Being Choosy

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I am trying hard to be choosy. I choosing to try not to read stuff into things that might not be there (aka assuming something means something when I dont ask). I am choosing to try to let thing rolls off my back and not upset me. I am trying to choose to focus on the small victories, and not that there are more losses than victories. I am choosing to amble off from situations that I feel are making things worse for me, even if it's just to another room. I am choosing to try. It's hard. It's not something you do once and then boom, it's all good. And while today went ok, and I was ok until about ten minutes ago. Now I am not. Now I sit here, fighting back tears, and chose to blog here about how I am feeling and then I will choose to go bury myself in a book for awhile. I know when I have hit my limit and need to go pretend the world is perfect and be an ostrich for awhile. I read a book once, about two scarred women. One used to be singer/songwriter, who's cheating husband scarred her bad enough she simply stopped listening to her muse and walked away from music. The other was attacked and raped at a frat party. They met, became friends, and went around being all Robin Hood under the guide of being "Lesbian Assassins" (only one even was a lesbian, and that was never really that important of a factor in the books), blackmailing deadbeat dads into paying child support, running off bullies, etc etc. They never actually killed anyone, amusingly enough. The writer, used to write the most amazing books. Then her own marriage imploded. You can see that in her books, and you can see her healing as the characters heal. I thought I had walked through that already. The whole marriage imploding, falling apart, then rebuilding. Apparently ten odd years ago when my first marriage ended I fell apart, then what I recreated had a bad foundation, or something. I will be honest, I felt like I was taping together shards of myself, and never really got to a place where I felt stable. Now...with life and everything going on, I need that solid foundation....and I realize, I don't think I have one. I am still writing though, but to me, these blogs aren't Writing. Writing to me is a story, a poem, something with Feels. Sometimes I hit that here, and I might hint at it with the weekly poem challenges, but I haven't had a Feels piece in awhile. Not sure I am ready to let that Muse back out.