How Do You Forgive Someone?
By Jessica
@missjessicadawn (3286)
United States
January 26, 2017 8:22pm CST
My mother and I don't have a relationship. Honestly, I'm ok with that. She was very abusive towards me since I was a kid and it got worse as I got older. She would scream at me for hours over things that my sister did wrong when I wasn't even there. Everything always had to be my fault. I was beaten to the point where I was screaming. I remember praying as a child that the neighbor's would hear my screams and come save me. They never did.
My mother would tell me that I was the spawn of satan and that she hated me so much she had dreams of killing me. I cried myself to sleep every night, wondering what I was doing wrong to make my own mother hate me so much. It took years to convince myself that I truly wasn't a bad person and never did anything wrong. I was a good kid. My mother is bi-polar and she used me as her outlet for all her anger.
I haven't spoken to her since I moved out of the house about 8 years ago. I've accepted not having a mother in my life. My problem is that I can't let go of the anger and hate from all the years of abuse. I want to move past it and let it all go, but I can't. Most people's advice is to forgive her and move on. But how do you forgive someone who isn't sorry? How does that work? I still feel so angry about it and I hate to say "It's ok, I forgive you." It's so hard to do when I've been hurt so badly.
Do you guys have any advice?
17 people like this
19 responses
@Namelesss (3365)
• United States
27 Jan 17
Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel that anger and pain. It's okay, feelings aren't meant to be tossed aside they are there to help you express yourself. You can indeed forgive her but may never forgive her actions. Whatever you do you will need to find a way to let it go so you can move forward. Forgiveness is not for her, it is for you, it is giving yourself permission to feel the way you do and move on. She has her own demons you take care of yours. The only caveat is that you must not take out your anger and pain on others and that includes yourself. Allow it, feel it, let it go. Love and hugs to you hon. You will find your way.
5 people like this
@GardenGerty (160879)
• United States
27 Jan 17
This is some of the best advice I have seen on your question right here. It is very well expressed.
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
That helps me a lot. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. :-)
@paigea (36316)
• Canada
27 Jan 17
It was on a TV show but someone said holding on to hatred/ anger is like drinking poisin and hoping it will harm the other person. Getting past it is something you do for you. How? I don't know. I would need help to deal with getting past that. Take care
5 people like this
@paigea (36316)
• Canada
30 Jan 17
@missjessicadawn think it is hard to let it go. One can't forget about it, but a person wants to let it stay in the past and not cloud the future. Good luck to you.
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
That quote is very true. I realize the anger isn't doing me any good. I'm doing my best to let it go.
1 person likes this
@WorDazza (15830)
• Manchester, England
27 Jan 17
Who is the anger and hatred hurting? Not your mother! You! And indirectly any relationship you have with anyone else.
Forgiving someone is something you do for yourself. You don't forgive someone to absolve that person of any responsibility for their actions.
I completely understand that it is easier said than done but you really do have to try. For your own good!
3 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
You're absolutely right. My anger and hatred has never affected her at all. It's only been doing damage to myself. I'll keep reminding myself of that. Thank you very much for your advice. I really appreciate it. :-)
1 person likes this
@WorDazza (15830)
• Manchester, England
31 Jan 17
@missjessicadawn You're very welcome. I just hate seeing good people destroy themselves by becoming consumed with anger towards someone who is completely oblivious to it all.
I hope you can do it. For you!
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
31 Jan 17
@WorDazza I'll do my best! :-)
1 person likes this
@Chellezhere (5741)
• United States
27 Jan 17
During my marriage, I was diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety, and PTSD. I was also angry. My minor in college was psychology. So, I know I needed help. I went to a behavioral therapist to learn to live and to love myself and others again. During those sessions, I also learned how to forgive those whom I had deemed unforgivable.
4 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
Thank you for sharing this. Therapy is something I may need to consider...
@Happy2BeMe (99380)
• Canada
27 Jan 17
I am sorry you had to go through that with your mom. No child should ever be abused. Yes your mom was sick but she could have gotten help. She could have given you up to a better home where you would have been loved and cared for. I don't know how you could forgive her, it would be hard. Have you had any counseling? My fiance is the same way he has nothing to with his Dad for many reasons but he can't seem to let it go. It angers him and hurts him over and over again. I wish it was easy to forgive and more on but I just don't know how that can be done. 
4 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I'm guessing this is just something that needs time. I can't just flip a switch and make myself stop being upset. I'll have to work on not thinking about it and focusing on things that make me happy instead. I've thought about journaling about it. Maybe that will help. I never really talk about it a lot cause it makes me upset.
1 person likes this
@Happy2BeMe (99380)
• Canada
30 Jan 17
@missjessicadawn I can understand that. I know it does the same to my fiance. He doesn't like to talk about it. I think journaling would be a great idea.
1 person likes this
@TheInvisibleMan (17597)
•
27 Jan 17
I think that as much as we try, some ties can not be undone.
3 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I hope that's not the case. I would really love to move past this. :-(
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
@TheInvisibleMan Thank you! :-)
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160879)
• United States
27 Jan 17
You have some really good comments here. I would echo many of the ideas. 1. Forgiveness is for you, to make your life better. When you hold on to the pain and hatred you are still letting her abuse you, over and over again. 2. If you can, get help. Religious counseling, or mental health support. This is a very heavy burden to try to carry. I will also say, though, that your myLot community is a great place to start talking about it. A counselor will give you concrete steps on how to get there, though. 3. Your mother is sick. That does not make her right, but it does make her emotionally dangerous to you. It is an explanation, not an excuse. She is carrying demons in her mind, you need to stand back until she gets help. If you ever suspect that you also have mental health problems, like bi polar, go for personal help early, rather than late. Hugs to you. I think it is great that you do want help.
