.
While my husband was there, a doctor told our friend that the cancer had metastasized, spread along his spine and to other organs, and they could not do surgery. They would just work on pain management. In other words, they are not going to aggressively treat the cancer, just do what is necessary to reduce his pain.
One of the man's adult children was there when this discussion was going on, so we know that other family members know about this sad diagnosis.
My husband told me that both he and the other man cried a little about our friend's impending death, but they recovered and were able to chat about other things before my husband left.
Last night, I was out to dinner with the wife and realized that she had NOT been told that her husband's cancer has metastasized and he is dying. I realized it when she started complaining to me that the doctor would not return her calls and had not told her how they planned to treat her husband's cancer.
I was shocked.
If my husband were dying of cancer, I would want to know. Wouldn't you?
I didn't tell her, but I hope her husband does, soon. What would you do?
23 people like this
24 responses
@just4him (317040)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
31 Mar 16
I wouldn't be the one to tell her. It wouldn't be my place. It should have come from his doctor the moment he decided he wasn't going to do anything for him other than take care of the pain. I hope her husband tells her. I would be furious if nobody told me something that important. She has a right to complain about the doctor not answering her calls.
3 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
Yes, I agree that I would be furious if I found out that nobody told me something like this, too. She is going to the doctor with her husband tomorrow. I hope she finds out, then.
3 people like this
@yukimori (10145)
• United States
30 Mar 16
I would do nothing. As unfair as it is, it's his personal health information and he has the right to control who is allowed to access that information. Based on the fact that the doctor won't return his wife's calls, I'm guessing that he's most likely removed her from the list of persons authorized to speak with them about his treatment.
At most, I would gently suggest to the husband that he tell his wife about his prognosis.
3 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
Yes, I don't plan to say anything. I just hope her husband does, soon. He could die unexpectedly, and she would never have been told.
1 person likes this
@cherriefic (10399)
• Philippines
30 Mar 16
I will not say a word as well as it's not my secret to tell.
3 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
I agree. I did not say anything. I am sure that eventually her husband or family tell her.
1 person likes this
@TiarasOceanView (70022)
• United States
30 Mar 16
Wow thats very unusual and yes I believe she should know.
3 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
I agree. I think she should know, but I think she will find out soon.
1 person likes this
@carebear29 (31962)
• Wausau, Wisconsin
30 Mar 16
Ouch, sorry to hear that. I would tell her.
3 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
The couple are going together to meet with the doctor tomorrow. I think she'll find out tomorrow.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
Yes, they are trying to protect the wife. It just makes me uncomfortable to know this, when the wife does not.
2 people like this
@Juliaacv (51103)
• Canada
31 Mar 16
@DeborahDiane Yes, you are in a very awkward position, but you are doing what is best. Hopefully in the end she doesn't turn on you for not telling her, its not your place.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
1 Apr 16
@Juliaacv - She is a very sweet woman and a close friend. I don't think she will turn on me, but I do know that she is worried. I think it would make her feel better to have some honest information.
1 person likes this
@allen0187 (58582)
• Philippines
6 Jul 16
I would probably ask the husband and one of his children why the wife/mother was not informed. They most probably have their valid reason why they kept the wife out of the loop.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
6 Jul 16
Thank you! I wrote this article a few months ago. Since then, the wife has learned the truth. The husband is undergoing chemo and, so far, he has done well with it. While his life will still be shortened, at least the end is not immediate.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (222855)
• Chile
9 Jun 16
I would think it extremelly unfair not to know.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
11 Jun 16
Yes, it seems very unfair that she does not know the whole situation. To some extent, however, I think she is in denial. I was easily able to find out a lot about her husband's situation by looking up his disease and the treatments for it on the internet. It even told the life expectancy. If she doesn't want to do the same, I guess that is her choice.
@Letranknight2015 (51938)
• Philippines
31 Mar 16
I don't know what to say, right now in my opinion i could have told her. but what would be consequences to the doctor and the husband who didn't tell her in the place? wouldn't she hate them first before feeling pity on them.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
Yes, I do not want to be the cause of having her get angry with her husband, the doctor and the rest of the family. I just felt really awkward.
1 person likes this
@Tampa_girl7 (50205)
• United States
1 Apr 16
She needs to know, but a family member should tell her.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
3 Apr 16
Her husband took her to his Friday afternoon doctor's appointment, and the wife found out the truth, then.
1 person likes this
@lilnana1111 (2305)
• United States
31 Mar 16
That is just sad all the way around, I hope he tells her soon.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
1 Apr 16
I am praying that he tells her tomorrow when she goes to a doctor's appointment with her husband.
1 person likes this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
31 Mar 16
He should have confided in her immediately @DeborahDiane . Yes it's devastating news but they've been together so long that she needs to know so the time they have left can be quality time.
1 person likes this
@MarshaMusselman (38865)
• Midland, Michigan
3 Apr 16
@DeborahDiane That is good, how did you find out? Did the wife call you and inform you of this? It may be difficult too in the days ahead not to let her know that you knew all along, when she knew nothing of the kind.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
3 Apr 16
I'm so relieved to report that the wife has now been told.
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (29820)
• Momence, Illinois
31 Mar 16
I would not tell her as it just isn't my place to. I believe that's her husbands job to do.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
I agree that it is her husband's place to tell her. If her husband does not, I think her daughter should say something. I do not think it is my place.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
1 Apr 16
@fishtiger58 - Yes, I have thought about that. If her husband doesn't say something soon, I'm sure her daughter will. My fingers are crossed.
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (29820)
• Momence, Illinois
31 Mar 16
@DeborahDiane Maybe her daughter will tell her.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
31 Aug 16
oh I sure would I was told that my hubby'only had 20percent of his
heart working so only matter of time.'
The doctor should have told her
@lady1993 (27224)
• Philippines
31 Mar 16
well, since i don't think i have the right to tell the wife, i would strongly urge the husband to tell his wife before it's too late
so at least they would spend quality time together and also, so the husband won't feel alone in his situation
so at least they would spend quality time together and also, so the husband won't feel alone in his situation1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
1 Apr 16
@lady1993 - I agree with you completely. I am really hoping that she finds out the truth tomorrow, when she goes to the doctor with her husband.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
I feel the same way. I think it is sad that he has not told her the truth. I hope he does, soon!
@crazyhorseladycx (39509)
• United States
31 Mar 16
jest saddens my heart greatly to hear this, ms. d-d :( 's fer the wife gettin' to know the truth? i think that'd be her hubs responsibility to tell her. sure puts'ya'n a pickle though, havin' that knowledge 'n not feelin' like ya can comfort her.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40288)
• Laguna Woods, California
31 Mar 16
I'm just praying that she finds out the truth soon. She is going to the doctor with her husband tomorrow. Maybe she will find out then. I sure hope so.
1 person likes this
@rakski (122335)
• Philippines
4 Apr 16
I read first the other post before this. But I am glad now that she knows his condition. it is hard to accept but with the two of them together and with the support and family and friends, I hope they can make it through this difficult ordeal. My prayers will be with them. 
1 person likes this
@Morleyhunt (21744)
• Canada
4 Apr 16
I would want to know. If the other family members know it is ridiculous that the man has not shared this with his wife.
1 person likes this
