How do you grieve when you lose somebody you care for?
By The Horse
@TheHorse (218881)
Walnut Creek, California
August 16, 2016 2:32pm CST
A sad subject, I know, but one that's relevant to me right now.
I lost a favorite colleague at work a couple of weeks ago. She was only in her 40s or 50s, and an undetected blood clot took her away from us.
The funeral is this weekend.
Elizabether Kubler-Ross says there are predictable stages to the grieving process: denial (she can't really be gone; I'm already over it), bargaining (God, I'll quit smoking and drinking if you spare her), anger (toward oneself for not doing enough, toward God for taking her, etc.), depression (needs no explanation), and acceptance (finding meaning in her loss; internalizing parts of her you loved).
I know that I also feel anxious when I lose somebody.
Do Kubler-Ross's stages make sense to you? How do you find yourself grieving a loss? Do you think the grieving process ever really ends for someone you loved dearly?
23 people like this
20 responses
@Jeanniemaries (8237)
• United States
17 Aug 16
We lost a cherished young man of 30 last month. I really don't know how I deal with it. I cry at unexpected moments but I don't cry all the time. It will be two years in October that I lost my husband of 45 years. I just recently started to feel pretty normal. For me, I try to keep to my routine and remember no one is promised tomorrow, not at any age. Don't hold in the tears but don't wallow in them. Everyone grieves differently. I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly am.
1 person likes this
@Jeanniemaries (8237)
• United States
17 Aug 16
@TheHorse No we don't get over it, but learn to cope with the loss in different ways. People who appear to be fine and "over it" are probably not on the inside. What face we show isn't always what we are really feeling. Some can move on more easily than others. Neither should be judged but often are. It's strange but people do watch how others grieve.
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
16 Aug 16
I think that the cycle can start over, even once you hit acceptance, but that the cycles generally get easier to handle and the non acceptance parts get shorter, or you skip some of the stages.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
17 Aug 16
@TheHorse never really felt there was a reason to bargain, pretty sure if that was a thing that was real, the world would be much different already
@Marilynda1225 (82799)
• United States
16 Aug 16
So sorry to hear that you lost a dear friend and I think grieving is an individual process and there's no time frame for how you feel.
1 person likes this
@Marilynda1225 (82799)
• United States
17 Aug 16
@TheHorse I'm sure it depends on the person too how long the grieving process takes
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
17 Aug 16
In your heart is where they reside and until your heart stops, they will be there; whether human or critter. Depending on how close they were to you is how often you will think of them. It is rare that we can stop an incident from taking place. The loss is out of our control but the Memories are the best thing that we have. To remember them is their gift to us @TheHorse .
1 person likes this
@fcmondez (413)
• Quezon, Philippines
16 Aug 16
I just want to be alone when I grieve. I cry when it is too much, and oftentimes I just sleep to forget.
@cherriefic (10399)
• Philippines
17 Aug 16
Sorry to hear that. When I lost my mother a couple of years ago, I was shocked and dont really know how to react or grieve.
@CinnamonGrl (7084)
• Santa Fe, New Mexico
17 Aug 16
I lost my best friend, the man I was married to but separated from, five years ago. My son and I went to take care of him. We lost him to gastric cancer, it was horrible. You know how it is to watch someone you love suffer. Plus there were regrets. I haven't really gotten "over" it. Time has allowed me to adjust to it, to his not being here, but I will never really be the same. I guess the "stages" they talk about make sense but I just think that when you lose someone that important to you, you forever think of everything as "before" and "after." You won't be who you were.
@Tampa_girl7 (50258)
• United States
17 Aug 16
I think it lessons in time, but we never totally get over the loss.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (218881)
• Walnut Creek, California
17 Aug 16
I'd have to agree. It's been more than 30 years since my father passed away, and I've integrated pats of his conscience and personality into mine, but still get "all tore up" when Mufasa tells Simba 'Remember who you are" from lion heaven.
1 person likes this
@Drosophila (16571)
• Ireland
17 Aug 16
I don't think of them as forever gone. I think of them as see you later. I still talk to them aloud and dreams of them often.
1 person likes this
@jillybean1222 (6407)
•
16 Aug 16
I guess there are stages, but the thing to remember is that they won't go in any particular order and they will come multiple times. I lost my son, 13 years old at the time, completely unexpectedly 3.5 years ago. I still have moments of denial. I still feel angry at times. I''ve accepted it, yet I haven't. I think grief is very different for each person. I'm sorry for your loss
1 person likes this
@Dena91 (16636)
• United States
17 Aug 16
No I believe I only adjust to life without my loved ones, I never get through the grieving process. This year near Fathers day while shopping I began to get emotional looking at the cards. It dawned on me it has been 10 years since I was able to get one for my Dad. It hit me hard.
The holes in my heart will never be filled with anyone or anything else. Just my thoughts. Have a blessed evening
1 person likes this
@crazyhorseladycx (39509)
• United States
17 Aug 16
my deepest condolences'n the loss 'f yer colleague, hon. 
i reckon i'm a bit odd perhaps? i generally head right 'nto the acceptance portion most quickly. preferrin' to honor the memories 'nstead 'f wallowin' 'n the grief.
i reckon i'm a bit odd perhaps? i generally head right 'nto the acceptance portion most quickly. preferrin' to honor the memories 'nstead 'f wallowin' 'n the grief.
@ElizabethWallace (12074)
• United States
17 Aug 16
Yes, they do. I was in the throes of grief once when I asked why those around me kept dying. A little voice came to me, "It has nothing to do with you." That made it easier to accept. I was just collateral damage.
@Mike197602 (15505)
• United Kingdom
16 Aug 16
I've only ever lost one close relative which was my mum.
Had a couple of friends killed in Afghanistan and one in Iraq.
I don't think I personally went through any stages as such.
Initially I was upset (angry in some cases) and I miss my mum but I accepted it.
Some days I'm fine others I can get a little upset.
I don't think you ever stop missing someone if that counts as grieving.
I remember those stages and first learned about them when I went to do a course on terminal illness...from what I saw those stages did apply to quite a few who had been given a terminal diagnosis...but to varying degrees...some went through all, some just a few and some were stuck at anger.
@responsiveme (22926)
• India
17 Aug 16
My deepest condolences, I don't think the grief ends even with acceptance.
