What He Said
By patgalca
@patgalca (18398)
Orangeville, Ontario
November 9, 2016 11:26pm CST
I know I could have posted this update a couple of days ago but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm still not sure what it all means. I still feel scared and unsure of my/our future.
I went to talk to my husband about the growing out of facial hair for Movember. This turned into a deep and tearful (on my part) discussion about our relationship. Among things he said were,
"I don't know what love is"
"I don't love you as much as I should" (or something to that affect)
"I don't love you, I like you"
"We have nothing in common"
"It's not your fault you got sick"... "but you don't want to do anything"
"I gave up on our marriage a long time ago"
"I don't want to work at it" (because I said marriage takes work)
"You deserve someone who loves you"
"Neither one of us has any place to go"
"How can you love someone who shows you no love?"
"We'll just keep going the way we've been going... lots of people do it"
"It can't get any worse; it can't get any better"
So where does that leave me? I went into the kitchen to make his dinner and lunch for work. I mumbled to God "This is me still trying". I'm not going to give up. Hugs and kisses when saying hello and good-bye, embracing when he came to bed in the morning after working all night, holding my hand. Has nothing changed? I don't know yet. I continue to tell him I love him but have yet to hear it back from him. If we are to keep going as we have been then there should be intimacy. There hasn't been the opportunity and I'm afraid to ask.
I have to admit, pretty much everything he said is stuff I have been thinking for awhile. I've always said he loves me in his own weird way, and I still believe he does and I told him so. Granted he is not affectionate outside the bedroom unless in greeting or parting. He never was. I blame his upbringing on some of this. His father was not a good role model of a husband; his mother had 8 kids to care for.
I was married once before. It was an abusive relationship and know that there were signs and messages from God telling me I shouldn't marry him. As for my current husband, we broke up, I moved away, then he got in touch with me again, sparks flew. I feel God brought us together for a reason. There's no doubt we have both changed and grown as a result of being together. I don't believe God wants this marriage to end. I need a huge prayer circle to help heal and re-build.
Funny thing is, after all this, he shaved the chin hair and is only growing the moustache. Man is it gray! It's obviously a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. However, I wish I had just left it alone. Live and learn.
I'm trying to pretend like that conversation never happened but I fear he will pull away now that he has voiced his feelings. Time will tell, I guess. In the meantime, I keep praying and keep loving him.
6 people like this
10 responses
@Happy2BeMe (99380)
• Canada
10 Nov 16
I will keep you in my prayers. It must have been so hard to hear those things. I would not be able to handle being told things like that. It breaks my heart just reading it. I wish you and your husband all the best. It takes two to make a marriage work.
3 people like this
@patgalca (18398)
• Orangeville, Ontario
10 Nov 16
@Happy2BeMe I just hope I'm not kidding myself. Am I being delusional thinking it will get better? But then there is the believer in me having faith in what God wants.
1 person likes this
@Happy2BeMe (99380)
• Canada
10 Nov 16
@patgalca I am glad that you have your faith to hang on to. It may get better as long as he doesn't give up completely, there is always hope.
@yukimori (10149)
• United States
20 Nov 16
I think what you need to do is focus on yourself for the time being and seek individual therapy. It may be possible that your husband will be willing to join you in marriage counseling, but it sounds like he's been completely checked out of the relationship for a long time if what he's saying is any indication. I hope that's not truly the case--is it that he's wallowing in self-pity and feels that he's doing a favor by pushing you away, or is he hoping that you'll make the hard choice(s) for him if he shoves enough? I wish I could say for sure.
Another thought--perhaps he would benefit from a support group for spouses and partners of those with fibromyalgia and/or other chronic illnesses? I know based on our experiences that it's often tough for my husband to understand exactly what having fibromyalgia is like, even though he's the one who points out most of the times when I push myself a bit too hard. It's hard for those on the outside to comprehend the pain and fatigue, especially when outwardly we look just fine to everyone else. You really don't "get" it until you've lived with it yourself.
Now that I think about it, it sounds like he's hitting a point of burnout. Have you asked him what you can do to help him recharge? Will he give you a sincere answer? It's really tough to try to strengthen a relationship when only one person is doing the work, and this is one of those things where he has to want to participate and improve things between you.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18398)
• Orangeville, Ontario
20 Nov 16
@yukimori Thanks for your support. I am looking into counselling for myself. He refuses saying that once you go to counselling then the marriage is basically over. He did go to counselling many years ago to help him deal with my illness. It didn't do much for him. I have asked him what I can do but he says nothing. It is hard being the only one working but I will continue to work. Not sure whether he's having a mid-life crisis or not but he has said in the past that he doesn't know what love is because he didn't grow up with it. I explained that I didn't grow up with it either but I know how to love. I miss hearing those words from him.
I've never heard of that book. I will check it out.
@yukimori (10149)
• United States
20 Nov 16
Oh, something I just thought of: have you ever heard of The Love Dare? It's a devotional by Alex and Stephen Kendrick that was published several years ago. Basically a 40-day challenge for saving and strengthening marriages. I just feel like it's something you should look into.
1 person likes this
@Fishmomma (11377)
• United States
10 Nov 16
I agree pray for things to work out and they will in time. Relationships take work and we all know people view their time together differently. Big hugs
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18398)
• Orangeville, Ontario
11 Nov 16
@Fishmomma It's hard when he said he gave up on our marriage a long time ago and that he doesn't want to work at it. I just feel a little bit in limbo.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Nov 16
this is so sad I would not be able to handle it if it were me I think I would giveup'
and give him what he is hinting for a divorce as thats no way to live but that's just ,
my opinion I do not think I could love some one who does not love me
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18398)
• Orangeville, Ontario
17 Nov 16
He is not asking for a divorce. He knows neither one of us has the resources to move out. I am disabled and earn no money. I am praying hard and am trying hard not to give up. Things really haven't changed around here except for my mental state of mind.
@Letranknight2015 (52149)
• Philippines
11 Nov 16
Maybe God is the one that never betrays us if we choose to love him instead. Unfortunately my faith had been shaking lately.
1 person likes this
@Inlemay (17713)
• South Africa
10 Nov 16
no pretending - the conversation happened, but maybe for a good reason because now you see the light, and one can work on things that you might think are amiss in a relationship - I think MEN spout from their mouths without thought and spend the rest of their lives being sorry for saying what the do!
@Morleyhunt (21744)
• Canada
10 Nov 16
Shaving his goatee, leaving just the moustache. It's only for a month.
@patgalca (18398)
• Orangeville, Ontario
10 Nov 16
@Morleyhunt That's what he said. LOL! But, I don't believe he will shave it off after the month. I know him too well.
@patgalca (18398)
• Orangeville, Ontario
11 Nov 16
@Morleyhunt When I met my husband he had a mustache, which he shaved off after he broke up with me after 3 months. It wasn't gray back then! LOL!
@Morleyhunt (21744)
• Canada
10 Nov 16
@patgalca my husband has had a beard and has been clean shaven...it's his choice. I love him with or without facial hair. I have had long hair and short hair....I know which my husband prefers, but I please myself. He respects my decision.
1 person likes this
I know how it feels..
EI don't know what to say...!