First Love

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Not all memories I had of Michael were bad. I mean I was with him for eight years so something seemed to be going right. I’m not a gusher and I don’t want to ever be with him again for all the hurt and pain he’s caused me, but I do remember some good times. The night he proposed to me was early April 2000. We were at a party at his fraternity house. I believe the band, Blue Mountain was playing. The truth was, he would take the ring out of his pocket and propose in front of everyone while playing one our favorite songs. He kept reaching in his pocket and then pulling his hand back out and then reaching in and pulling his hand back out. He was so nervous. Finally, we went home back to my place. He turned on the radio and played the Blue Mountain CD, got down on one knee in my living room, just the two of us and said, “Kristy, will you marry me?” Of course I would of. At that point in my life, we were destined to be together forever. I remember singing in the car with him with the top rolled down on his little red Miata. We would sing really loud even though we both couldn’t really carry a tune. The wind in our hair, our sunglasses on like we were the coolest people in the world, driving down Highway 6 in Oxford. The day we started officially going out, he had invited me to hang out with him. Where did we hang out? At the high school of all places. Both of us had no car and so we met up there and we just walked around the school sometimes venturing to a local store. One of them being a pet store and when we walked in we saw this huge snake. Michael took one look at it and turned to me and said, “Let’s go.” I was ready also. When we got to the Douglas side of the high school, right before the steps, Michael said, “I have something to ask you.” I knew what he was going to ask. Our mutual friends were telling me all week that he wanted to ask me out. Before I could stop him, I said, “Yes, Michael, I will.” Then, I had to clarify that I would go out with him rather than doing something totally different. I remember in college, at my apartment, Michael would watch these documentary animal shows. One in particular being about snakes. I sat down to watch one with him and actually got fascinated by what I saw. I went to bed soon after that and then he climbed into bed with me. During the night I jumped, thinking that something was in our bed and it turned out to be just a dream. He asked me if I was ok and I mumbled back ya. I vaguely remember him resting his hand on my arm and squeezing gently. Back in high school, when I drove us around everywhere because I was the first one to get a car and license. I remember Michael waiting in the mail for something (not sure what it is now). I was parked in his driveway standing outside my car. He went up to his front door and noticed a package. “It’s here!” He yelled excitedly. I started laughing I remember because what he had in his hands was something smaller than what he was waiting for. He went inside and got on his roller blades and came outside with them. He came up to the passenger door and I noticed for a brief second that he wasn’t there. Then, I realized that he had slipped and fallen down. The scene looked like that of a cartoon or a movie. As hard as he tried to grab on he just couldn’t find anything and ended up slipping and landed on the sidewalk. I thought he was crying, but it turns out that he was laughing so I tried hard not to laugh. It was our famous, “it’s here” moment. I remember when Michael took me to our first dance which was Homecoming. I wore this god-aweful green short velvet dress. At the time it was beautiful, but now that I think about it, it seemed so nineties! I was proud though and happy with it. I got my hair all done up and my makeup as well. Michael picked me up and we took our first real photo together. He was so young! Still with braces and a shy grin. I don’t even know where that picture is anymore. Probably packed away. We went to pick up a few more friends with dates and then Michael’s parents dropped us off at Café Margot (no longer there anymore). The most interesting time of that dinner was when the girls all got up to go refresh themselves. After that, Michael’s parents came back and dropped us all off at the dance. We went in and I had a wonderful time. We danced fast and slow, I barely remember the actually dance. Michael’s parents came back to pick us all up. His father dropped off all the girls first, but each guy got out of his car to walk the girl’s to their door. I was the last one to be dropped off and I swear, his father went around the block a little longer. I was going to kiss Michael. I hadn’t fully kissed anyone in a year so this was going to be big. I remember my back to my front door and I said, “I’ve planned on doing something the entire night.” And he whispered, “What?” He knew what was going to happen and was waiting in anticipation. “This.” I leaned in and kissed him but not for long because before I knew what was happening, my foot had somehow gotten caught on his foot and I had twisted around and landed on my back with him on me!! What a great way to start off a relationship!! We laughed and then he helped me up. Thankfully, his parents hadn’t come back yet from driving around the block so it didn’t look like I was a total weirdo. On days where we could be lazy in college, I remember letting our dog, Daisy out to run around a bit and Michael would come up behind me and hug me from behind. Those seemed like the best moments. I felt safe. Michael was in a fraternity and every Christmas there would be a Christmas party. The year before he proposed, a couple came in and the girl was gushing because she had just been proposed. I felt odd because we were together before they were and they got proposed first! So, Michael reached for his gift to me and gave me a small metal box big enough for a pair of earrings with my initials engraved on the top. Only my last initial was his. Of course there are many more, but those other memories are private thoughts that I really do hold dear to my heart. Although I bash him a lot, I’m really more upset with the fact that he’s not mine anymore and that he chose someone else over me after a relationship that could put out fires. I will never forget him. I will always hold a special place in my heart for him, but I am no longer the person I once was. I am mature. I have a child of my own and a new love of my life. Micahel and I were once best friends. But now, I have a new best friend. If I love my husband so much, why do I keep talking and sharing my soul about someone I was with ages ago? Easy. He was my first love and I will never erase that from my memory no matter how much I try. As Michael said to me a while ago, we had a bond. So, Michael, if you are reading this, and I know you will, please note that I always loved you and never tried to hurt you. I never cheated on you and never wanted any harm to you. But, I don’t love you now. I won’t love you ever again. My love for him has been replaced for someone else. And, I do love my husband with all my heart and soul. I miss him when I think about him and can’t wait to see him at the end of each day. My soul has been refreshed by him. He will love me forever and that is how I intend to keep things. Thankfully, a heart can heal and he’s doing a good job of helping me out.