Do you think it's an insult for adopted children to want to look for their biological parents?
@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
Perth, Australia
May 3, 2016 2:08am CST
Personally, I wouldn't be insulted. I'd just be concerned for my child on how he / she would handle it if the search was or wasn't a success.
But either way, I'm sure a majority of adopted children would be wanting to find them for curiosity or some sort of closure
How do you think you would take it if you were in this situation?
Do you think it's insulting for a child wanting to know who their biological parents are?
72 people like this
89 responses
@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
I think it's natural to know/ get curious about your roots, DNA and blood, whatever way you think it. It doesn't necessarily means that you don't value your adopted parents.
17 people like this
@vandana7 (100622)
• India
3 May 16
Never felt like knowing all the DNA in my family ...may be I am different.
Let me reverse this...and give you experience of how it might feel.
Your biological parents are told that their records show they are Pakistani nationals so they need to leave the country but since you are born in India, you qualify as Indian. Obviously they need to see that you are safe while you are here, and so they start searching for some reliable friend or relative with whom they can leave you while they are deported. How do you think your mother would feel? Even if they could work their papers and return in a couple of weeks ..that brief separation can be devastating.
7 people like this
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
3 May 16
valuing adopting parents definitely depends on how have the relationships between the adopting parents and adopted child have been. If they are good, I dont think there will be a chance of insulting or anything bad. weird isn't it, there are times when adopted parents are better related to the child than many normal biological ones.
6 people like this
@davidalicea100 (3495)
• Merced, California
3 May 16
I was adopted my foster parents treated me like crap, i would want to find my real parents, im still trying to.
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@davidalicea100 I'm really sorry! I am doubting it, but is there anything I can do? I don't want to pry nor make you feel like I am trying to get involved in your personal life but just, let me know if I can do anything.
Again, I am doubting it since we live in different countries but...yeah just...blah let me know!
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
@davidalicea100 That's awful David. I hope you find your answers soon... 
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@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
3 May 16
In my personal view it is not worthwhile for a adopted child to search for his/her biological parents. It will not serve any purpose. The parents who have brought him up are the real parents than the biological parents, who just gave birth to him.
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@dpk262006 It may not serve purpose to some whereas it may to others. Like I said, I just really think it depends on the child.
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
@dpk262006 I think it's child's decision in the end....
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@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
3 May 16
My take is - when a child is adopted, at the right time, the adopting parents must reveal the truth to the child. if they are aware, they should also tell the child about the biological parents.
I feel so because someday or the other the truth will surface and coming to this fact from the outside world can be devastating for a child.
10 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@thesids I actually think that's a pretty wise idea. But I don't know. I'm no Dr. Phil lol I guess we ( if we were adopting ) will do whatever we think is right at the time.
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
Exactly what I thought. The truth hurt worse when it comes from way ward ways and not from the horse's mouth.
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@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
3 May 16
@VivaLaDani13 Exactly. I know, finding the right time as a parent (if you are a real loving one) can be tough because there is always a fear of the unknown happening once the facts are revealed. But then, I still would do it because somewhere I feel, my being honest as a parent who adopted can somewhere help in strengthening the relationship between me and the adopted kid.
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@cherriefic (10399)
• Philippines
3 May 16
I don't think so. It's normal for adopted children to at least get to know their origin.
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@Daljinder I did LOL it keeps coming back!
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@cherriefic Exactly what I reckon.
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Friggen delete the two duplicate responses....
@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@LadyDuck yeah that's a whole different other story that would definitely be hard to cope with. But I think it's harmless in finding out some answers.
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
@LadyDuck It is a scary thought from the point of view of an adoptive parent. But all it comes to the decision of the child.
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@vandana7 (100622)
• India
3 May 16
An insecurity lurks Dani. Will the child leave me. There is no sharing of love when it comes with natural parent. Any such search is telling the adoptive parent..blood calls or you did not have those labor pains so it is not something you have a right to object to. There is a sense of resignation and acceptance on the part of the parent ..yes, I did not go through those pains so I have no right...not fair...the other side could be one night stand. The cut off, in my opinion, should at least last till adopted mother lives.
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@vandana7 (100622)
• India
3 May 16
@VivaLaDani13 ..Meeting natural parent may divide that love. Not fair.
4 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@vandana7 You do raise a good point and a valid worry. I've never known anyone to go through it really. I'm sure that would be a little worry to me as well if I was ever in that situation.
I don't know if this is the sort of situation where it's a risk taker. Letting your adopted child to find the truth with a possibility of them leaving or not helping them to forever be confused and incomplete.
