Letting Out My Crazy (somewhat depressing, i wont be offended if you dont want to read it)

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Today I decided to start using myLot as a type of a journal for my chronic depression. Basically I am going to say things as though I am talking to myself, and to pretend that I don't have an audience. If people want to comment on the things that I write, that is totally fine. I am starting to scare myself lately, and I'm hoping that having an outlet to get all this stuff out of my head will help. I don't want to talk to people that I actually know about these things, because I feel that if they actually cared about me, and how I am feeling, that they would have asked me what is wrong, or given me a hug or something. It's funny, though; someone actually noticing would make me feel worlds better. I think that if someone actually cared enough to give me an honest-to-goodness heartfelt hug right now, I would probably cry with relief. As it is, I just cry with sadness thinking about it not happening. I feel really pathetic that I feel the need to spell out these feelings to anybody. I'm aware that it isn't normal to be like this. I see all these happy people with their happy lives, and I feel jealous. I can't seem to get my stuff together, and I don't know why. I feel sad about my children. Well, sad for myself about my children. My oldest son has aspergers syndrome, my middle child is very hyper and more than a little selfish, and I'm worried that my youngest is also autistic. She is almost 5, and she barely talks. When she does, you can't really understand what she says, and she is kind of in her own little world much of the time. I spend all of my time trying to guide these little people that I have made, and very rarely have any luck. I wonder to myself, am I such a failure at life, that I can't even produce normal children? Years ago when my oldest was little and I was just coming to terms with him having autism, my father accused me of having Munchhousen(I know I spelled it wrong. don't care right now) syndrome. I had to look it up at the time, and when I found out what it was I was furious. what kind of monster would make their own kid sick for personal gain?! Then I was furious that my dad would think that of me. He is a whole nother ball of wax that I will probably rant about later, because he says awful stuff like that to me all the time. there is so much more weighing me down, but just letting out this little bit right now has me feeling wrung out.