Allen's Trial Part 1
By N.B. Yomi
@Hanyouyomi (2187)
Dallas, Texas
August 2, 2016 2:03am CST
Lying on the ground, his body began to stir, before his eyes shot open. He slowly stood to his feet, as the breeze blew through his jet black hair, and grazed his peach colored skin. He gazed at his grimy hands, before looking to the darkened woods ahead.
Oh That's right she was kidnapped. He thought, as he lowered his hands.
It started earlier that day as he sat in a field with a young blonde girl in a light blue dress. They held hands, as she graced him with a gentle smile.
"So Allen, surely you had more planned out than metting me here." She giggled, as Allen blushed and lowered his gaze.
"Well no actually, I was just so excited to see you that I didn't have anything planned." He muttered.
"Well no worries, I'm sure you'll think of something on the fly." She replied, as she stood to her feet.
Allen then shot to his feet, before he swopped the girl into his arms, and leaped into the air.
"Allen, what are you doing?" She asked, as she gazed the ground.
"Hold on tight Beatrix." Allen replied, before he shot through the air.
Beatrix clung tightly to his shoulders, with her face buried in his shoulder, as she felt the rushing winds breeze past her and through her hair. She slowly turned her attention to the environment around her to see clouds whizzing by. An expression of bewilderment came across her face, as she realized where she was.
"Y-You can fly?" Beatrix asked, as Allen nodded in response.
He landed in a wooded area, and placed Beatrix on the ground, as she still wore a bewildered expression. Allen then channeled an orb of energy into his hands, before spreading his arms apart and separating it into two smaller orbs. Beatrix watched that the orbs changed into balls of fire.
"What are you?" Beatrix asked.
"Don't worry, I'm human. I just happened to learn sorcery a few years ago." Allen replied, as he dispersed the flames with a wave of his hands.
Beatrix breathed a sigh of relieve, before Allen took her by the hand, and lead her through the forest. She indulged in his gentle grip, as she felt assured that he was still the joyful spontaneous boy she had known since they were little. Beatrix's reminiscing drew her closer to Allen, before she found herself leaning against his back, as they continued their trek.
Beatrix was snapped out of her nostalgia when she felt her body being lifted into the air. She felt herself once again in Allen's arms, as three loud explosions rang in her ears. Beatrix looked to her left and saw three charred patches of grass in front of her. She then looked ahead and saw three lean muscled humanoid creatures with orange skin and horn protruding from their foreheads.
"Allow yourself to be our feast humans, and we'll make your deaths a painless one." The creature in the middle stated.
"Fat chance of that." Allen retorted, as he placed Beatrix back on the ground.
Beatrix stood behind Allen before he charged forward, and leaped over the swing of the middle creature's right arm. Allen landed behind him, before he lunged forward with a right jab. Allen's attack was interuppted, as he was struck in the ribs by the second creature on his right. Allen slid on the ground, before he rebound to his kneels, as he held his right side. The second creature charge towards Allen, as channeled energy into his right hand. The energy ignited into a flame, before he ducked under the creature's left arm, and retaliated with an uppercut to his jaw. The creature staggered back, before Allen charged forward, and was struck in the left by the third creature. Allen hit the ground and slid, before he rebound to his knees once more.
"You really should learn to watch you blind spot human." The third creature said, as he and his partner approached Allen.
"Never thought I'd get advice from a demon, but I'll keep it in mind." Allen replied, as he channeled energy into his hands.
The creatures darted towards Allen, before unleashing a barrage of punches, that Allen tried to parry. Allen was then struck in the stomach five time, and the chest four times, before he crashed against the ground. The creatures turned their attention to their leader who carried Beatrix in his arms. They pproache their leader, before the three vanished within the shadows of the forest.
4 people like this
4 responses
@Genipher (5405)
• United States
9 Aug 16
Can I critique?
I'd like to remind you to not switch POV mid-story. You need a new chapter, page break or something to show that we're seeing things from Beatrix's eyes, instead of Allen's.
Also, show--don't tell-us the color of Allen's hair or skin. Reveal his looks through the course of his adventure.
I like that the hero doesn't automatically win. That the "bad guys" are able to get one over on him. Makes Allen a more believable character.
2 people like this
@Genipher (5405)
• United States
9 Aug 16
@Hanyouyomi
I agree, showing is harder than telling. It personally drives me nuts when I hear that reminder. Because I don't always "get" how to do it.
And now I'm passing it on to you!
Hm. In Star Trek the Andorians call humans "pink skins". From that, a reader could deduce the color of a human's skin (though I guess the Andorians hadn't met a black or tan or albino human...otherwise they'd probably call us something else...).
Perhaps, in your story, the demon-creatures could make some derogatory remark about Allen's appearance that would let the reader "see" that he has dark hair or peach skin.
Or something like, "...Allen absently knelt at the stream to wash his hands. The cool water trickled over his flesh as he scrubbed, revealing pale flesh beneath the grime. As he stood and shook the flecks of water from his hands, he remembered how she had been taken from him..."
Or am I still telling rather than showing?
Gah!
I'm sure you could do it better than my attempt!
You just have to remind yourself...what are his actions? What is he feeling, smelling, seeing?
Of course, all that can be fleshed out (pun intended!) after the initial writing. Sometimes ya just gotta get it down quickly, before you lose it! I know!
@Hanyouyomi (2187)
• Dallas, Texas
9 Aug 16
@Genipher Honestly didn't know that course in the narrative structure would be confusing. Or rather it's more like I overlooked that fact since I had gotten into the groove of writing under the sway of the songs I was switching between. That tends to happen. :p
Also question is describing his appearance through the course of the narrative how one "shows" a character's appearance? Because I haven't nailed how to "show" an appearance as oppose to telling it.
@just4him (317089)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
2 Aug 16
Interesting story. It would make a good science fiction story, but you would need to clean up all your typos if you intend to do anything with it.
@Hanyouyomi (2187)
• Dallas, Texas
2 Aug 16
@just4him Science Fiction wasn't what I was going for really, but fine. And I didn't notice the errors until reading over it gain. That's always bugged me the number of spelling and grammar errors I'd have in the stories I write. But it's par for thecourse in this line of work...
1 person likes this
@just4him (317089)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
5 Aug 16
@Hanyouyomi What kind of genre were you trying for? Typos are something I detest in myself. So I'm always going over my work to make certain it's clean. It's the perfectionist writer in me. I just finished an edit for a book that's coming out in second edition in a few days and was horrified to find the number of sound alike typos I had. I've cleaned those all up and fixed some grammar problems and now I'm very happy with the results.
@Hanyouyomi (2187)
• Dallas, Texas
9 Aug 16
@just4him Wow, as side from the editing of an upcoming released book, you spelled out my entire situation when writing. I tend to be a perefectionist too. But it usually starts out that I'll finish a story and think it's ready to be submitted to a literary agent or book publisher, only to learn in proofreading that there's a myriade of typos and grammar errors, which will cause me to get aggiated, as I fix every one of them that I see. This tends to take multiple read throughs to catch them all.
As for what genre I was aiming to convey? An action fantasy story to be honest. Not sure if that will be conveyed in part two though. :p
2 people like this