How Do I Explain Me

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I know I'm unique as is everyone else on this planet. That doesn't mean I'm like everyone else. I have my oddities as some of you noticed today with the first article I wrote this morning on how upset I was when my son just walked in my home without my being there. So let me try to explain me. If I can. Let's start with things I hate. Hate is a harsh word so let's change it to dislike. Not quite so fierce. Sports Okay I dislike the Cubs. Thanks to my dad who could talk of nothing else sports wise in the way of baseball the whole time I was growing up. It was nauseating. I loved the Braves - still do despite the fact they moved out of Milwaukee in my high school years. I dislike the Brewers as much as I dislike the Cubs. I love the Packers. I'm green and gold all the way. Outdoor activities I absolutely despise and reject any notion of camping. Do not ask me to go along on a camping trip unless you're willing to foot the bill for a hotel room. I will not sleep outside in a tent on the ground. There is absolutely no way you could get me to do that ever ever again. Again thanks to my dad and mom dragging me with them from the time I was born until I moved away from home. It rained the whole time we were camping. I was wet and so was everything else. I love swimming, also thanks to my dad for teaching me how to swim. People I have a very hard time with people. I know that is hard to believe, but it's true. I have an inferiority complex a mile wide. People used me and then stabbed me in the back the whole time I was growing up. I didn't know who I could trust and those who wanted to be my friends, turned out to be after something from me. Then they laughed at me and called me stupid - it was almost a nickname throughout my school years. Again, thanks to my parents who played cards with the parents of the family with the most kids and they would tell them how stupid I was in school and how hard it was for me to understand the simplest things. They obviously told their kids and it was soon all over school how stupid I was. My Family - Parents and siblings Growing up I never knew whether Mom and Dad loved each other. Mom was always yelling at Dad and Dad seemed happiest when he was away from home and us kids. I only saw my dad on weekends because he worked second shift and that's the only time he didn't work. He left for work before I got home from school and was asleep when I went to school. Mom only cared about herself. She was the epitome of self-centeredness. As for my siblings, we didn't get along with each other either. I think we hated one another until our adult years. However, I loved my baby brother. I even prayed for a brother, and God granted my request. He was my joy from the time he was born until I left home. He was 10 years younger than me and I still love him to pieces. However, my brother next to me in age and my younger sister I had absolutely no use for. They treated me the same as all the other kids in school did. It's good to know some things do change and I love my sister very much now. As much as my younger brother. I was even beginning to like my brother next to me in age when he passed away two years ago. So since we had never gotten along very well and I really didn't know him or his likes or dislikes, I really felt nothing when he died. Because of the relationship I had with my parents, I felt nothing for them either when they passed. Mom never liked me and Dad never had anything good to say to me. Leaving Home I couldn't get away from home fast enough. I always said I ran away with my father's signature on the dotted line when I went into the Navy. I loved the Navy. It was freedom from the moment I raised my right hand and gave the oath of allegiance to the United States of America. My Navy days were short lived however. One year, two months, and two days short. They were the best days of my life. I had fun for the first time in my life. I also got into a bit of trouble. I had never drunk before I went into the Navy, and I haven't had anything to drink since I was married. However, there was one night I was in a duty status and I was drunk. I got put on report and went before a Captain's Mast. The only saving thing about that was I was still a recruit so they couldn't bust me down any further. They just told me not to let it happen again and it would be off my record in six months. It never happened again. My Marriage and Family I was married on November 11, 1972 and divorced on March 11, 1994. We had three children, all of whom I love very much. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. Really. That doesn't mean that everything I experienced as a child was going to turn me into a mushy kind of person over night. It didn't and still hasn't. Because a person needs to be shown love in order to give love, I had a hard time showing my children how much I love them. I was already pretty firm in what I liked and didn't like in a person's behavior and being used was not something anybody was going to do to me ever again, and that included my children. Or so I thought. Because of my inferiority complex I couldn't say no to anybody. I felt I had to say yes. So my husband and my children have taken advantage of my good nature all my life. That is until my marriage came to a screeching halt in 1993 - August of that year and I filed for divorce. It was final in March of 1994. As for my children, all they need to do is ask and I give. However, I'm learning to draw the line. I no longer hand out money like water to my older son and my younger son never asks me for money, neither does my daughter, who has a wonderful husband and a good home so she has no need of anything from me. Except my love. However, growing up taught me not to take advantage of other people. I determined that I would never just walk into anybody's home, whether they were family or not. Good friends often just walked in as well. I saw this all too often and it seemed downright discourteous. I turn off the TV if I have company. My parents never did and I thought it plain rude. I never invite myself to any function. Again I saw that in my parents. I don't push myself on my children. If they want me to be part of their lives, it's up to them to ask me. I love them, but they have their lives and it isn't mine. Am I lonely? Yes, I am. I wish more than anything else that I had a better relationship with my children. I wish love were the foundation of my life so I knew how to give it to my children and even to my husband, but that's over and will never be resurrected again as he also passed away without a teardrop from me when he did last year. My Career as a Writer Because of my home life as a child and my intense need to feel love from someone, I started writing at the age of 8. Writing became my life, though I didn't know it then. I was always writing. I couldn't write anything decent to save my soul back then and even up to my early adult years, but I still kept working at it. Every story I wrote was plotless. That all changed in 1980. In fact my whole life changed in 1980. I found two loves that year. The love of my Savior, Jesus Christ, when I became a Born Again Christian in April that year. It was also when Scarred was born. November 1980 was when the nugget of Scarred became a reality for me. Though I had to do more than write a plotless 39 page story. As a new Christian I determined to write for the glory of God and I asked God how to write. So my education began in the writing world. I subscribed to writer magazines and read every word from cover to cover. I learned what the publishing industry wanted and didn't want. So Scarred was born. Only it wasn't Scarred back then. Not knowing much about titles it was Joanne for the longest time. Up to a couple years ago when a new computer wouldn't allow me to save it under that name because it was already saved under that and I had to come up with another name, and Scarred came into being. I had read something by Isaac Asimov about what constituted a good book. He said a good book had to have so many pages or it wasn't worth the pulp it was written on. I think that number was 250. I determined my book would be worth the pulp it was written on, so I made an agreement with myself and God about the number of pages - 500; the number of chapters - 12; the number of pages per chapter - 39. With that goal in mind I began writing in earnest and came to a complete halt at 39 pages. All my plotless stories were 39 pages and I needed to get past that page, so with a lot of prayer and my first writer's block, I finally got past that thirty-ninth page. A strange thing started taking place as I wrote. I actually fell in love for the first time, only it wasn't with a person it was with the characters in my book. They became my best friends. I found I couldn't wait to get started on my book when I woke up in the morning because I had a need to know what they were doing. That love affair grew with each book I wrote and today I have over 50 titles, 14 finished manuscripts and 3 published books with the first in second edition this week. I'm an odd person I know. I have my likes and dislikes, but so does everyone else. I don't want anyone to take advantage of me ever again in my life and I am learning to put my foot down and draw the line. Thank you for reading. I hope I explained me to you. Picture is mine