3 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
Your advice means a lot. I used to worry so much that I would grow up and become like her but I'm not worried about that anymore. While I do carry a lot of anger towards her for what she did to me, I've never treated anyone else with the kind of anger and hatred that she inflicted on me. I've never even had any thoughts of being cruel to someone else. I remember what it felt like for her to treat me so horribly and I would never want anyone else to do that same. I've thought of counseling but I wanted to try other options first. This is the first I've really "publicly" talked about my issue about my mother. Most in my family don't even know how bad it was. I felt like it would help to talk about it and let it out instead of letting it stay inside and eat me up.
@allknowing (137553)
• India
28 Jan 17
You do not have to forgive but you can make efforts to forget and move on.
2 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I've been working on that. It's not easy... :-(
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
27 Jan 17
professional counseling, sometimes you need help to move past stuff that's that deep down in your past and soul and mind
2 people like this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
31 Jan 17
@missjessicadawn it's a hard step to take, trust me. I've been there. but having someone you can tell ANYTHING too, who doesn't judge and has the training to help guide you is totally worth it. No judgement, it's like going to the doctor for an infection, that's all
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I'll have to consider it.. :-(
1 person likes this
@akalinus (43332)
• United States
30 Jan 17
@missjessicadawn I know it does. Just remember that you are a lovely, valuable person.
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I've gotten over a lot of the things she has said to me but others still affect me. I'm doing my best.
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
@akalinus :-) Thank you very much :-)
1 person likes this
@garymarsh6 (23404)
• United Kingdom
27 Jan 17
OH dear you poor thing. You know your mum was ill. It was the illness talking to you not really her. You must try to forgive then you can move on and have a happy life, You have been abused enough and its time to put it behind you and move on. See if there are some support groups near where you live. If not perhaps have a chat with the samaritans who might put you in touch with someone who could help you burn these horrible thoughts.
Have a big hug from this side of the Atlantic and I hope you can finally put it all behind you and move on. There will be support groups in the USA I am sure about that. Perhaps your local social services might be able to help or the bipolar help centre may put you in touch with someone. Here is their number I think it is a free number in America. 855-315-4764 I am not sure but I hope it is and you can get some advice there at least.
2 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
Your help means a lot to me! Thank you very much! I'm going to do the best I can to get help and get over this! :-)
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (29820)
• Momence, Illinois
27 Jan 17
How to forgive one who has hurt you so badly is a very tough question and problem. Perhaps knowing you mother is sick and needs help will prompt you to seek help. Not that you did anything wrong but to help you through this as it's not good for you. If your mom won't help herself there is nothing you can do about that but help yourself and seek someone to help you through all the pain you are feeling. Whether it be a professional or a religious person if you are religious. What I do know is that yes you have to move past this terrible childhood and become the strongest most loving adult you can be.
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (29820)
• Momence, Illinois
31 Jan 17
@missjessicadawn good luck with whatever you decide.
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
31 Jan 17
@fishtiger58 Thank you very much! :-)
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I definitely need to find a way to get past this. I'm starting with talking about it first and maybe trying some journaling. Up til now, I've kept it mostly inside. We'll see how things go. :-)
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
27 Jan 17
Forgiveness just doesn't happen like that. It will take time. But yes, to move on you might need to forgive her. Not for her. Just for you! You don;t even have to say those words to her or even face her. Just reach that point for yourself. But remember it's a gradual thing. You can't just force yourself to forgive her.
If you can't right now then it's okay. No need to feel bad. You were abused badly so obviously, it's not an easy thing to just "move on". Don't push it. Let it come to you!
2 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
That means a lot! Thank you! I've been wanting it to happen immediately, but I'm learning that it does take time to let things go. :-)
@teamfreak16 (43418)
• Denver, Colorado
27 Jan 17
It sounds like we lived the same sort of childhood. I haven't spoken to my family in close to ten years, and should have done it years before that. I don't even know if my mother is even still alive, nor do I really care.
2 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I know some people would probably tell you that you should feel ashamed about this, but I understand exactly where you're coming from. I've had many people tell me that I'm a horrible person for cutting my mother out of my life but they have no idea what the whole story is. Sometimes the only healthy thing you can do for yourself is let people go and don't contact them again. Even if it's family.
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I agree. Even if she started getting help, I'm not sure I could have a relationship with her since we never had one to begin with. She's just a stranger to me now.
@LeaPea2417 (37369)
• Toccoa, Georgia
27 Jan 17
I am sorry you went through this. I think that God can only help you be able to forgive a person.
2 people like this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I agree. I've been praying for guidance. :-)
1 person likes this
@Pass12 (998)
•
30 Jan 17
You had a bad experience and I'm sorry for that. People are generally close to their mother and I've also heard such cases like yours. I don't know about what others say but even j don't forgive people who aren't even feeling sorry for what they did. If a person comes up to me and says sorry then it's not an issue in forgiving.
1 person likes this
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
That's how I used to feel, but my mother will never apologize for what she did. If I want to move on I must find a way to let go of this anger I feel toward her.
@missjessicadawn (3286)
• United States
30 Jan 17
I agree with you. I'll do my best. :-)
1 person likes this
@stapllotik (1933)
• India
30 Jan 17
You just think, she brought to you in this world. Rest all can be managed. God bless!
1 person likes this
