Confessions of a battled mind

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I have never been on a plane before. I don't even own a passport. But if I could describe my childhood it would be a turbulent, stormy plane ride. Of course, not all of it was hail and thunder. I had sunny moments and flowery experiences. But what stuck with me and still sticks to me like napalm are the dysfunctional times: violence, anger, shaming, guilt, resentment, lowering of self-esteem and lack of stability. I didn't have a strong relationship with my parents. I loved them, yes. I still love them. But there was always something missing. And there was too much dysfunction going on. I felt that they did not care to learn their daughter. It seems that what you lack in family, you try to seek in friends and others. I started dating at 15 years old. And all my relationships ( I have had only 3 serious relationships to date) have been volatile and an emotional roller coaster ride. I could not figure it out. I did not know the seed of anger was planted in me from childhood. And it was growing and growing. And a lot of the reason for all that internalized anger was the lack of voice that I had at home growing up. Thoughts and feelings of mine were not valued or coined worthy of being heard or understood. My diary was my best friend.What kind of parent-child or family relationship is that? That you are not provided a safe environment to speak your mind and be vulnerable. But I was still vulnerable because my self-esteem was always being burned. I couldn't understand why I had intense mood swings, intense emotions and abandonment issues. I catastrophize the future. I swing from feeling in love to feeling disgusted. I run away when I feel I have no control or that I'll be doomed if I stay. I focus on a negative thought and repeat it in my head all different kinds of ways and it becomes a domino effect. It becomes a chain reaction: one negative thought or perceived outcome after another. It drives me crazy and I wonder when will I ever be truly happy. The emotional instability and the anxiety cloud my vision. It makes it hard to see my way out. It makes it hard to think I can lead a positive, fulfilling life. Though I can. And I juggle different versions of myself...my self- identity. I feel who I am and who I want to be are two separate things and I wish to bridge the gap. I have so many different interests that I don't know which one would suite me the best. I start things I don't finish and then I feel defeated. Academically, I am smart. I get A's. Two B's in my entire education. But does it really matter? Emotionally I feel broken. I am no doctor but I strongly believe I have borderline personality disorder. And I didn't go to WebMD and just say "ha! that's what I have and it doesn't matter if professionals disagree!" Never have I ever received mental health counseling from any professional, but I seek it more than ever now. And I will get a professional opinion and a proper diagnosis (if my own intuition is broken) I want to become a better person today than I was yesterday. And a better person tomorrow than I am today. And I want to put an end to or at least begin to fully mend these scarred chapters of my life. And make way for new and better ones.