Either way, they would still appreciate and have love for their adopted parents for looking after them.
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@vandana7 I understand. It wouldn't be an easy thing to go through. I don't know. It's a very hard thing to even think about let alone actually going through it.
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@CaptAlbertWhisker (32748)
• Calgary, Alberta
3 May 16
Nope not at all. if I adopted a child I will even try to find it's biological relatives so the kid won't end up marrying his siblings or cousins.
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@CaptAlbertWhisker LOL way to lighten the mood on this touchy subject HAHA
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
lol That's another thing to consider why finding biological roots would be good.
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@CaptAlbertWhisker (32748)
• Calgary, Alberta
3 May 16
@VivaLaDani13 There is an incident where twins, a boy and a girl who were adopted by 2 different set of parents and they end up marrying each other.
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@davidalicea100 (3495)
• Merced, California
3 May 16
For medical history it is important to know who they are.
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@davidalicea100 (3495)
• Merced, California
3 May 16
@Daljinder i go to the doctors and they always ask me about my family medical history, i never can give them a answer.
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@davidalicea100 That's a good point too!
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
@davidalicea Oh yeah! Considering all the genetically transmitted diseases among others..... 
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@akalinus (43366)
• United States
3 May 16
I think everyone wants to know where they came from. What are my parents like? Why did they give me away? What are they interested in? Do I look like them? I don't think it is an insult. They still love the parents and family who adopted them and raised them. They just want to know who they are. They have two sets of parents, the parents of the heart and the parents of the flesh.
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@akalinus (43366)
• United States
4 May 16
@Daljinder Yes, that is a very good description.
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
17 May 16
@akalinus Your answer is exactly the way I think about this certain topic. Thanks for answering. :)
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
4 May 16
@alkalinus I loved a term I came upon in a story I read. "Bonus Mom" and "Bonus Dad"
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@WorDazza (15830)
• Manchester, England
3 May 16
@vandana7 I would feel Ok about it. As I said, it's natural human curiosity to want to know these things. I think if you are going to put yourself forward to adopt a child you are being very naive to think that they won't want to find their biological parents. You need to be prepared for that happening.
3 people like this
@PainsOnSlate (21852)
• Canada
4 May 16
I have an adopted child, he was my nephew before he became my son. He was from a divorced family, he lived with his mother who passed away at his age of 4. He never asked about his dad (our lawyer got his permission to adopt him) But as an adult he ran into some brother we never knew about on Facebook. We knew the dad when he was married to our sister and didn't like him, he had many children by many women before and after our sister. We also knew he was in jail for a long time and still is. We never mentioned it to our son. He found out from his half brothers on FB and asked why we never told him. He understood when we explained (he was in his 30's) we didn't want him growing up knowing his bio dad was a murderer...
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
4 May 16
@PaintsOnScale That's an awful thing to know about your parent. To a child I won't be telling the truth either until they have grown up fully.
I hope your son is fine now and had moved on from what he uncovered.
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
5 May 16
@PainsOnSlate That is good to know and glad that he found his home and parent in you.
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@JudyEv (342277)
• Rockingham, Australia
3 May 16
@VivaLaDani13 There are some wonderful stories where both parties are absolutely thrilled to be united. You would hope for that sort of outcome.
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@JudyEv yeah that is what I would be concerned about. I would be willing to help search but I'd also like to prepare them for the worst.
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@Ruby3881 (1963)
• Canada
4 May 16
Most jurisdictions offer some sort of post-adoption services, and these usually include reunion facilitation and counselling. If the services are offered, I recommend people use them. There can be disappointment, but when people meet in a more controlled fashion I think it's easier to cope.
I was lucky in that my reunion with my bio mom was without incident. She was fairly easy to find, and I had a lovely chat with her on the phone after I let her know how to reach me. Ever since, she has sent cards and letters on all of the holidays, birthdays, etc. She makes them all by hand, and we love to receive these little treasures )
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@Frischy (119)
•
3 May 16
Two of my children are adopted. One of them has found her biological family. It's not that difficult nowadays, with facebook. I was happy for her, because I know she missed them. I think at some point my other daughter may want to search. I think it would be fine if she did. She and I have a strong relationship, and nothing will change that.
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@vandana7 (100622)
• India
3 May 16
1. Did you feel bad when they first expressed they want to meet their biological mother?
2. Were there any feelings of insecurity and when you say "she and i have a strong relationship" does it imply that had some differences been there, as can happen even in natural relationships, chances of losing the child would have scared you @Frischy...and
3. honestly would you have preferred the child not to search for biological parents.
