Loosing a parent and grieving.

Tweet

I was a new member to mylot 6 or 7 months ago and liked it. But shortly after starting I began loosing family members to illnesses and drug over doses. I joined mylot in search to help people cause it was something that made me feel good. Now, its a long story but ill keep it brief as possible. My cousin passes away to a drug over-dose which caused me to see my aunt and uncle, who were parents of three, become devastated. The devastation I saw in them was unbearable. My aunt throwing a fit outside like a three-year-old and my uncle painfully holding it together. His place of death? In a his friends home witch my cousins parents wait outside of for 12 hours till a warrant is signed by a local judge. Telling my grandmother was the worst part. She was all about the grandchildren. Shortly after that my uncle passes after fighting a failed liver and both kidneys for what seemed a decade but was probably more like 6 or 7 years. Following him was my grandfather. My grandmother tried to take care of him the best she could but he was 6'2 200lbs+ and she being 5'0 110lbs it was difficult so I helped as much as possible. He soon passed in hospice. A week after that my grandmothers dog passes and is torn up. I get her a better dog that she now loves but not the point. Now, in the passing months my father dies at our hunting camp very far away from home. He suffers a massive heart attack as he gets up for the morning hunt. From the moment I got that call I have been flat out all the time. I have two kids i take car of and my grandmother who seems like she needs 24hr care. shes had two strokes since my fathers death. I have now been working 76hrs a week since the day of my fathers funeral and still trying to get hired by a law enforcement agency. I study whenever possible but with a lack of sleep and gym time it makes it difficult. I never cried at the funeral or any other time. I dont miss him yet and I always have this almost anxiety/depressed feeling all the time. All i do is deal with the mess hes left behind for the last 4 months. No will. Nothing in writing so its all gone to probate. I feel like i cant grieve. If i even start to cry it just goes away and i get the bad feeling even worse and then i keep going through out my day. What i need help with is that someone told me that he lost his father at 42 and he didnt realize his father was really gone till almost 6 months later where he parked his truck in the driveway coming home from work and cried for 2hrs. Why haven't I gotten to yet. Is the same gonna happen with me? Just randomly? What were your experiences with this? By the way I am now separating with my girlfriend and wont get to see the kids since im not their biological father and her an i couldnt get married. Dont know what to do, how i should be thinking or feeling.