Coming "Out" to My Mom

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There is always discussion on testimony's for men and women coming out to their parents, so I thought I would share a little bit of my experience to hear other's thoughts. You see, I've been dating an amazing guy for the past two years, and he's been my best friend for three years. His name is Tyler and he's beyond perfect. I love him more than life itself and I don't know how I was blessed with such an amazing man in my life. However, and I'm sorry if this is too informative, I had my first wet dream when I was five years old and it was about a woman. Yes, you read that correctly; I was only five. I've always known that I was attracted to women, but because of my family, I always tried to push those thoughts out of my head so I wouldn't be looked down on more than I already am. I didn't want to be shunned from the family. I've always been the black sheep of the family as it is and I didn't want to add on to the pile. I kept mentally abusing myself, trying to "think myself straight." Telling myself in my head that it IS all in my head, I don't like girls, I can't like girls, basically beating myself up for it for a VERY long time. I even went to preachers trying to be "cured" without my mother's knowledge. I didn't want to shame my mother for having a lesbian daughter. Nothing ever worked. Why? Because I was born this way. This is the way I am. Finally, the first family member I told was my younger sister, when I was 16 and she was 13. She was the only one in my family that knew for a long time, because she was the only one who didn't judge me and understood. Yes, she was young, but I couldn't tell my mom. As a couple years go by I found out it was good that I didn't tell her. This is why: My younger sister discovered that she also had a small attraction to women. She was going through the phase that everyone (to my understanding) goes through in between the ages of 13 and 15. I knew my sister wasn't gay, but she wanted to experiment with girls about a year and a half ago (she was 15 at the time). She said she liked it, but she was also drinking. She has always had a closeness with my mother that I never had, and so she went to her about it. She said, "Mom, I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual." My mother looked her in the eye and told her, "I didn't raise you to be that way." I know my sister isn't gay like I said, but because of the way my mother responded to her "coming out", I decided to never tell my mom that I'm gay. Yes, you may be confused because as I said before, I'm dating a man and totally in love with a man. But in my eyes; you can't help who you love. Tyler will be the only man I will ever be with again. I am not attracted to men. However, I am in love with Tyler. I'm in love with his soul. His heart. His personality. And to me, that makes him the best looking person in the whole world. So yes, I am attracted to him; male parts and all. God forbid, if anything were to happen to him, I wouldn't be with another man as long as I live. Why? Because I am not attracted to men. I am attracted to women. My mother has always insisted that you aren't born gay. Because of our generation and social media, she says kids are taught to be gay because of vulgar movies, Facebook, and the way we were raised. She says she's scared for how the world will be when we (my generation) are grandparents. She says, "You never know what's going to happen next. Now that the world is becoming more acceptable for the gays, you don't know what will happen in the next 40-50 years. People could say, 'I'm in love with my dog and my dog is in love with me. Love is love.'" Actually comparing homosexuals to bestiality. My mother is a preacher's daughter. She was a preacher's daughter as an older teen so you can imagine how she was when she was 17/18/19 years old. I came out to my mom some months ago now. I told her everything I've told you, and then some. All the things I'd done with girls, how many girls I'd been with, and she had a lot of questions. I thought it was going well. I felt so good. Finally being able to tell my mom this secret I've held from her for fifteen years. Like I said before, I've never had the special bond with my mom like my other siblings had so you could say it felt like I was being 100% true to myself and my mother for the first time in my life. After about an hour of talking, answering questions, and having what I thought was the best heart-to-heart with my mom I'd ever had, she finally gave me that ending response. If you're gay and came out to your parents, then you know what I mean. Usually, they'll say, "Well I'll always love you for who you are, no matter what." or "You're my daughter, I love you, and I'll support you no matter your sexual orientation." That's not what she told me. I'll never forget her final response she gave me. She said she didn't have anything to worry about it because I'm with Tyler. She said she was going to act as if, I never told her I was gay. She said she wouldn't tell my step-dad or siblings, and that I shouldn't tell them either. That it would stay between the two of us. I'm glad I finally told my mom that I'm gay. But-- I don't know. I should have known she wouldn't have responded the way I wanted her to, after what happened with my little sister. I know how my mom is; Christian, and pretty close minded with a lot of things. I love my mom so much, and I just wanted her to accept me. But, I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.