4. Did the child ask about the natural parents or did you suggest that she go to in search of them.
5. Would you on your own have suggested now that you are 20 why don't you all go out and meet up with your biological parents...kind.
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@Frischy That's lovely! I am happy for you being so understanding and supportive! Good on you.
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
@vandana7 You may want to chat this person up....
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@topffer (42156)
• France
3 May 16
It depends at the age where the child was adopted. If he/she was a baby, I am not sure that I would tell him/her to avoid a psychological problem. If he/she discovers it, I think that I would help "my" child to find his real parents. This kind of curiosity is natural, and there is nothing wrong or insulting about it.
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@topffer I do find it sweet that you would try to protect your adopted child. And I guess there may not even be a wrong or right thing to do as each person differs from the other.
But I would feel horrible keeping something from someone. They may wonder what else I have kept from them if they discovered the truth on their own. I'd feel bad if the trust was broken after that.
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
@topffer For medical history alone, you may need to look into the family of the child.
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@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
3 May 16
@VivaLaDani13 Oh yeah! Trust surely will be broken in such case. Then it takes years sometime to heal from that.....
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@vandana7 (100622)
• India
3 May 16
@Daljinder .Sweetie...I am going to consider it differently. In the west, child leaves the parents for good! Here it does not happen. Here the child becomes emotional support. They have complete system. Here if the elderly parent has to run to hospital, child is needed. Social system is needed. They just have better social systems health care systems and legal systems. Here, if the telephone fails you have to wait for two days or so for somebody to come. Their way of living is different and our way of living is different. Agreed bro in law has some inkling. But being "still a special part of their life" sharing the berth with other mother ..no way!
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@pgiblett I agree. Not that I've been in this situation but I am sure that I would want to know if I was an adopted child.
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@karjatwala (1120)
• Pune, India
3 May 16
I have had my biological parents, my foster parents and my step mother too. So why an insult. It would be for the good of the child.
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@karjatwala (1120)
• Pune, India
3 May 16
@vandana7 So surely the foster parents should help the child in locating the childs parents.
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
3 May 16
@karjatwala True. I mean, it's all about the child trying to feel fulfilled and find answers. But sometimes it wouldn't be all that easy with the adopted parents.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (100622)
• India
18 Aug 18
@OKennedy Wow...fifth person who expresses the adoptive parent's actual fears. @Daljinder...there are at least five who do think that adoptive parents would be uncomfortable, insecure..
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@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
17 May 16
@OKennedy Exactly right! :) Thank you for answering.
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@OKennedy (1130)
• United States
18 May 16
@VivaLaDani13 It is hard on everyone involved. The adoptive parents have rational fears so much invested and then the chance of being forgotten as if the last 18 years of your life didn't count for anything. For the Kid its that need to know so many things you want answered and trying to find your way. Very complicated situation.
2 people like this
@Ruby3881 (1963)
• Canada
4 May 16
I am an adult adoptee. My adopted sister's parents are still together, and looked for her as soon as the law changed to allow them to do it. She actually went to stay with them when she was having trouble getting work in Quebec due to the fact that she couldn't speak French. Having family in a different part of Canada was a great boon for her, and she is very close to her bio family.
I have searched for and found my bio mom, but not my father. My mother and I are both very reserved people, and we are developing our relationship at a long distance. It takes time, but we care about each other.
My adoptive parents were not at all upset that we wanted to know our bio family. But we do all try to be sensitive of each others' needs.
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
17 May 16
@Ruby3881 That's really fantastic that you can all be supportive and understanding of what you feel you need to do.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
4 May 16
@Ruby3881 Sensitivity to each other's needs and feelings should be paramount in such situations. Because emotions do get involved in this case.
1 person likes this
@sabashekh (1218)
• Bhopal, India
4 May 16
Not at all .. Insult ???
Rather the child should be proud of his adopted parents ... Yes for sure he will want to know his biological parents but now his adopted parents matter more than his real parents .
All relations are not a bond of blood some are out of love :)
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60803)
• Perth, Australia
17 May 16
@sabashekh I am sure any child who be happy and proud to be cared for by their adopted parents. Also I am sure that their curiosity about their real parents wouldn't take away that love and respect for the adopted parents. Sometimes children / adults just want answers about certain things to feel some closure.
2 people like this
@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
4 May 16
@sabashekh I thought along the lines too. I mean a child would respect his adoptive parents more for their unselfish love and care. How can it be insulting to them then?
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@sabashekh (1218)
• Bhopal, India
17 May 16
@VivaLaDani13 I agree .. There adopted parents matter a lot to them :)
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