Good day, bad day, good day bad day
By Jekca
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
Centralia, Missouri
June 22, 2016 11:24pm CST
Today was a bad day. Not in how I acted. I kept it all under control. No biting at hubby. No rages. No weeping, which maybe I should have gone for a walk and done so, I gave myself a nasty headache (or I was going to get one anyways, unsure).
Just super frustrated. I feel lots of things. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved. I feel uncared for, unimportant, in the way, stupid, a mess, second best, a nuisance...and all kinds of other less that positive attributes. I feel that I deserve to feel like this, because of the way I have acted, I deserve this.
I am sure some of this is my mind being silly, it does that. I know that life is never one sided, but knowing and feelings...they don't always match in the middle you know.
Someone asked me if I ever was suicidal. I can't say I have never pondered it...BUT before you freak out, I have seen what happens to families and friends when someone does something like that. I still have too many people in my life who would suffer if I did so. As long as they are still living, I would never. I lose them -shrugs- I have no idea. Not anymore.
I need to go bury myself for awhile and turn my brain off, going to go read or watch tv or something.
Thanks for listening, and thanks for the support I KNOW I will get from ya'll. It helps knowing that you are there.
12 people like this
12 responses
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
24 Jun 16
stopping by, showing support, that in of itself is something. 
@else34 (13515)
• New Delhi, India
23 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt,Don't know what to say.However it's good that you didn't hold back your feelings and expressed it all here.Hope,it may give you some relief.
1 person likes this
@else34 (13515)
• New Delhi, India
24 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt I had such depressing feelings several times a few years back.I can understand how you must be feeling.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
25 Jun 16
@else34 it's hard, and annoying, and I feel like my whining annoys people, so it;s a cycle of blech
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
24 Jun 16
stopping by and saying something helps (and I know, what DO you say to someone who says what I did?)
1 person likes this
@Bluedoll (16773)
• Canada
23 Jun 16
Humm interesting. I'm in your head. You really deserve some credit. Having a bad day and not showing it deserves a pat on the back. Plus who ever gets somewhere by acting it out. Listen everyone at one point in their life has thought about flushing the pooper with them in it. Sounds like you are fleeing to want to turn your brain off. Don't blame you. I do sometimes too. What did you say? Whatever.
1 person likes this
@Bluedoll (16773)
• Canada
24 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt done that a few times as well
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
24 Jun 16
I wondered who was rattling around behind my left eyeball. An yeah, sometimes the feels get too big, so avoidance for awhile helps. I turned on cartoons and dozed off on the couch
@Drosophila (16571)
• Ireland
23 Jun 16
This might sound odd, but for me, it takes more calamity to get me focused. I hope you feel better soon
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
24 Jun 16
I hope to see a gradual increase to better, I dont want a boom, suddenly I feel fine, I would always be afraid it would come back.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
24 Jun 16
today was a bit better, and it's really hard for me to do that, because I dont see it. I haven't in awhile.
1 person likes this
@Inlemay (17713)
• South Africa
24 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt you dont need to see it - you just need to BELIEVE it - look at all the things you have already done, they are your key to succeeding! Valarie has give some good advice here below - stay focused and be strong - we are rooting for you - way over the oceans!
Valarie has give some good advice here below - stay focused and be strong - we are rooting for you - way over the oceans! 1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
25 Jun 16
@Inlemay the rooting helps, enough good vibes that I floated along well for a few days. Still doing ok!
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
24 Jun 16
one would need friends to interact with them, I have some online friends, but no one here where we live.
@aarifa (1210)
• India
24 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt so chat with your online friends...
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
25 Jun 16
much appreciated, tv and books are a great way to chill for awhile
1 person likes this
@arthurchappell (44998)
• Preston, England
23 Jun 16
hugs - hope things ease off for you soon - reassuring that you don't feel like taking your own life - you are too rare and precious to lose - take care
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
24 Jun 16
Appreciate it. I couldn't do that to gram, my aunt, hubby. I have seen what it does to those left behind. And at least at this point in life, I couldnt do that to them.
@Letranknight2015 (52079)
• Philippines
23 Jun 16
maybe it's just a feeling? I thought about it sometimes but I just distract myself online or just playing games.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
25 Jun 16
I was, and I did. I fell asleep to scooby do! lol
@Tampa_girl7 (50526)
• United States
24 Jun 16
I hope that your funk goes away soon.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
24 Jun 16
It never really goes too far away, but it has receded today to the point I can function ok
@LindaCPearson (2240)
• United States
23 Jun 16
Sorry you're not feeling all that great today. I sure hope you bring all these feelings up when you next see your therapist. I find that reading is a really great escape for me and I try to always have a good book I'm reading close by.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
24 Jun 16
I have many good books thanks to my ereader, and have some good favorites I go back too. Yesterday I turned to cartoons, scooby doo from my childhood is always nice
1 person likes this
